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Old 02-13-2008, 11:40 AM   #1
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Unhappy PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce papers

i'll try to be direct. i am 30, wife is 31. we have been together for 15 years, married almost 8. we were never "on/off again"..... very stable. 1st kiddo is 6 and she experienced postpartum depression. she stated that she contemplated divorcing me then but didn't tell me that until years later. we now have an 11 month old. she seemed to be doing pretty well until about the 4 month mark after giving birth. now mind you, i am no angel. i complicated things by having a prescription pain killer habit that evolved after a major, chronic back injury. i have had to deal with depression issues too. i think that this along with the fact that she is VERY stressed about finishing her dissertation and finding a job. 5 months ago she presented me with a written ultimatum specifying stipulations that i had to fulfill or she would leave me. i fulfilled them all.... no more opiod/narcotic pain meds, therapy (individual/couples), new back doctor, helping more around the house, cutting down on alcohol consumption. i've never been abusive, she acclaims me as always being a great father. the problem is that after the changes were made she kept pulling away... stonewalling, refusing to communicate, unable to verbalize her feelings/plans for the future, and inability to committ to me or our marriage. she said as recently as last week that she loves me, is in love with me, sees and appreciates the positive changes that i made. our sex life has been healthy although strained at times due to circumstances. we were "together" days ago. she is not the same person that i know her to be. she admitted that she is struggling with depression. she is taking herbal supplements to help and seeing a therapist who is actually working on her own dissertation while counseling at the university. okay.... fast forward... i told my wife that it's been 5 months and she is still unable to committ as set forth by our wedding vows. when she affirmed that she is unsure if she can committ to the "till death does us part" i handed her my wedding ring. i told her that i love her and i am 100% committed to our marriage but the ring is a symbol of her devotion to me and when she is able to fulfill her vows then i would love nothing more than to wear it again. i value the ring more than the finger that it adorned. days later, i attended a previously planned two night trip out of town. when i returned there was a note that said be right back, basically, then came the knock at the door. she had filed for divorce that very day and i was served papers. she refuses to speak to me and has only communicated with me in 1 text -- "daughter will call you at 7pm" and an e.mail that i can come by the house to spend time with the kids from 2pm-their bed time and she will leave for that. infidelity has never been a factor on either side. i strongly suspect that postpartum depression, exacerbated by other stressors, have turned my wife into someone hardly recognizable. our families and peers are all AMAZED and very sad that this happened. it was so sudden. i am lost...... opinions/advice are sooooooo welcomed. sorry so long............... ms1
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Old 02-13-2008, 12:15 PM   #2
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Re: PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce pa

Gee, while I didn't suffer from postpartum depression, I know it can be a very tough thing to go through. I am also wondering about your baby being 11 months old, how long do you think PPD might last? This board has a womens health site that might anwer your questions on how long? I am really not sure.

Other than her being depressed, and the fact that she won't talk to you at all. I don't know how you could communicate with her. Obviously, you need to take some time to reassure her ( if she is indeed depressed), and try and reach her to tell her how you feel. What about writing her a letter, and explaining about your feelings and that you want your family back?

The one thing that bothers me is her written ulimatums. Hmmm......so you had to do all the things on her list in order for her to hang around? While, I believe that people should not put up with things like abusing prescription drugs, I also think it was rather harsh for her to give you a whole list of changes she expected from you in order for her to stay with you!

I feel for you, and hope things work out. My advice probably won't help much, but maybe some other the other members know more about PPD than I do.

Good Luck
Mileena

Last edited by Mileena42; 02-13-2008 at 12:16 PM.

 
Old 02-13-2008, 03:33 PM   #3
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Re: PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce pa

i am hurting so badly. i miss my babies. i have always been very involved... from bottles, to baths, diapers, lullabies EVERY night, prayers at bed time. oh dear Lord, give me strength. i miss my wife too. the one that i married and knew until recently. never in a million years would i have envisioned this..... not even now during turbulant times...... unfathomable.
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Old 02-13-2008, 03:46 PM   #4
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Re: PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce pa

I am so sorry for the pain you must be going through with this right now

Is she in contact with anyone from her family that you might be able to speak to about this? I know you said they're all seemingly shocked and saddened - but where is she staying? Who is helping her right now? Maybe trying to find a way to work a conversation in through them could at least be a way to open the lines of communication back up? That must be the hardest part - how do you help her, reassure her, and rebuild what you two have if she won't even talk to you?

Get some help from those she's close to right now, if you feel that is appropriate (meaning that you get along well with them and they support your marriage etc...).

Good luck, I can only imagine how heartbreaking this must be right now.

 
Old 02-13-2008, 04:00 PM   #5
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Re: PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce pa

i spoke to her father twice. he, as with everyone, was shocked and saddened. he spoke to her and told me that she has no interest in reconcilliation. i don't want to be a pest or "that guy" that calls all of her friends and family enlisting their help. the fact of the matter is everyone has always supported us and often used our marriage as a model. i trust that as the news trickles through our peer and family groups that they will assist with the best intentions for us. i am just going to give her some space and time (not that i have any other option). i'll pray for the best and prepare for the worst....... ms1
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Old 02-13-2008, 07:42 PM   #6
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Re: PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce pa

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. You sound extremely devoted to your family. I suppose it might not be the best time to agree on a divorce yet, until you are sure that she is in the right state of mind to know she's certain about it. I wonder too if you giving the ring back was misinterpreted, like if she saw it as you finally giving up on her or something. I hope she gets the help and support she needs as she is raising your two children while seemingly not being that emotionally stable. I am hoping the best for you too.

 
Old 02-14-2008, 12:56 PM   #7
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Re: PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce pa

I was reading your other thread before I read this thread.
Is your wife seeing a therapist and is she on medication? I don't see how she could file papers and deprive you of the chance to be with your kids.

There must be something else going on besides PPD. Have others noticed her behavior? Is she acting differently? I'm wondering if the pressure of her dissertation along with having a new baby has triggered something....it just doesn't add up.

 
Old 02-17-2008, 01:34 PM   #8
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Re: PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce pa

she refuses to try to work it out or even talk about it. fine. she has destroyed my trust and i don't think she could ever regain it. i guess that every great love story has an end. whereas i used to look at her and only see beauty, now her ugliness is apparent. i will fight for all that i believe is right. i have nothing to lose. GAME ON and I'M ALL IN..... ms1
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Old 02-17-2008, 11:07 PM   #9
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Re: PLEASE HELP! I think my wife has postpartum depression, just served w/ divorce pa

I'm sorry to hear that. You've got to do what you've got to do, but it's sad that it has come to that. All the best.

 
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