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Old 01-16-2008, 12:11 PM   #1
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Scared of divorce - I'm only 24

Hi everyone,
It's been awhile since I've been on here. Very hectic time in my life. I think several of you know I am in an abusive relationship - psychologically, sexually, sometimes a little physically. I know I have to leave, that I have to initiate a divorce. But I still love him, despite all he's done to me. I'm working on that with my therapist, I am starting to realize a lot more now, I think. It's just that he acts like there is no problem at all, and makes me feel like a horrible person for wanting to end it. I have no strength to tell him that I can't carry our marriage any more. Maybe I've given up to soon. He won't go to therapy with me, in fact my personal counseling is a secret, but I'm not sure it would even help. I don't know if I would trust him if he said he's sorry and he won't do it again. So many times I've heard those words. I am so afraid to be divorced, I'm so young what if I am making a mistake?

 
Old 01-16-2008, 12:43 PM   #2
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Re: Scared of divorce - I'm only 24

you are not making a mistake.
I'm glad you're getting counselling and you're making better decisions for yourself......
I'll tell you what would be a mistake.......staying with this man and looking back YEARS later, saying to yourself, I should have left a long time ago.
You're doing the right thing, don't look back!
you have your whole life ahead of you!

 
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Old 01-16-2008, 12:44 PM   #3
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Re: Scared of divorce - I'm only 24

The mistake is staying in an abusive relationship.

 
Old 01-16-2008, 01:21 PM   #4
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Re: Scared of divorce - I'm only 24

How could getting away from someone who hurts, belittles, shames and humliates you and is not sorry and won't make any effort to change possibly be a mistake???? Think about that. How could getting away from abuse, pain and humilation possibly be a mistake? You've told him it's a problem, he has chosen to ignore you. You've asked him to get help, he's refused. Does he have to put you in the emergency room, does he have to cripple you permanently, does he have to kill you, before you stop feeling guilty about wanting a violence and humiliation-free life? You only have one life. How much of it are you going to spend in guilt ridden misery? Only you can decide.

 
Old 01-16-2008, 01:40 PM   #5
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Re: Scared of divorce - I'm only 24

Oh sweetie! {{{hugs}}} Believe me, divorcing this guy is not a mistake. Staying married to the guy would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Believe me when I tell you I understand where you are coming from. Your husband has manipulation down to an art. He knows exactly what to say to make you believe that you are the problem, not him. But how can that be? Do you ask him to be abusive towards you? Of course not! So what gives him the right to treat you that way? Your husband refuses to see there is a problem. He doesn't respect you enough to treat you with the basic human dignity you deserve. What choice do you have, really? If this was your sister, best friend, or daughter coming to you with your exact situation what would you tell her?

I am so glad that you are with a therapist. Maybe in time you will gather the strength you need to say enough is enough. But here's the thing, you don't have to ask him for a divorce. All you need to do is leave and go somewhere safe. Once you have done that obtain a lawyer and he/she will do the rest. They will file the paperwork citing abuse as the reason for divorce. They will serve him the papers. The only thing you will have to do is see him in court. It's overwhelming, I know. But what other options do you have.

I just turned 30 and I am in my second marriage. I use to be embarrassed to admit to people that I was divorced at 27 years old. But I came to realize that I had nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't do anything wrong. My only mistake was staying with a man who was a monster. Don't make that mistake.

 
Old 01-18-2008, 07:00 AM   #6
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Re: Scared of divorce - I'm only 24

thanks everyone for your kind words. Happymom28, I didn't realize you were young too when you divorced...do you ever feel like you should have held on, and tried harder to make it work? I am so scared. I love him, but in my head I know it's only the good part of him and I can't get that without the bad. It's hard to feel like I deserve anything better, this is all I've ever had. And I'm going to walk out on it. He is so much fun when he isn't angry. We had a wonderful holiday, and afterward he had an outburst at a store, screaming at me, and it felt so much worse, I thought we were getting better. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve anything, it makes it so hard to gather the courage to call a lawyer and get the divorce. You would think that treatment would make it easier. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?! I just want to cry...

 
Old 01-18-2008, 07:13 AM   #7
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Re: Scared of divorce - I'm only 24

Quote:
Originally Posted by J_A_K View Post
thanks everyone for your kind words. Happymom28, I didn't realize you were young too when you divorced...do you ever feel like you should have held on, and tried harder to make it work? I am so scared. I love him, but in my head I know it's only the good part of him and I can't get that without the bad. It's hard to feel like I deserve anything better, this is all I've ever had. And I'm going to walk out on it. He is so much fun when he isn't angry. We had a wonderful holiday, and afterward he had an outburst at a store, screaming at me, and it felt so much worse, I thought we were getting better. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve anything, it makes it so hard to gather the courage to call a lawyer and get the divorce. You would think that treatment would make it easier. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?! I just want to cry...
I went back and forth for a year before something inside of me finally said ENOUGH ALREADY! Once I reached that point I never thought twice about it. But believe me, I understand this self doubt you are going through. I had a daughter with my ex and he made me believe that nobody would ever want me, like I was damaged goods or something. He use to threaten to take her if I didn't stay with him. He threatened suicide. I don't know why he felt the need to cling to me because he always had another girl on the side. But enough about me (sorry ).

There is NOTHING wrong with you. It's not easy to leave an abusive relationship and unless you have been in one yourself you just can't understand that. Everyone seems to think "well just leave" but it's not that easy becaue there is love there. That's what makes it so confusing. But what you have to remember is abusive and controlling people are usually very insecure people too. They take all their feelings about themselves out on the other person. They are not capable of love because they don't love themselves. Does that make any sense?

With therapy it will get easier. You have a barrier up right now and it takes work to bring that down. It will get better, you just have to believe that and keep going in the direction you are going.

 
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