Hi I'm a newbie and have been reading your board for quite some time now. I'm always amazed at the insight here and I find it different than a lot of other relationship boards.
I've been married for almost 10 years. I married coming out of a broken relationship. I did it in a matter of months because I thought no one would ever love me again and I thought here was this chance with this person who also had ended a relationship. We both thought that we were in love. We didn't know each other well but we do now!!! Of the 10 years I have been very unhappy for at least 8 years.
I am finally at a stage in my life where I feel I can move on. Part of the problem is we haven't been able to have children. We have tested and the infertility seems to be on his side. I didn't stop loving him because of that but because he's been very hard to get along with. We disagree on everything and he has a real mean streak. If I want to have children I think I need to start looking for a healthy realtionship.
The probelm is that my husband has nobody in his life. His mean streak has sort of isolated him. I say he is "mean" but that isn't his whole persona otherwise I wouldn't have lasted this long. But my husband had a chance to return to his old life right at the decision making process of us getting married. At that time he asked that I promise I would be with him forever and that I knew I was doing the right thing. The thing is, neither of us were at a healthy place in our mind when we decided to "just do it"!!!
Last month I finally got enough nerve to tell him that I wanted a divorce. He knows I've been unhappy for some time and that I have really come to resent his behavoir. He has made some small attempts at making things better but it feels like too little, too late. I want out. He is now telling me that he will not divorce me because I promised him that I would behis wife till death do us part. He says that I took him out of his old life and now if I leave he will have nothing. After the conversation and after he calmed down I was worried that I can't get out of this. I do not have much of a support group myself but I am not afraid of being alone. I like to think that there is someone out there for me. He is a lot older than me and he thinks his life is over if I am not his wife. No matter how miserable I am, he wants me to be his life. I can't do it anymore.
It is true if I leave him he will have nothing in terms of his life. I am the major breadwinner and I am the one who sort of keeps everything togehter. He isnt very competent with these kinds of things. He has lost his old home when we got married. We both had a home but we decided he would give his up (to his ex) and that we would live in my home.
The morning after I said I wanted a divorce he acted as if nothing had happneed the night before. He acted all sweet and doting and he said before he left for work that he wouldnt divorce me because he loves me too much. I don't know what to do and like I said I don't have a support system of any sort (I was adopted by elderly parents and they are both gone and i was the only child). I sure would like to hear some sage advice here.
How could someone expect their wife to go through life miserable and not notice it? Why do I feel so guilty about leaving him? He keeps telling me it is all my fault and he has nothing.