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Old 05-07-2008, 07:43 PM   #1
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Question MS and DIVORCE?

Hi. Is there anyone out there who has MS and going thru or been thru a divorce? Unbelievable, my husband of 24 years has decided he no longer feels he has a "connection" with me. I am devastated, confused, hurt, angry, scared, etc.... I cried to my physical therapist after I broke down telling him about it. Thanks for your input.

Laura

 
Old 05-07-2008, 08:10 PM   #2
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

Laura, just wanted to say GOOD RIDDANCE. I feel for you, honey. I really do....but when a man feels the way you describe, why would you want him? This is a horrible thing to have to deal with, and no, im not going thru it, but you have to find the strength to pick yourself up and hold yourself together.

Statistically, I have read that many people with MS do go thru divorce due to MS related issues. Sexual problems, constant medical attention, all of these things could certainly contribute to a partner walking away...but in the grand scheme of things, do we really need partners who arent there to support us?

I can only imagine how upset you are- and Im very glad to hear you have a physical therapist, it might be time to look into a personal therapist to talk this thru with...maybe your PT or Neuro can recommend a good counselor for you? Nevertheless, we are all here to vent to, and because we have a large female population, Im almost positive youll have the support you need right now, right here on this board! Only a woman can truly understand the pain of being told what you were told. Its not fair, its not even reasonable- but in the end, you dont want this man in your life. Youre better than that.

please find some support on the outside world, and please let us know how youre doing....you need to focus on YOU right now and take care of yourself, stuff like this is a relapse's dream...dont let the relapse in. Take care of you. The rest really will take care of itself.

Hugs
Nikki
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Old 05-07-2008, 09:27 PM   #3
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

I agree with a lot of what Nikki wrote. No divorce here, but lived common law with a man for 7 years, only to have him bail out when the situation looked grave (of course, like Nikki mentioned, the sexual problems got in our way as a result of what was eventually diagnosed as MS). I felt horrendous afterwards, had bought a house (thankfully in my name only) assuming a double income was available. Well, when things got really bad for me, off he went.

Not that I completely blame him in hindsight. He was honest and couldn't deal with what I was going through. It takes a lot out of your partner. He told me, "You aren't the same person". I sure wasn't.

You will find many here can share and sympathize to different degrees. Hugs
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Old 05-07-2008, 11:28 PM   #4
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

hi Laura

I went through a separation a couple of years ago.. Almost divorced too.
We did get back together, i went to counselling. It was the worst time in my life. I got so depressed . it almost destroyed me. Trust, faith and all strength went out the door.
things are ok now, but trust has been broken .
All i want to say is . I was so overcome with emotion, i had one horrible relapse.
Like Nikki says Don't let the relapse in. Honey stick with a counsellor, PT any get a support team happening around you. I have two young kids. Had to put them first. They gave me the strength to keep going.
You need to be around people who can give you strength.
Glad you found this board.. Keep us posted..(((( Many hugs ))))

 
Old 05-08-2008, 02:15 AM   #5
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

Hi, Laura. I'm not in your situation but I've seen many people with MS and other chronic illnesses whose relationships have broken up -- sometimes due to disease but not always and of course, sometimes a combination. I just wanted to say that I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Please make taking care of yourself your first priority. I encourage you to at least consider counseling during this difficult time.

 
Old 05-08-2008, 03:57 AM   #6
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

