It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Divorce & Separation Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-31-2008, 04:55 PM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 20
Hopeful2008 HB User
Getting Divorced and Confused

Hi everyone,
I I'm getting divorced from my husband who I have been married to for 11 years. I finally filed all of the paperwork last month and our divorce will be finalized in April. I'm slowly getting over the shock of the divorce, but my husband is still in the picture because we have two dogs that we both care a lot about. He is an alcoholic--he doesn't physically abuse me, but he is mentally abusive. Anyway, I feel very guilty about leaving him and it's breaking me down emotionally.

I have left my husband several times during the past year before I filed and during those times I reconnected with a male friend. We never saw each other, just sent a few emails here and there; however, I started feeling more than friendly towards him. Recently, we have begun talking on the phone and we even went to dinner last week. After dinner, we shared a moment out by our cars. Nothing happened, we only hugged, but I can tell that there are more than friendly feelings on his end too.

Is this okay? I mean, should I just allow myself to follow my feelings for this guy? I'm not ridiculous enough to believe that I'm in love with him or anything, but if I take it slow, can I avoid the dreaded rebound relationship? I know that everyone's advice is to take time for yourself, but I have spent way too many nights alone in the past 11 years while my husband had his booze for company. I just want to get on with my life, but I wish I could stop feeling so guilty about leaving my husband. I know I deserve some happiness, but why is it so hard to allow myself be happy?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-31-2008, 09:12 PM   #2
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,770
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful2008;3***710
Hi everyone,
Is this okay? I mean, should I just allow myself to follow my feelings for this guy? I'm not ridiculous enough to believe that I'm in love with him or anything, but if I take it slow, can I avoid the dreaded rebound relationship? I know that everyone's advice is to take time for yourself, but I have spent way too many nights alone in the past 11 years while my husband had his booze for company. I just want to get on with my life, but I wish I could stop feeling so guilty about leaving my husband. I know I deserve some happiness, but why is it so hard to allow myself be happy?
I think that this is very OK. The main thing is that you are perfectly upfront at all times with yourself and also the new guy, so that if it doesn't turn out to be the one, at least you haven't "led him on" or deceived yourself. The rebound thing is valid, but you probably have not really loved your husband for some time, so it probably doesn't apply here. It is maybe just luck that you have met this man at this moment. Good luck, Sera.

 
Old 02-01-2008, 06:52 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

I did a very similar thing when I divorced my ex. He was a cheater and verbally, mentally, and sometimes phyiscally abusive. I went back and forth for almost a year before I finally filed the papers. I too reconnected with an old friend and it really helped me to get through the hard time.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing. Take it one day at a time and keep being honest with your feelings. If you do that I'm sure you will avoid the whole "rebound" thing. Like Sera said, you probably haven't had real feelings for your husband for a long time. I know that was the case with me. That "fling" with my friend helped me in so many ways. I am now remarried (to a different man, not the friend) and I am happier than I have ever been. I credit a lot of how I was able to move on to him and being able to see myself as a real person again and not a shell of a woman.

 
Old 02-01-2008, 08:17 AM   #4
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 401
JulJul22 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

Dear Hopeful,

My ex of six years is an alcoholic as well as an addict and I felt a lot of guilt when I finally decided to leave. Mostly because we have a child together but, I very much felt like he would go downhill and do something to him self and there for, I would feel guilty for being the ‘cause’ of this. After leaving and coming back multiple times over the course of four years, I knew that it would never work and there was too much damage to fix it now. I understand what you are going through and you don’t need to feel guilty. It’s not your fault or his because alcoholism is an addiction, and it is a lot of responsibility to be in such a stressful relationship.

You obviously do love your ex husband and care for him or you would not have held in there for as long as you did but here comes a time when you need to move on. Although, I would advise you to not expect ‘happiness’ immediately because everybody has their own baggage and it’s hard to find ‘the one’. Just be careful with your heart as I know that you must be a loving, caring person to have dealt with what you have. Discover who you are again at this point in time and have fun too. Good luck!

Jules
__________________
Time does not heal. It simply provides distraction.

 
Old 02-01-2008, 10:57 AM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 20
Hopeful2008 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

Thanks everyone for the advice. I definitely care about my soon to be ex husband--you can't be with someone as long as we have without still having feelings. But I think the feelings I have left for him are only there because we spent so many years together and there are so many memories (good and bad--but more bad). It's hard to imagine not having him in my life, but I know that my life will ultimately be better without him.

Anyway, I guess the real reason that I'm worried about this new guy is because while I was seperated from husband last year and I reconnected with this guy, I developed feelings for him, and now I'm convincing myself that the only reason that I filed for divorce is because I was hoping that this new thing might work out. I know I'm wrong, my marriage was a disaster and I have needed to get out for years. When I told my mother how I felt, she said that this new guy probably gave me the push I needed to get out because talking to him made me realize how crazy my marriage was and how there are actually nice guys out there. I know that's true, but still, I don't want to put all of my hopes in this new relationship and get hurt. Then I'm afraid that I'll go running back to my ex for comfort and familiarity.

