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Old 10-04-2007, 07:00 AM   #1
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Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

It's going on a year since my wife told me that she was no longer interested in me and would rather have her freedom to go out with whomever she wants, guys that she liked, included, . . . and when we separated. The divorce was official the 9th of May, but the whole thing started in mid October 2006. I loved her and all this caught me totally by surprise because we always had a lot of fun together, even up to the evening before it all came crashing down. To this day, I still have no idea why it all happened.

Now that all that has been qualified, as the year "anniversary" approaches, I can see that I'm still not "ultimately happy". I know that probably few are, but at the end of the day, I really don't have a lot of joy in my spirit as I lay my head on my pillow. I'm not depressed, and still go through my day well enough, enjoy my hobbies, my family (especially my little neice, who is an absolute doll), and am still active in my church. My spiritual life has taken a hit as well, though I'm also working on those issues.

I don't want to take medications because I would rather work through "the darkness" and learn the lessons that it can teach, so I was wondering if my feelings of this "non-ultimate happiness" is still normal at this time, and if so, when would it "become a problem"?

FWIW: Absolutely no feelings of suicide. I am looking for ways to improve my life.

 
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Old 10-04-2007, 07:03 AM   #2
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

well it takes a while for the shock of divorce to wear off. Have you tried exercizing? It releases endorphins in the brain that are suppossed to help with good feelings/happiness.....

 
Old 10-04-2007, 07:32 AM   #3
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

Yes. I'm trying to build up my relatively small male upper body.

Basically, I'm trying to limit the size of my tiny pooch (belly) while increasing the size of my chest and arms. Progress is slllloooooowwwww.

Since the weather is getting nicer, I will start taking my bike out to the trails to ride.

Thanks, rosequartz, for your continued advice. You've been one of the "long haulers" for me, and I appreciate it.

One other thing I'm working on is achieving happiness in the face of possible "singleness for the rest of my life". A very possible (and probably more probable) situation for my future. My counselor tried to uplift me, last time I stopped in for a quick visit, by saying that he bet there were "millions of girls out there that would love to be with me". I understand that he was just trying to lift my spirits that particular day, but I have to come to a place of peace and joy even when it is in singleness, . . . .even though I would love to find that "person meant for me" (whatever that even means), being in peace with my life when it never comes to be. It will be tough, but that's what I'm working on right now.

Last edited by EDC_Light; 10-04-2007 at 07:33 AM.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 07:43 AM   #4
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

you're welcome......
glad to hear you're exercizing....I have to start.....LOL
don't fret about maybe being single forever.....who knows what tomorrow will bring? when we got married we thought that was forever, right? you just don't know what's around the corner. And being single isn't the end of the world. You have total freedom to come and go as you please, do what you want, when you want......etc.
have you tried to meet anyone? it doesn't sound like you have, and that's ok too, but if you want to meet someone maybe look into on-line personals, etc.....although I can't say that that's so great either......but it's something.....

 
Old 10-04-2007, 08:21 AM   #5
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

Oh oh, rosequartz, . . . .don't get me started on those online dating sites!! One, all I got was scammers, the others have been non-productive. In fact, one of the main ones was unable to match me with anyone. In others, I don't "measure up". You probably know the sites (and will have to go unmentioned on here), but they send you emails of your "possible matches". It is inevitable that when I click on them, I'm either too old, too short, or don't make enough money, . . . or a combination. I've "winked" at a few girls, where I matched their age, height, etc, but never received anything back from them. I'm just glad that I didn't actually spend any money on them yet.

As for having freedom to do what I want, when I want, . . . that is a plus. I choose where I go, when I go there, how I get there, why I am even going (or choosing not to go), etc. So there IS a plus to the single life.

But, you're right, . . . . no one has any idea what tomorrow is going to hold. That day in mid October 2006, I had NO IDEA it would turn out as it did. So, even though I SEE no future of a "true love relationship", I suppose I could be surprised yet.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 08:39 AM   #6
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

yes I know about the frustration of on-line dating.....that's where I've met most of my head cases for the last 10 years......yes it has been un-productive at times, to say the least. I just thought it might be an easier step if you were uncomfortable going out and trying to meet people in person. It has been good and bad for me, an experience to say the least. I don't know if I will try it again, it didn't always pan out before. Can you take a class in something you're interested in? Right now for the first time in my life, I am happy being alone. When I was younger I always had to be in a relationship.....if I wasn't in one, I was activly seeking out the next one. I got tired of being on the treadmill and stepped off, and it's actually quite peaceful.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 08:52 AM   #7
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

Hmmmm, . . . . jumping off the treadmill. :-/ May not be a bad idea. You'll be happier if you're happy in singleness, and should a GOOD thing come along, . . . . I mean REALLY GOOD, then you'll already be happy and can contribute to the relationship rather than looking to another person for your inner joy. . . . . . . . Wow, am I preaching to myself?!

