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Old 10-31-2007, 09:36 AM   #1
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Divorced and need advice

This is my first post. I want to thank all who will reply in advance. I am recently divorced and I dont know what or where to go from here. I love my ex. He tells me he loves me. There were mistakes on my end that in evitably led to our divorce. My ex told me that the marriage we had was beyond repair, and that we needed to end it so that we could start a new one together. He blames me for everything, even the choices he made when he found out about my indiscretions. When he has a day that he is relly feeling the hurt I caused him, he lashes out at me and constantly throws in my face all that I have ever done wrong. He calls me horrible names as well. But then there are the good days. He comes over to my house and spends the night. In the last 3 weeks he has been there every single night. Up until the last couple of days. In the last 3 weeks, he has asked me to marry him again twice, he told me he is 99.9 % sure we will get married again, he called me his girlfriend, he told me he feels in his heart we will always be married, and daily tells me he loves me. Oh, and he even told me that he knows there is no way he will ever find anyone that will compare to me in anyway, and even if he tried to, he would just be settling. Now, I know what I did years ago in our marriage was horrible. I take full responsibility for my actions. I love him so much. I wish I had a time machine that I could go back and talk to myself to keep me from going down that path. I go to counselling every week, and I have finally figured out what was going on inside of me during that time in my life. I am and have dealt with things that i did not even realize were there. I have told him how sorry I am for what I did. And at times he seems to accept it. Every one around him, his family included, thinks I am this horrible person, and that he needs to stay away from me. But these are people that refuse to talk to me, to see what is inside me. To see that I am NOT the person that I was so many years ago. When he starts listening to these people he changes, and tells me he cant get over what I did, that he is stupid to even try. But within days he is missing me, and back to the someday we will be married again. When he found out about what I had done, he knew he could never let me best him, so he set out to outdo what I did. He lost track of the number of women he has been with, most of the time while he was still telling me he wanted to make it work. All of them were prior to our divorce being final. Why is it so much easier for me to forgive him for all of that, but he cant me when it was years ago? I dont know what to do. I love him SOOO much, and I want the chance to be the wife to him I know I can be now that I have dealt with all the demons in my closet. For the last couple of days he is back to not wanting anything to do with me. He constantly goes back and forth on this. I went 2 weeks without talking to him once, and he tried everyway possible to get me to talk to him. He missed me. I dont know what to do anymore. do I wait for him to come back to wanting me in his life? I just dont know. I believe what he says to me when he is with me, but i dont believe him when he gets like this, because he always comes back. Sorry this is so jumbled and long. Any replies will be appreciated. Thank you

 
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Old 10-31-2007, 10:38 AM   #2
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Re: Divorced and need advice

This is like a pull-and-push relationship. And all those people who don't recognize the new you. And there is still so much anger in him. You say you are "recently divorced". My feeling is that it is still too early for you to marry him again or anyone else for that matter. Maybe you shouldn't even be dating/seeing him again. If his love is for real, it will survive even if you stay apart for some time. I am sure you need more time for yourself alone. I think that marrying him again under these circumstances will be like a shot in the dark, or to be more precise, a shot backwards.

 
Old 10-31-2007, 10:54 AM   #3
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Re: Divorced and need advice

I have told him that I would not marry him again until he is ready. Until he has been able to fully forgive me for everthing I did. Now that he is back to not wanting anything to do with me, he doesnt remember saying any of the things I wrote about. None of them. Doesnt remember asking me to marry him again, or even that he thought we ought to go back to marriage counselling. And if I remind him any of what he has said, He either felt pressured by me to say it, or he never said it. He forgets how he feels and what he says during the good times, when he gets into the bad. If that makes sense. But the bad ony happens when he starts listening to other people remind him of all I had done. And tell him he is an idiot to even be talking to me. After a while, he starts believing them.

 
Old 10-31-2007, 01:40 PM   #4
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Re: Divorced and need advice

He should have reached the point of accepting the relationship was over before deciding to get divorced. Now he is still not over the relationship and the pain.

Sounds like both of you need a fresh start with someone new.

 
Old 10-31-2007, 01:55 PM   #5
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Re: Divorced and need advice

Move on with your life. If you go back be prepared to spend the rest of your life explaining yourself and rightfully so.... that's the price you pay for cheating on someone. It takes years and years to trust again and apparently he has involved his family ... they will NEVER forgive you for hurting one of their own. Loving him is not enough. You messed up big time and with this man you will pay the price each and every day you wake up. You need to remove yourself from his life completely for at least a year or so to even begin to build that bridge back. But always remember his family will never let him forget what you did and he isn't stable or mature enough to work through it and leave his family out of it.

 
Old 10-31-2007, 02:39 PM   #6
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Re: Divorced and need advice

Removing myself from his life completely is not an option. We have children together with joint custody. I know the price I have to pay for what I did is great, I know his family will never forgive me. I just want him to be at a place where he can. Just like I have for all of the things he did before our divorce. One of which was prior to him finding out what I had done. We were married over 13 years. We practically grew up together. I think I would be a lot farther along on moving forward and moving on if he didnt keep pulling me back in by telling me someday we will get married again. The roller coaster he keeps me on is hard, but I love him so much I am willing to put up with it for the chance of a new life together with him.

