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Divorced friend influencing DH

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Old 11-25-2007, 06:45 AM   #1
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sumi HB User
Divorced friend influencing DH

I am in my last month of pregnancy and my DH does nothing to help me. See in his mind I am a stay at home mom so my "job" is to take care of our 2 year old and clean the house. The thing he doesn't seem to get is that my job doesn't end at 5:30 like his does. Mine is 24 hours! My sister pointed out how tired I get and his answer was that this is my choice.
We had a huge blow out the other day. See we went to a store and our little DD wanted to be held and his reply was "no, mama is tired" now he does this EVERY time we are out in public, she will end up crying, he will drag her accross the store make a big scene and we leave. So on Friday I simply picked her up, so he was like fine we are leaving. When we got in the car he started yelling at me and swearing at me calling me every name under the sun. My answer was simply "why don't you help me around the house so I am not tired and I can hold my child" I don't like to fight but he gets so nasty and always brings my family into it which he knows hurts me.
Now, his best friend just got a divorce and ever since he has been saying things like 'you need to leave' or I am so done with you, and swearing. A big no, no in my book. He said I am one big lie and I think I am fooling everyone by playing the happy couple? I don't even know where that came from???
I seriously don't know what to do or say. He does nothing to help me, he doesn't even take out the trash, and yet he always complains about me. He left today for a business trip and I haven't spoken to him in two days and don't plan on speaking to him. I am so hurt, and very alone. I never talk to family or friends about these problems.
I just feel like here I am in a foreign country with no family and few friends and my only friend my husband is treating me so badly. And when people bring up things like divorce it means its on their mind. He has to be thinking about it, right? He wouldn't say it if he wasn't. Yet his best friend has been through hell with his divroce, doesn't he see it. Why are men influenced by their friends so much?

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Old 11-25-2007, 08:05 AM   #2
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tiriki HB User
Re: Divorced friend influencing DH

That is such a horrible situation, I can't even begin to tell you where I have a problem with it.
You are pregnant and you are expected to everything in the house and pick up your kid without complaining? He should try carrying a baby in his belly and another in his arms all day and do all the chores for a few hours to see what it is like. I wouldn't ever put up with it!
You shouldn't even be picking up your 2 yr old when you are in your last month of pregnancy!!
I don't know what to tell you. You'll need help when the new baby comes along. Can't you get a family member or friend to come stay with you? You absolutely need to do that especially if he won't be helping you out. I think that is your main priority right now. Enlist someone to help you. Flight someone over. If they live with you for a couple weeks, a month, whatever, you'll at least have someone to talk to and to help you out and then when they leave you and your husband need to have a talk and see where this is going. If he needs a break, so be it. But if he'll stick around he needs to be man enough to deal with his responsibilities and his house and children and your well being ARE part of his responsibility.
I don't know if the influence of his friend is the problem here. It sounds to me like he hasn't been exactly the best husband/dad there is even before the friend got involved.

Old 11-25-2007, 09:31 AM   #3
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Re: Divorced friend influencing DH

I think we are influenced by what we want to be influenced by. You can't really blame ALL your husband's behavior on his friend.

You need to get yourself into a position where you have choices. I know it's hard to even imagine that while pregnant, but really, you don't need to be verbally abused and knocked down till you feel lower than a snake's belly during what is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life.

Do you have family you can stay with? Is there anyone you can reach out to? He's probably been working for years to separate you from friends and family, just for this reason. It's easier for him to abuse you and verbally beat you up and you have no one to go to or talk to or turn to because he's 'cut you off from all your family and friends, so you have no option but to sit there and take it. Reach out to your family, tell them what's been going on that tell them that you need their help and support. It's not your shame, and you have nothing at all to hide or to put a brave face on for.

Me personally, if anyone told me they didn't know why they were with me, they wanted me gone, they wanted to leave me, divorce me, etc. I would be glad to give them exactly what they wanted. I do not stay where I'm not wanted and I never give someone a second chance to trash me. I made that mistake once in my life, and once was enough.

Old 11-25-2007, 09:48 AM   #4
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Re: Divorced friend influencing DH

He yells and swears at you in front of your child??? I would never put up with somebody doing that in the first place, but to do it in front of your kid? Not cool.

