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Old 07-20-2007, 02:11 PM   #1
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Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

Just wondering, of those of you who have been on the side of "the betrayed spouse", how long did it take you to get to the point when you no longer felt sad or angry from the experience? In other words, how long did it take you to become fully "over them"?

I still have times when I find myself sad or (like today) angry.

 
Old 07-20-2007, 02:38 PM   #2
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

I no longer get "sad" about my ex-husband. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure when the last time was that I felt sad about it. I do still get angry now and again, and our marriage ended over 3 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am completely over him. I was over him before I filed the divorce papers. What makes me angry now is my trust issues. My current husband is wonderful and has never lied to me about anything (that I am aware of of course). But every once in a while he will stay out late when he goes out with the guys and I will find myself unable to sleep wondering if he is out sleeping with other girls like my ex did. I hate myself for it because that is not my husband and I know that. But old habits and feelings die hard I guess.

I don't think there are any time lines to "get over" someone, especially when there is a betrayal. The betrayal in and of itself does a number on your self esteem. Then there is the realization that the person you married is not at all the person you thought they were. That can be very tough to deal with. Everyone is different and healing times vary. Be patient with yourself. You have been through a lot and you have every right to feel every emotion you are feeling for as long as you need to.

 
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Old 07-20-2007, 03:10 PM   #3
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

I have a friend whose divorce was finalized over two years ago after her husband had an affair and she is still not over it yet. I mean the anger part. Although I give her credit that she is trying. It's just that the way he went about all of it was just so horrible that it's going to take a really long time for her to forgive him again. They are finally on civil terms for their son's sake at this point in time, but who knows how long that will last? Their son has suffered the most through all of this. He is now 12, but the worst of this happened when he was still not quite understanding what was going on. So I think he's probably going to have some lasting psychological effects from the experience.

 
Old 07-23-2007, 06:44 AM   #4
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

I'm glad we didn't have any children to put through this. That is the saddest part of divorces.

In hind sight, . . . I was a fool. I should have realized things weren't at all "kosher" with my ex. We decided that we didn't want kids, so about 1 1/2 years into the marriage I got a vascectomy. She went off the pill (although she still never wanted sex). About a month before she "went out with the girls" (which ended up being with the other man, and coming home after 1:00 am), she told me that her period wasn't coming on, so she was going to start taking birth control again to "regulate her period". I bet she REALLY wanted to take it because she was going to be having sex with this jerk.

I should have recognized those signs/red flags, but didn't. So, IF I ever get involved with someone else, it will be a lasting problem with me as well. Trusting whether or not she is telling me the truth. I really HATE what she caused me to be. She has destroyed my "light". I hope I can get it fixed again.

Anyway, anyone else have a story to post for this link?

Last edited by EDC_Light; 07-23-2007 at 06:46 AM.

 
Old 07-23-2007, 08:39 AM   #5
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

Well my dad is 77 and my mom is 72. They divorced when they were 37 & 32 respectively.
My dad STILL isn't over my mother. He never remarried, never went out on another date and is VERY bitter to this day.
If you ask me it's a big waste of time. How awful to one day look in the mirror and your 77 yrs old and have wasted all those years feeling sad and bitter.

 
Old 07-23-2007, 08:54 AM   #6
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

Quote:
Originally Posted by susieq0726 View Post
Well my dad is 77 and my mom is 72. They divorced when they were 37 & 32 respectively.
My dad STILL isn't over my mother. He never remarried, never went out on another date and is VERY bitter to this day.
If you ask me it's a big waste of time. How awful to one day look in the mirror and your 77 yrs old and have wasted all those years feeling sad and bitter.
Wow, susie. . . . . . that really is profound, . . . . and it makes me feel a bit sad for your father. I don't want to be like that. It really doesn't sound like a good life to me. Is there any way to reach him in order to expose and deal with this long lasting sadness and bitterness?


BTW, susie, thank you so much for posting what you did. That is something for many people to see, who have been betrayed by a spouse.

Last edited by EDC_Light; 07-23-2007 at 08:57 AM.

 
Old 07-23-2007, 10:38 AM   #7
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
Wow, susie. . . . . . that really is profound, . . . . and it makes me feel a bit sad for your father. I don't want to be like that. It really doesn't sound like a good life to me. Is there any way to reach him in order to expose and deal with this long lasting sadness and bitterness?


