Its been a while since I have logged on. In the past threads you might remember that Imy father was very sick with stage 4 cancer and I was dealing with divorce issues.
I have no idea what I want to know or what I want to ask. I just need some type of advice. My Dad died the Monday befoe Thanksgiving at the age of 50. I can not begin to explain the pain, physical pain of losing a parent. For anyone that is still blessed to have both of their parents you are very fortunate, its a gift to enjoy.
I hurt on so many levels its hard to explain. Me and my husband are finially going to divorce. We seperated right before my Dad died although he did go through the funeral with me it was more for our girls. Ages 7 and 5. The girls have adapted and are doing fine but I am so hurt and crushed. I have friends and family but the despair that I feel can not be fixed.
Where do I start to begin the rest of my life without my father and my husband?
I think now is the time for your friends and family to step up and really be there for you, as well as for eachother. I think the worst thing you could do would be to shut everyone out, even though that is often the only thing we want to do when we're in pain. If you alienate yourself, you'll dwell in the pain and that only prolongs the healing process.
If you're open to it, there are lots of support groups out there, not just online, but personal support groups; at churches or hospitals sometimes have anonymous support groups.
I also find that keeping a journal helps me. It allows me to realease any negative thoughts I have, so I don't harbor them.
As difficult as it may be to find motivation, try to fill your day with things you enjoy doing, spending as much time as possible with your children, friends and family.
I had both my grandmothers up until the age of 30 and lost them both 6 months apart. So in trying to deal with my situation I did what I needed to do to make me feel better on any given day. If I woke up on a Monday and felt like crying that's what I did. If I felt like talking to friends or family about them I did. That is where I think you should start anywhere you want.
I know that this is hard and I view divorce as a form of death, but you can get through this. It may seem impossible but take it one day at a time and eventually you will begin to feel like your old self with wonderful memories of your father. I don't know the reason for the divorce but after the pain passes, and it will, you will see the and remember why divorce was the choice.
I was in therapy for both issues this summer and as Daddy got worse I stopped going so I could stay with him more and help with visitors and phone calls for my mom. Some said that the holidays would be very hard seeing how he died at Thanksgiving. But in all reality, for me the holidays helped. Lots of family that came in for the funeral stayed thru Thanksgiving and then returned shortly there after for Christmas. We stayed very busy for one straight month. Although he was greatly misssed we had to go on. Me and my sister both have very young children and my mother is "the great holiday entertainer" my Daddy ask her to please do the holidays for him and the kids. So, she had the strength to make it thru. I think now is much harder for the three of us (Mom, sister and myself). We do better emailing our grief. We seem to open up more and one persons pain seems to help one of the others.
As for the divorce.... well it just is what it is. We have been married for 10 years. Although his job provided many luxurys and enabled me to be home with our girls it was a great down fall as well. Money often makes you chase it and soon you spend what you make and want more. We have never from the day my oldest was born communicated. He became a providor, I was the caregiver, there was never another time we were a couple. He was never interested in being a "family man" dont get me wrong he provided well but to him he contributed by working. I just wanted him with us. Before anyone says.... I did work the past 4 years but before that we both wanted me to be home. So no I was not burdening him by just sitting home.
One issue became another, soon there were other parties involved but the marriage was already over way before that. I guess what I miss from him is the norm. Everything is just still so new. We actually signed papers Thursday. In case anybody wonders he got it all. Stuff matters much more to him, I just want the girls.