Like LLM's said, people can only be influenced by others if they WANT to be. Your husband sounds like a jerk (sorry, but he does). Maybe you would be better off divorced, since you pretty much take care of everything by yourself anyway and wouldn't have to get yelled at by some tool.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

Old 11-25-2007, 09:16 PM   #5
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Re: Divorced friend influencing DH

HI I am entering my last month of pregnancy and have a 3 year old. I was complaining in a previous post my husband still doesn't pick up the slack when it comes to house work. As annoying as that is I couldn't deal with verbal abuse on top of that. When he yells at you and swears at you that is abuse. And the fact he does it in front of your child is terrible. I have to always remind my 3 year old that I can't hold him. Luckily since he is older he gets it and it isn't a problem. But oh boy do I remember when he was 2 and wanted to be held. There is no reasoning there.. Why can't he hold her? He should know that it is very hard on you to hold a 2 year old and be 9 months pregnant. I wouldn't blame this behaviour on being influenced by his friend. Your husband is a grown man is he not? He needs to be held accountable for his actions.. Do you have family else where? Maybe you could leave for a while (after you deliver) and let him decide if he is better off with out you (like he acts.) And not that I am suggesting you divorce, but if it came to that do you think you could make it? It just sounds like what he is doing to you could have a negative impact on the kids, seeing him act like that.

Old 11-26-2007, 05:04 AM   #6
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sumi HB User
Re: Divorced friend influencing DH

Thanks for your advice. To answer your questions. First of all we asked our mothers to decide which one would like to come and help out and his mother has chosen to come. The only problem is she has booked her tickets for Dec 8th and leaves the first week of Jan which makes NO sense since I am scheduled for my C-section on Dec 26th. I am not surprised, I don't know how she is going to come to help ME out but anyway. Then his sister wants to come but she is only coming for two weeks and is really more of a burden cause she knows there are huge sales that time of year and wants to come and shop.
Its such a horrible situation.
He is away now and called about ten times yesterday but I gave him the cold shoulder. I want to talk to him but he gets very mean and right now I just can't handle that. I wonder how on earth I got myself in this situation??? We have been together for 12 years and last time I was pregnant he did the same thing to me.
Thanks again for your respnses.

Old 11-26-2007, 06:44 AM   #7
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Re: Divorced friend influencing DH

I remember you posting before about the situation with his mother and sister. I can't even imagine how terrible this is for you. What a jerk (sorry but true) for yelling at you like that, and in front of your daughter! Shame on him!

When I was married to my ex and I was still a stay at home mom at that point I use to ask for a little help (and I mean minimal) every now and again. His response to me would always be "what would you do if you were a single mom?". Well, that, along with all the verbal and emotional abuse (it wasn't physical at that point), pushed me to get a job so I was less dependent on him and I started acting like that single mom. Eventually it's what drove me to throw him out and get on with my life.

I know you are not in a position right now to just get a job and support your children. But you do have options. Please, call your mom and talk to her. Have her come stay with you indefinately if you can (and who cares if it interferes with his family's stay). You are going to need all the help you can get. Maybe talking with her you will be able to find a way to move closer to or in with your family so you can get away from the mess you are in.

I'm sorry for your situation, really I am. But your husband is acting like a jerk out of his own free will. Do not blame his friends for the influence. My husband has serveral single or divorced friends and he would NEVER act like that. You deserve better and you need to show him that you will not stand for it. He thinks because you are pregnant you won't fight him. He is adding unnecessary stress on you. You need to worry about your health and your children. To heck with him! If he wants to be single and act single then let him be single. The grass isn't always greener, and it seems he may need to learn that the hard way.

Old 11-26-2007, 08:44 AM   #8
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Re: Divorced friend influencing DH

You can't blame his friends for the way he is acting. he is an adult making his own choices. It sounds to me like he is a jerk, to be quite honest. You are a stay at home mom, not a servant. That means that when he doesnt' work and on weekends, you BOTH should be doing chores and parenting, not just you. It sounds like he doesn't even parent his kids, I mean why can't he pick his child up? Why can't he PARENT his own child, you know, be a dad? I have stayed home, and believe me, after work my husband did more than his share. H e sent me out for free time, sent me on trips with my freinds, and I never felt like I was doing it alone. You are a single parent right now, you just happen to have a guy living there. And verbal abuse is never acceptable.

if I were you I would get some options for yourself and leave this guy. He doesn't apprecaite you, doesn't respect you, and certainly isn't a partner in this marriage. And it's not good for kids to witness this type of behaviour either. YOU Matter. It's not all about your husband. And you can't blame his freinds for his behaviour.

Old 11-26-2007, 07:12 PM   #9
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Re: Divorced friend influencing DH

I am having my c-section the 20th and I am due the 28th seems like we are in the same boat. I had a c-section last time, and my mom stayed for 3 weeks and i really needed the help. Like seriously, you should have the luxury of caring for the new baby and not having to do a single other thing for a couple weeks. Someone needs to be cleaning, cooking, caring for your daughter, and providing anything else you need while you recover. This time my husband (dental student) wll be on break when I deliver. I am having my mom come out 12 days after the baby is born because that is when my husband has to go back to school and I won't have any help at home. Sounds like a major hassle to have your mother in law come out and leave when you actually need the help. Personally I wouldn't really want my mother in law helping me, I would prefer my mom. Have you talked to your mom about any of these problems? Seems like you need more support than all of us online can give. But if you ever need to vent it is good for you to be here!

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