 
Old 10-31-2007, 03:55 PM   #7
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Re: Divorced and need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by used2bjam View Post
Removing myself from his life completely is not an option. We have children together with joint custody. I know the price I have to pay for what I did is great, I know his family will never forgive me. I just want him to be at a place where he can. Just like I have for all of the things he did before our divorce. One of which was prior to him finding out what I had done. We were married over 13 years. We practically grew up together. I think I would be a lot farther along on moving forward and moving on if he didnt keep pulling me back in by telling me someday we will get married again. The roller coaster he keeps me on is hard, but I love him so much I am willing to put up with it for the chance of a new life together with him.
More often than not mistakes are made on both sides, you know.

Used2, I am little confused now. I don't know which is more important for you: to be forgiven by him for what you did OR to marry him because you still love him. Or maybe both? Yet I think the latter option can only come true if the former is given. But wouldn't being forgiven be enough for you?

 
Old 11-01-2007, 05:44 AM   #8
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Re: Divorced and need advice

O.K., I am having a De Ja Vue moment! What you have described, is pretty much what I went through minus having kids together. Read my thread "Would you tell your husband?" My saga story happened years ago and I too loved my husband when I did my selfish act. After the fact we were on a on a again off again relationship. I needed forgiveness and I think he needed recognition that I still loved him. However, I could not handle the not trusting thing. He totally had every right to feel the distrust, but I was so devistated for what I had done, I forgave myself and knew that I was strong enough to never let that happen again. Since he could not get past that, I divorced him and moved on. Not only for me, but for him as well. No matter how much I loved him, he deserved to live without fear and I felt the need to become a better person. I am now happily married to a wonderful man .

Sometimes you just need to move on.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 06:24 AM   #9
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Re: Divorced and need advice

Here's the thing use2bjam, once the trust is broken it is VERY hard to ever get back. Sure, he may one day forgive you, but forgetting is the hard part, you know what I mean? Love isn't always enough to get you through infidelity.

If you two truly want to be able to have a future together I think you should really go to counselling together. I think it's wonderful that you went for yourself, but now you have to go together so you can move past this unpleasant chapter in your life. If he is unwilling to do so then I don't see this ever getting better.

You are never going to be able to win over his family. The only thing you can hope for there is for them to accept that he has gotten past what happened and butt out.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 10:20 AM   #10
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Re: Divorced and need advice

Being forgiven should be enough, but I dont know how to live without him in my life. If he had always told me it was too much, and we were through, it would be different. But he ALWAYS comes back to wanting me in his life. And he tells me all that I want to hear.

It has been 2 days since I have talked to him. In those 2 days he was to pick the kids up right after work, before I get home. The first day he went home first and took a nap. Our son almost missed football practice. Yesterday, he let someone borrow his car and couldnt come until they were back. So my mom took the kids to him. And his car was there when she got there. He has not tried to talk to me at all. Even about the kids. It is killing me. I miss him so much. No one will ever know the amount of guilt and remorse I feel for what I did. I even feel the guilt for what he did as a result of finding out about me.

Everyone tells me to move on. That I will be happier without him, and might find someone else. But my heart belongs to him. The closeness that we have found on every level since all this came out is more than we ever had during our marriage. And he tells me he feels it too. He says the way I am now is what he wishes I was always like in our marriage. To me, I want to make him happy. It makes me happy when I do. I rub his back and feet daily. We would lay in bed for hours just talking. These are things we lacked during our marriage. I have learned so much in how I want to be, I just wish people would see the difference in me. Then maybe, just maybe, he would not only hear negative about me, and he would be able to let himself feel what is in his heart, instead of what others tell him.

It is a pattern that he gets in. He starts feeling happy and comfortable with me again, and I think it scares him. He starts to tell himself he is stupid, because I should my true character is capable of doing those things, so I will do it again. He says the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I know without a doubt that I am not the person that I was so many years ago. And I haven't been for so long. I want the life together we have both seen is possible. What we have now, in the middle of this hurt and pain.

The mistakes I made were made because of where I was on the inside. His mistakes were made out of spite with the sole intention of hurting me and outdoing me. He would even make a point to tell me about them, tried to in detail, because he wanted to hurt me. Most of the time I feel like I deserve that because of what I did. But, he made the choices on how to deal with everything. I can forgive him. And trust him again. What do I say or do to help him get to that point?

 
Old 11-01-2007, 10:46 AM   #11
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Re: Divorced and need advice

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What do I say or do to help him get to that point?
I don't know what you can say or do to help him along. I honestly think the best thing that you can do is when he comes to you again (which is all part of the pattern) is encourage him to seek counselling with you to see if you two can work past this. The past is the past and neither of you can change it. But if you both are still in love and want to make your marriage whole again (and remarry someday) I think counselling is a necessary step.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 11:03 AM   #12
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Re: Divorced and need advice

I agree completely on the counselling. During his back again times, he talks about us going. But during his away times, he says he never said he would go. I think he honestly forgets how he felt and what he said during the on times when he gets into the off times.