What really matters is who we are inside, and unfortunately, people place much more value on the outer shell. But my spirit is as good as anyone elses. Better than some, for sure.

I suppose my "mental health" is fine. I was just concerned because I'm not the same person I used to be. Maybe that's a good thing.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 08:59 AM   #8
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
I suppose my "mental health" is fine. I was just concerned because I'm not the same person I used to be. Maybe that's a good thing.

Oh I'm not either, believe me....I used to be someone who was so desperate to be in a relationship, I'd take whatever they'd dish out.....I used to be so co-dependent it's pathetic......now that I'm by myself, I'm not co-dependent anymore, I'm more independent, I'm stronger, I'm more at peace. I'm not going to take abuse just to have someone.....We can never be the same person we used to be after we've been thru such a life altering transition, such as divorce......
we've grown......we've evolved.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 12:21 PM   #9
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

Well said, rosequartz. And I follow you on what you said about not taking abuse just to have someone around. I'd rather wait for "true love", . . . . . though I am now under the suspiscion that "true love" doesn't actually exist. . . . . . . though I was prepared to remain with my wife even though she cheated, if she came back. . . . . . . . is that "true love", . . . or a form of delusion? Hmmmm. Not sure, but whatever.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 12:43 PM   #10
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

well I don't know about "true love", but I know that unconditional love doesn't exist in romantic relationships. The only unconditional love that exists is be from a parent to a child, or from a pet.
All other love has conditions.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 01:25 PM   #11
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

Well, . . . I honestly was willing to love my ex wife if she came back to correct thinking. Is that "unconditional"? . . . . . . . . .Uh, . . well, I can't say that I love her all that much now, so. . . . . I guess you're right.

I agree that animals and family can be an excellent source of unconditional love. My little two year old niece is a good example.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 01:44 PM   #12
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
Well, . . . I honestly was willing to love my ex wife if she came back to correct thinking. Is that "unconditional"? . . . . . . . . .Uh, . . well, I can't say that I love her all that much now, so. . . . . I guess you're right.

I agree that animals and family can be an excellent source of unconditional love. My little two year old niece is a good example.

it may have been unconditional, but was it love?
it may have been fear of being alone.......


on second thought, it wasn't even unconditional......the condition you put on it was "if she came back to correct thinking"

 
Old 10-04-2007, 02:28 PM   #13
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

I think 'love' is the desire for something/someone to be around. It was less about me being alone, more about me being with her because I enjoyed her company.

And yes, it would seem that 'love' between non-family is probably mostly conditional. But I know that there are some couples who live with each other for decades and still do love each other. That is what I would want, should it happen.

Thanks and have a good evening!

 
Old 10-04-2007, 02:30 PM   #14
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light;32***03
I think 'love' is the desire for something/someone to be around. It was less about me being alone, more about me being with her because I enjoyed her company.
the desire for something/someone to be around could be the desire for companionship and not necessisarily love.

 
Old 10-05-2007, 06:31 AM   #15
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Re: Since the divorce, I'm not "ultimately happy".

I think that is what I've come to realize. It really IS a 'desire for companionship', . . . and that comes to equate to "love". I know that many people are initially drawn to each other because of physical appearance, but when the inevitable happens, bellies/buts get bigger, hair falls out, maybe teeth, . . . do they stay together because of "love", or because of the companionship? How many people really only toloerate their spouse, but would be lost without them?

I find it interesting that very few movies or TV shows actually SHOW a "happy ever after" ending. They show the two young people falling madly into each other's arms in a 'warm embrace', . . . . then run the credits.

The only show (that I know of, personally), where two people still actually liked each other when they were old, was the last episode of the series, Charmed. I bet it is a very rare bird and though there are many people who remain married for many years, I wonder how many of them find "the loss of companionship/singleness" as the "lesser of two evils" when they really don't care for their spouse like they used to?

All that to say, "true love", except for a very few people, probably doesn't happen.

 
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