I guess I should just go with this, try to be happy, and have some fun with someone who seems to like me. Thanks again everyone!

 
Old 02-01-2008, 11:16 AM   #6
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 401
JulJul22 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

Hopeful,

Please don’t put your whole heart into this new relationship. I did the same thing and got really hurt. Although this time, I did not run back to my ex. (Probably because he’s in rehab two hours away). Give yourself time to heal and FIND YOU AGAIN. It is so very hard to go through such a life altering change but, something had to happen. It is not selfish of you after so many years of trying to help him, to do something for yourself that feels good.

After a couple of years, I started to look at my ex in a different light. I started to feel as if he were a child that I had to take care of. Make sure he went to his meeting/took him medications/didn’t take too much of his medications. I wasn’t worried about him cheating on me with another woman, more cheating on me with that bottle hidden under the chair in the basement. (I call that bottle Ronda) LoL

It becomes very different as if you are both on different levels and you still have love because of the time, the memories, but you’ll eventually fall out of love. It’s different than the usual break up. Theres not much anger involved as if there were cheating involved, more so ‘good-bye because the addiction has taken over the relationship and done its damage. It’s more giving up than breaking up.

I am still in the process of trying to figure out who I am and recovering from my past. It has been two years and allot of mistakes later, I still have allot of my past to work on. I only hope that you do this too before worrying about anything else.

Best of Luck
Jules
__________________
Time does not heal. It simply provides distraction.

 
Old 02-02-2008, 03:25 AM   #7
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: ashdown, arkansas
Posts: 29
cyndi62765 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

i feel i must reply to this post in hopes to get some insight and relief of my own..i just divorced my recovering ALCOHOLIC,bipolar,mental ,physical, verbal, abusive husband of 11 years...we also have a child...and when i say just? the 30th of january it was final..and the pain i am going through right now seems totally unbearable..to the point i have it in my head at times, the fantasy of us starting over...i just dont know how to get passed this...he has done allthe terrible things to me..hit,cheated, lied, and also loved me for so long or so he says...he was wanting to reconcile right up to the last minute and i almost backed out..but went on to the courthouse...the next morning like a robot ...now i am suffering with guilt of not honoring my vows "in sickness and in health" and living in the fear of being alone for the rest of my life...i cant sleep or eat...i know i must be the sick one here right? can anyone out there tell me how to get through this pain..its like a brick sitting on my chest..that i cant get off...tears help but it doesnt go away....i am considering going tothe doctor for some depression meds but dont know if that is the answer....also my husband doesnt work due to his bp and trying to get on his disability....which believe me he needs he is on 6 kinds of medication and he cannot funtion in society...very anti-social....i was his everything...and i left him i am afraid for him and for me...i have lost time at work because of this and i cannot afford to lose anymore...HELP!!!

LOVE TO ALL!!!
__________________
~cyndi~

 
Old 02-02-2008, 01:37 PM   #8
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 20
Hopeful2008 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

Cyndi, I am right there with you. The guilt I am still feeling over my impending divorce is sickening to me. All day today I have walked around in this haze, feeling anxious, depressed, and sick to my stomach. My soon to be ex is little by little accepting it, but I almost feel like it's easier for him because he gets to blame me for ending it, whereas I have to take responsibility for finally calling it quits. Believe me, you are doing the right thing by divorcing this man. I pray that this guilt will eventually leave us. I would definitely suggest getting medication. I take anti anxiety meds to help me cope.

For everyone else that answered me about getting involved with someone else, I spoke to the new guy last night and (surprisingly) he was very open and honest about his feelings. He said that he is incredibly worried about my well being and that although he would like to explore a relationship, he isn't expecting a lot and will kind of just go with the flow. Although I was happy to hear this, I'm even more confused today because I'm afraid of taking a chance with this guy. He seems really great and that worries me. I am truly afraid of getting hurt. I've been hurting for so many years and I don't want to feel anymore pain. Then there's my guilt over dating someone else. I am so sick of this! Why can't I just stop overthinking everything and go with flow too?

 
Old 02-02-2008, 02:15 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 932
matter of time HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

I think you are very lucky to have a special friend help you through this difficult time. Like your mother said, he helped open your eyes to how bad your marriage was. Even if you do not end up with him, he is helping you in the transition and giving you the confidence that there are good guys out there that you can meet one day when you're ready.

 
Old 02-02-2008, 06:25 PM   #10
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 20
Hopeful2008 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

You're right, I am very lucky. This man is incredible to say the things he said and to be so honest. It's just this guilt. I am the type of person who feels guilty for being happy when I know that others are unhappy.

It's really hard to take things slowly when you're feeling these wonderful emotions from someone new. I think I'm going to try and distance myself from him (the new guy) for a little bit. I can feel myself wanting to jump in now that he said all of these things about how he feels.