BTW, susie, thank you so much for posting what you did. That is something for many people to see, who have been betrayed by a spouse.
Yes - PLEASE don't end up like my father! I love him very much and it's very sad that he never found love again, but HE chose to not let love in after they divorced. Now he is older and set in his ways, and will never let another woman into his life. Even my mom feels for him. My mother never cheated on him or betrayed him, they just didn't seem to match. They even divorced and re-married again only to find out 14 yrs later they couldn't stay married. God, I can only imagine what it would have been like for my dad if my mother DID cheat on him!

 
Old 07-23-2007, 11:19 AM   #8
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

Or if he had let love back into his life via another woman. Sadly, we may never know. It is one thing to enjoy your life as a single person (even after divorce), but bitterness will truly tarnish a soul. It gives me a desire to be resolute that I will live a good life, drop the inner struggles of this divorce, and look for ways to improve myself, and that may go along way in me "getting over it".

I still have anger about how she could do that to me, . . . . but if I sit down and logically look at everything that happened, . . . . would I want to be with a person who was that selfish, mean, and hateful?. . . . I would have to answer, . . . .emphatically NO! These are not the traits of a good woman (or anyone for that matter).

 
Old 07-30-2007, 06:56 AM   #9
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

A weird thing happened to me on Saturday. I was out about town getting suplies for my summer session (ending this Wednesday. . .and I'll be done with college with a BS!!!), . . . . I decided to go to Sears to look for something and while I was driving down the street to turn into the mall, . . . . I saw my ex wife leaving the mall in her car. . . . . . . I don't think she saw me, but oddly, . . . I didn't become upset. It was like, "Is that . . . it is." Then I went on to the mall, then to work on my project later. . . . it didn't really affect me much.

Does that mean I'm "over her". . . . . or about to be?

 
Old 07-30-2007, 07:02 AM   #10
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
A weird thing happened to me on Saturday. I was out about town getting suplies for my summer session (ending this Wednesday. . .and I'll be done with college with a BS!!!), . . . . I decided to go to Sears to look for something and while I was driving down the street to turn into the mall, . . . . I saw my ex wife leaving the mall in her car. . . . . . . I don't think she saw me, but oddly, . . . I didn't become upset. It was like, "Is that . . . it is." Then I went on to the mall, then to work on my project later. . . . it didn't really affect me much.

Does that mean I'm "over her". . . . . or about to be?
It's definately a positive sign. You are well on your way to being over her, IMO.

 
Old 07-30-2007, 05:18 PM   #11
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

Quote:
Originally Posted by susieq0726 View Post
Yes - PLEASE don't end up like my father! I love him very much and it's very sad that he never found love again, but HE chose to not let love in after they divorced. Now he is older and set in his ways, and will never let another woman into his life. Even my mom feels for him. My mother never cheated on him or betrayed him, they just didn't seem to match. They even divorced and re-married again only to find out 14 yrs later they couldn't stay married. God, I can only imagine what it would have been like for my dad if my mother DID cheat on him!
This is EXACTLY the situation I am in and scared of happening to me
I love him, but we argue way to much and I just don't like going out enough to find a man Mad at me! I did the breaking up and wonder if I did the right thing. We get along great now although he is sleeping with other woman after 2 months of our break up (3 months ago, we split). Yeah he has his cake and ice cream right now but he still doesn't have me every day and he doesn't like that. I am still wondering what to do and little time to decide

 
Old 07-31-2007, 08:06 AM   #12
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Re: Betrayal, divorce, ... how long before you were "over it".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iwant2quit View Post
This is EXACTLY the situation I am in and scared of happening to me
I love him, but we argue way to much and I just don't like going out enough to find a man Mad at me! I did the breaking up and wonder if I did the right thing. We get along great now although he is sleeping with other woman after 2 months of our break up (3 months ago, we split). Yeah he has his cake and ice cream right now but he still doesn't have me every day and he doesn't like that. I am still wondering what to do and little time to decide

Maybe you need to copy susieq's response and start your own thread about your situation as it may get lost in my thread.

I will say that a person will do what they are going to do and all you can be is who you are and if they choose another, then you should too. Don't waste your time on hopeful wishing. If you're meant for each other, both of you will know it and strive for it.

 
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