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Old 08-17-2007, 07:06 AM   #1
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He won't give me a divorce

Hi I'm a newbie and have been reading your board for quite some time now. I'm always amazed at the insight here and I find it different than a lot of other relationship boards.

I've been married for almost 10 years. I married coming out of a broken relationship. I did it in a matter of months because I thought no one would ever love me again and I thought here was this chance with this person who also had ended a relationship. We both thought that we were in love. We didn't know each other well but we do now!!! Of the 10 years I have been very unhappy for at least 8 years.

I am finally at a stage in my life where I feel I can move on. Part of the problem is we haven't been able to have children. We have tested and the infertility seems to be on his side. I didn't stop loving him because of that but because he's been very hard to get along with. We disagree on everything and he has a real mean streak. If I want to have children I think I need to start looking for a healthy realtionship.

The probelm is that my husband has nobody in his life. His mean streak has sort of isolated him. I say he is "mean" but that isn't his whole persona otherwise I wouldn't have lasted this long. But my husband had a chance to return to his old life right at the decision making process of us getting married. At that time he asked that I promise I would be with him forever and that I knew I was doing the right thing. The thing is, neither of us were at a healthy place in our mind when we decided to "just do it"!!!

Last month I finally got enough nerve to tell him that I wanted a divorce. He knows I've been unhappy for some time and that I have really come to resent his behavoir. He has made some small attempts at making things better but it feels like too little, too late. I want out. He is now telling me that he will not divorce me because I promised him that I would behis wife till death do us part. He says that I took him out of his old life and now if I leave he will have nothing. After the conversation and after he calmed down I was worried that I can't get out of this. I do not have much of a support group myself but I am not afraid of being alone. I like to think that there is someone out there for me. He is a lot older than me and he thinks his life is over if I am not his wife. No matter how miserable I am, he wants me to be his life. I can't do it anymore.

It is true if I leave him he will have nothing in terms of his life. I am the major breadwinner and I am the one who sort of keeps everything togehter. He isnt very competent with these kinds of things. He has lost his old home when we got married. We both had a home but we decided he would give his up (to his ex) and that we would live in my home.

The morning after I said I wanted a divorce he acted as if nothing had happneed the night before. He acted all sweet and doting and he said before he left for work that he wouldnt divorce me because he loves me too much. I don't know what to do and like I said I don't have a support system of any sort (I was adopted by elderly parents and they are both gone and i was the only child). I sure would like to hear some sage advice here.

How could someone expect their wife to go through life miserable and not notice it? Why do I feel so guilty about leaving him? He keeps telling me it is all my fault and he has nothing.

 
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Old 08-17-2007, 07:21 AM   #2
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Re: He won't give me a divorce

I don't know what the laws are there, but surely if your marriage breaks down and you separate, then one partner can apply for a divorce on these grounds. Get some legal advice on this. You are not responsible for your husband having nobody in his life. Please do not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into staying for this reason. He has the power to remedy that situation, it is not your problem. It seems that the marriage is over and you need to look after yourself. Life is too short, and you cannot brush your desire to have children under the rug forever. It sounds like this marriage was not really meant to be. Sera

 
Old 08-17-2007, 07:33 AM   #3
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Re: He won't give me a divorce

You feel guilty because he is wanting to feel guilty, he is a grown man capable of making adult choices and trust me he will find a way to move on and make it on his own!! And my feelings are if you have gone to him and explained why you want a divorce and if he loved you ever at all he would want you first and foremost to be happy and obviously he does not make you that way. But alot of people would rather make the other party feel bad instead of take their part of the blame as to how the situation became how it is today!

He can tell you that he will not let you divorce him but all you have to do is talk to an attorney and he doesnt have a choice. And yes as much as "til death do us part" obviously means to him, that doesnt mean he can just treat the relationship how he wants to and its not like he owns you there wasa way in and there is a way out!

 
Old 08-17-2007, 07:34 AM   #4
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Re: He won't give me a divorce

I think the question you need to ask yourself is, is the guilt you will be avoiding by staying, worth living the rest of your life the way you've lived the last 10 years? how much more of your life are you willing to give up to this man? once you've answered that question and you decide to leave anyway, contact a good dissolution attorney. Your husband may be able to contest the divorce, but I'm sure your grounds are sound. Since you are the main breadwinner and you are the one leaving, make sure you get a really experienced, good attorney who will not allow your husband to take you to the cleaners with alimony and such. he sounds like they type who will fight you tooth and nail and do whatever he can to "punish" you for leaving him, but stand strong. This is America and no one can force you to stay married to someone you really don't want to be married to. You just have to decide how badly you want a new life.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 09:55 AM   #5
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Re: He won't give me a divorce

He can't force you to stay married to him but inorder to do this you may have to move out to make things happen. I don't know if you can force him to leave? You've been married 10years it's no longer your house it's both of yours.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 10:24 AM   #6
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Re: He won't give me a divorce

My ex-husband faught me on getting divorced. When I presented him with the first set of papers he tore them up and threw a temper tantrum like a spoiled child. The fact that he doesn't want it will make more work for you, however, you can still get the divorce based on the fact that your marriage is completely broken down beyond repair at this point. The best thing you can do is find a good divorce attorney who can advise you on how to exactly go about everything. Since you are the main breadwinner there is always a chance he will try to get alamony out of you, but that's a small price to pay to have your life back. Good luck!

 
Old 08-17-2007, 01:37 PM   #7
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Re: He won't give me a divorce

You DON'T need your husband permission or approval for a divorce......what you do need is a lawyer. He's manipulating you by trying to make you feel sorry for him......oh well, he doesn't have any friends, why is that? not your problem.....he can make new friends, like I had to do after the divorce.....like a lot of people have to do after a divorce.....did you know when you divorce you also lose some friends because they eventually pick sides even after saying they're neutral? They just can't stay friends with both parties.....
It's just to painful. Everyone has to start over after a divorce......it's not anything unique.....he will just have to get used to it like 50% of the population. Get strong and don't fall for his sob story.......

 
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