Thanks again for all the advice!

 
Old 02-05-2008, 08:13 PM   #11
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 20
Hopeful2008 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

Hi everyone, I'm so thankful for all of your help. These boards are a great support system.

Anyway, I wanted to give an update. After my talk last week with the other guy, I really started feeling guilty and here's why. When I reconnected with this guy last year and began exchanging emails, after a while my emails got a little flirtatious. I remember thinking that what I was doing was wrong because I was still married, but I didn't care because I knew deep down that the marriage was over. I also remember thinking that behaving like this would make me leave my husband because I could never stay with someone that I cheated on. I guess that's how desperate I was to get out of the relationship. I was never strong enough to leave him on my own, so I figured this would give me the push.

Now that I have finally filed for divorce, I feel like I'm the bad guy. Even though my husband did so many horrible things to me all of these years, he never cheated. But in my mind I did. I want to be happy and feel free to pursue something with this new guy (because he's fantastic!), but why can't I let go of the guilt? Will I ever be able to look at myself again without thinking "You cheated and ruined your marriage?"

 
Old 02-05-2008, 08:25 PM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 932
matter of time HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

It takes two to ruin a marriage. Try not to feel guilty, it is not all your fault. You would not have filed the divorce if he was different.

 
Old 02-06-2008, 03:49 PM   #13
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 20
Hopeful2008 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

I know it's not completely my fault, but I am the type of person who always thinks that she has to be perfect in everything she does. My act of i"nfidelity" proved to me that I'm not perfect, not to mention the fact that I wan't able to keep my marriage together despite my husband's drinking problem makes me think I was weak.

Every day I feel like I'm dealing with some new emotion. It has been gonig on now for 6 months. One day I feel exited about going on with the life, the next day I feel like the world's worst person for leaving him, and the next I'll be depressed and scared. One thing that has remained constant (at least in the past three months) is that I definitely don't want to be with him anymore. Whether it's my feelings for the new guy or the horrible memories of our marriage, deep down I'm glad that it's over.

But it doesn't help that my soon to be ex keeps switching moods on me too. He goes from being incredibly mean to the sweetest person in the world, which is exactly what he did all of the years we were together. This emotional rollercoaster is killing me! Will I ever be able to get over the guilt of being "the bad guy?" Sometimes I wish that he had cheated on me because I would have just left him years ago. Then he would have been the "bad guy." I feel like I should just completely cut him out of my life. I know we have our dogs together, but maybe what I need is to be away from him so I can deal with my feelings without his influence. I'm thinking about going to stay with my sister 3 hours away from our hometown to get some peace and quiet for a few months.

 
Old 02-06-2008, 05:53 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Alabama
Posts: 778
Mileena42 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

Hmmm you say he never cheated. How so? He cheated you out of a normal marriage by drinking. Even though drinking is a disease, it's a choice whether you get help or not. He cheated you out of the companionship and partnership a marriage should be. He cheated you out of the man he could and should have been. He cheated you out of 11 years of happiness and forced you into the role of "care giver" because HE had a problem. To top all of that off, while you were taking care of him he was abusive to you.

Maybe he didn't cheat on you in the conventional way with another woman, but do NOT lie to yourself and say he didn't cheat you out of all the things he promised in HIS vows.

I grew up with an abusive drinking father. It affects the whole family. My mother was cheated out of a happy life....(she is still with him and very bitter), not to mention what his behavior did to us children. The point is.....no one is responsible for your husband but himself. Please don't feel guilty because you finally broke free and decided not to be his full time care giver. He is a grown man, and I am sure long past time to grow up and care for himself, and hopefully your leaving will open his eyes to his need for help with his addictions.

You can't spend your life protecting him from himself. You deserve some happiness and I wish you the best with it!

Mileena

 
Old 02-06-2008, 09:12 PM   #15
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 20
Hopeful2008 HB User
Re: Getting Divorced and Confused

Thank you so much. Mileena. I really needed to hear your words. I actually printed out your response and I'm going to carry it around with me and every time I start to feel guilty about getting on with my life, I'm going to take it out and read it. Your words helped me more than you will ever know!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Best friend getting divorced. . . 2 sides of story... EDC_Light Relationship Health 64 02-15-2010 07:57 AM
Very Sad Man Getting Divorced MaleVictim Divorce & Separation 17 11-08-2009 01:01 PM
Depression getting worse, any advice? KrisAHT2009 Depression 7 02-13-2009 04:41 PM
Getting serious with a divorced man pa43 Divorce & Separation 13 04-23-2007 06:47 AM
We are getting married, so cofused!! Nina000 Relationship Health 50 01-06-2006 01:30 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



shisslak (5), renko (4), anonnymouse (4), frikita (3), Titchou (2), Misty800 (2), thaliak (2), awlright (2), gardenandcats (2), rosequartz (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1006), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (850), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:18 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com
Terms of Use 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!