I know there are two sides to every story. I am sure alot of you would tell him to run away from me as fast as he can if he were to write in and ask for advice. He would only write in about the bad, and he wouldn't mention a thing about what I have. It is as though he looks for all the negative because he wants to think everyone agrees with him when he gets like this. He even tells me often that there is no one out there that would give me the time of day if I did to them what I did to him. But, he only says that during the off times.

I want to thank all of you for replying to me. It truly helps being able to write all this out and get others points of view on it.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 11:23 AM   #13
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Re: Divorced and need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by used2bjam View Post
I agree completely on the counselling. During his back again times, he talks about us going. But during his away times, he says he never said he would go. I think he honestly forgets how he felt and what he said during the on times when he gets into the off times.

I know there are two sides to every story. I am sure alot of you would tell him to run away from me as fast as he can if he were to write in and ask for advice. He would only write in about the bad, and he wouldn't mention a thing about what I have. It is as though he looks for all the negative because he wants to think everyone agrees with him when he gets like this. He even tells me often that there is no one out there that would give me the time of day if I did to them what I did to him. But, he only says that during the off times.

I want to thank all of you for replying to me. It truly helps being able to write all this out and get others points of view on it.
Well, I don't know you, but you come across as a very stable and consistent person. Maybe you are even a little too hard on yourself for your "alleged" past mistakes. I am highlighting "alleged", because I am already wondering if they were absolutely great and unforgivable mistakes at all. Anyway, if I have this sort of provisory opinion about you, God, I'm afraid I can't think the same about your ex-husband. He seems unstable, insecure, confused. I am not sayng he is a bad person, but the impression I get is that you are much ahead of him in terms of psychological balance, except for the blame that you still lay on yourself. Don't be angry with me for this question: but are you sure that this man has grown to the same stature as yourself in terms of maturity? Do you think he would follow the way by your side? Or would he always have to be catching up with you and then again lag behind?

 
Old 11-01-2007, 11:58 AM   #14
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Re: Divorced and need advice

As you highlighted "alledged" I feel as though I need to tell you what my mistakes were. Over a year and a half period of time, I found myself in a place inside that I did not care about anything in the world. Not my husband. Not my kids. Not God. Through my counselling now, I have looked back and found the why that that had happened. I lost a child and I felt as the mother, I should have been able to protect him, and keep it from happening. I blamed ,yself for it. I blamed God for it. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he could not talk about it because it hurt to bad. So I thought he blamed me too. I felt that If I as a mother allowed that to happen, then I am not worthy to be a mother. I held it up great on the outsides, but on the inside I felt as though I had died. I started to go out all the time, drank alot. dorve home if I wasnt too bad. But there were times I didnt make it home. I didnt even call. My husband during that time was a wonderful father and took such good care of our children. I couldnt stand myself, and I thought all he told me about how he felt about me, was said because he had to say it. He was stuck with me. During that first 6 months I had multiple affairs. Always a single time. But with many people. Some were married. Some he knew and thought of as friends. After about 8 months he was tired of me going out all the time and he talked to a lawyer about divorce. He never filed. Just talked. I begged him to give me another chance. He did. He asked me if I had been unfaithful. I lied and said no. I stopped hanging out with the people I had. And was almost always home. But nothing had changed inside. A year later I had another affair. It again happened once. And this time all of the guilt hit me at once for all the others. I actually got physically ill during the act. this was 3.5 years ago. He found out this last December about all of it. From a woman he was having an affair with. OUr sex life throughout our marriage had never been very good. I never had a desire for it. I never had the desire for the others either, but I didnt care and the opportunity was there. During the 3.5 years since my last one, I had such extreme guilt that I held a big part of myself back from him. I had gone to my doctor and he actually found a physical reason that caused me to feel the way I did about sex. Since that had been treated, our sex life was wonderful. Even before he found out about what I did. So it wasnt that I was just putting on a show to get him back.

I have worked through so much in counselling. I know how wrong what I did was. I know how much pain I have caused so many. I know I have finally worked through the feelings that were inside of me for so long. I know what I did will never happen again. What I did changed the person he was. He fell back into how he was before we got married. He would see the kids maybe once a week if they were lucky. He was out screwing everything he came in contact with. At one point I would have said he was as mature as me. But that was before all of this. He is slowly becoming again the father he once was.

I can't help but love him though. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 12:36 PM   #15
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Re: Divorced and need advice

Most of the responses you got were for you to move on however you have found every excuse to not move on. I personally had 4 children when I left my husband 20 years ago because he did what you did. When I left that was the end. The children were young but they themselves talked with their dad(I did not)...Their dad had to take the time to call the school to find out what was going on there... schools will send out two reports to divorced parents. There are many things your ex can do to keep in contact with his children...or does he have the children?...it doesn't matter the custodial spouse does not HAVE to spend time discussing child issues. But it is however, a good excuse to keep in contact. Good luck with your life...your separation is too young. Step back and give your ex time to come to terms with it without you...and yes you can manage not to talk with him. It is too bad that your ex doesn't have the strength to see through it all/you and move on.

 
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