Ok, so here's the situation. My cousin is going through this and asked for my advice. I don't know what to tell her so I'm asking for help from you guys!
She is 30, he is 36. He got divorced 2 1/2 years ago after a 6-year marriage. There was no abuse, children, or cheating. She simply stopped loving him and left. So clearly he is the one who got hurt most. My cousin feels that this guy's ex-wife (they no longer speak and actually live in two different countries now) will always be his number 1 choice and my cousin will always be his consolation prize. Now the guy has NEVER made her feel this way but she can't help it. I told her she should go by what feelings she gets from him and ignore her insecurities. But if she can't deal with this, then I'd rather her get out of the relationship now then get hurt later.
Her major concern is that the guy was basically dumped by his wife and will always harbor feelings for her. He is very quiet and shy, and isn't the type to go pining after something he can't have - meaning, she isn't convinced that just because they don't speak, he's ready for a new #1.
I just broke up with someone who went through a divorce 4 years ago. Same scenario, she didn't love him anymore but never any abuse, cheating or even children. I have been with him 2 1/2 years and I never felt like I was his #1. Sometimes I would find out things that he would do with and for his ex that he would never do with or for me and it would kill me. I don't think they ever forget especially when the decision to separate was not there own. I believe that there is too much heartache involved with these relationships for the new woman. He would tell me how they had a great relationship and how they were best friends and then here I am the one that came afterwards bc she left. It is hard and one can't help but feel a little sensitive even if you are the most confident person on earth. Maybe this is just my particular experience and your cousins is nothing like mine but she should enter this relationship very cautiously and take under consideration that there might be wounds that have not healed and baggage along with him.
Thanks for the reply. The thing with her guy is that he never volunteers any information. He'll talk if she asks him specific questions, but he never talks about her on his own. I've met him and he seems really great. But I'm worried that if my cousin is having issues now (they've been together 6 months) what's going to happen down the road?
Thats the thing. My ex never talked about his past either. I had to force him to tell me things. It is not a good sign. It might be too painful for him to talk about it which basically means that he is not over it. I am not telling you your cousin should run but she should really consider what she is getting herself into. If she feels this way now I don't see things getting better especially when it is a subject so dear to him that he doesn't want to talk about it. She is only going to be filled with insecurities and doubts and take it from me it is exhausting.
Ya know, I think if they aren't communicating with the EX anymore then I think you need to accept that they were once married. You can't hold it against someone because they once married the wrong person. And that guy has been divorced for 2.5 years so that's a pretty long time and long enough for him to be pretty much over her. But....if they are still communicating with them then move along! I had to deal with my husband communicating with his Ex gf for a long time(a year) after I moved in with him. They weren't married but they lived together for 12 years so they may as well have been married. He thought that I was just going to sit back and watch them IM all day and her come over to my house every week so she could come and pick up her mail that she just had to keep coming to my house! GRRRRRR...you want to talk about heart ache! So no way would I ever go through that again! And had I known what I was in for I would never have began a relationship with him(them)! Luckily we worked through her and she's no longer in his life although she follows him around the forums that he's a member(moderator) of but there's no way to stop that. She just won't go away. But I can't blame him for her psychotic behavior only for his poor judgement in ever getting involved with her in the first place...HAHA!
So my final word is to just not worry about him having an EX as long as she's no longer a part of his life. And since they don't have any children there's just no reason that they continue seeing eachother anyway...I mean she dumped him so why would he want to keep seeing her anymore anyway?
A former love can be hard to get over, and it is not only exes, but also deceased partners that can remain with a person. If being number 1 and having a clean slate to work with is that important to your cousin, then perhaps she needs to find someone else. Most people can accept that someone's first love will always hold a place in their heart, but then so do their parents, friends, etc etc. This is actually to their credit, shows that they are caring, steadfast people. There is room for that, and it has nothing to do with being second choice. He is who he is now, and his past is and always will be part of him. Enjoy the present, time will fade his memories.
Your cousin is 30 and the chances of her meeting a man who hasn't had a serious past relationship are slim to none.
This guy has been divorced for 2 1/2 years. They don't speak anymore and don't even live in the same country anymore. I don't understand why she is so insecure. He has had more than enough time to get over her (if that was ever an issue). Besides, if he still had feelings for her he most likely wouldn't be in a relationship with your cousin and would be trying to find ways of winning his ex back, or at least trying to contact her.
I was married before my husband and he was with someone for a long time and engaged to marry her. We don't talk about our past relationships. Why would we? We are with eachother and building a life together. I don't see how knowing any details of their relationship is going to matter one bit in our relationship.
There are so many people who come on here and gripe about their boyfriend/girlfriend is talking to or talking about their ex and they don't want to deal with any of it. That is usually a sign that he/she isn't over the ex. IMO she has nothing to worry about.
If she is still feeling insecure then I suggest she find a man who hasn't had a serious relationship. Of course, this is going to open up a whole other set of issues.
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I agree with you guys when you say if he's not talking to his ex-wife anymore, than it's probably because he doesn't want to! My cousin isn't worried about the clean slate thing, because I doubt she would find a man who doesn't have a past. She herself has had two serious relationships! I think she's just intimidated by the word "divorce." I told her to talk to him about it a little instead of keeping it inside. We'll see.
I know plenty of divorced people who are happy second time around. I don't think one should be penalized for that. Millions things could of happened that are not their fault.
I agree that divorced people shouldn't be penalized for being divorced. But he was the one left behind (not the wife), so she's concerned about herself getting hurt in the future, and that the guy may not ever love anyone more than his wife.
I agree that divorced people shouldn't be penalized for being divorced. But he was the one left behind (not the wife), so she's concerned about herself getting hurt in the future, and that the guy may not ever love anyone more than his wife.
Some people all life in love with their first love or movie actress (platonically). It doesn't mean that he won't love your cousin in his own way. He may forgot his wife after a while.
If she left him, it doesn't mean it his fault or he will love her all his life.
Well I think this would be my final bit of wisdom(ha!) here:
If this is something that's going to be eating up your cousin and bothering her then she really should not try and persue this relationship. I think whether or not it makes sense to us doesn't matter because people always can get things in their heads that don't really make any sense to someone else. There's probably nothing in the world anyone can say to make her stop feeling like she's second to the EX and this is just going to eat her up.