I was dx'd in April of last year. Our 3rd anniversary was last May. We were seperated by July and divorced since January. Mine was angry because the moment I wasn't a contributing working women, I had no use. Mine was so cruel, he took away the health insurance. It is one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Unless you've been through a divorce, it is without a doubt one of the most painful, not to mention self-esteem sucking moments in time. Now add MS to the mix and oh brother.........Lord give me strength. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, it is awful. I think having a spouse die would almost be easier to wrap your head around, but then, I have no experience with that but I do with divorce and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Having a spouse you love dump you when you are ill is the most horrible thing. I wish I had advice for you, but no one really wants to hear, it'll get better or feel fortunate or anything like that. It is what it is and it stinks. Accept support when it's offered and seek it when you need it. Take it one day, or one minute at a time. Time, is the only thing that will help and that isn't much of a comfort at this point. You'll go through sadness, confusion, denial, grief, anger. I like when I got to the angry part because then I can act. All the other ones just put me in bed in the fetal position, crying my eyes out. Seek help for depression asap, especially with MS, it seems to be part and parcel of the disease anyway. Get an attorney and get it NOW. Please, don't wait. When your spouse does something like this to you, you have to put aside that you love them, don't want this, etc. PROTECT YOURSELF and get an attorney. I was a doormat, I didn't want to hurt him but he had no problems nor guilt hurting me. Maybe you aren't ready to hear this, but I'll write it anyway. You are fortunate in a way, 24 years is most likely going to protect you in a divorce. Spousal support, having an illness, etc. You need to focus on protecting yourself at this point. I know it is a shock but the sooner you act, the better (GET AN ATTORNEY). Research online and find divorce/seperation groups to join. I joined one just before our divorce trial and wish I had done it sooner. They offer such good advice about everything. If you find yourself getting angry, don't retaliate, that stuff tends to come back and revisit, especially in a courtroom. I've probably said too much but this is an open and weeping wound with me. I don't envy your situation and I'm very, very sorry.

 
Old 05-08-2008, 05:03 AM   #7
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

Hello,
I've never been through a divorce/and or seperation but can only begin to imagine what your going through right now. Please don't let him get the best of you. It must be extremely painful and shocking and difficult to use sound judgement at this time in your life, but please to not let your emotions interfere with taking action. My parents are in the process of getting a divorce, so I'm on the other side of it right now. My father still loves her, but she has no interest after 20+ years and I believe she might be having an affair. I also feel horrible for my father because he has tried to help their marriage throughout the years when my sisters and I were growing up. He has dealt with her alcoholism disease, DUI, lower back problems, taking care of the house, our various sports, pretty much everything! I believe she is having a mental breakdown of some sort. Her mother went through one around the same time. I've seen the devestation that my father's been through, and now (within the next year afer my younger sister graduates college) they are getting divorced. Their mortgage will also be paid off by the end of this year, which is really the kicker. My father will owes my mother half of everything, including his 401k, etc.. which just rips me apart. I have so much resentment towards her (probably more than my father) and haven't spoken to her in 2 months now. ITS NOT FAIR for the person who is hurting. I've considered getting a prenumpt when I get married because of this, which is very sad. Your in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry this is happening to you.


Tara
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Old 05-08-2008, 11:52 AM   #8
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

Disease and sickness can all too often divide a marriage. It is not reserved for women only. Often times it is the physically healthy spouse who walks away. The truth is that many times the physically healthy one is the spiritually weak one. If counselling can heal a rift, then try it, BUT if one half does not want the counselling,it is best to divorce and move on with your life.

As a man, I can not ever understand how you feel as a woman, but I can tell you that you can not let the stress and strain ruin your life. Life has many blessings and you have to take the blessings from whence they come.

Many times the "healthy" spouse is actually leaving becausse deep down they are in a grieving process and are letting go. If they can be taught that there is no need to mourn and that life need not stop, then you can move forward. Perhaps a caregiver support group can help the "healthy" spouse to realize their responsibility to the relationship and how they should act.

Many churches have support groups for people dealing with divorce (my church does and the last three churches have as well). There are many people who are more than willing to love and support you in your new life. The most important thing is to realize that you are not alone. It is like this forum here, you are not alone.

My prayers go out for you for this trial that you are encountering. Gird yourself with spiritual strength and you will be fine.

 
Old 05-08-2008, 12:07 PM   #9
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

Thanks. We did have a marriage & family therapist who lives close by. Our last visit was about a week ago. You are right, he is NEVER here for me. NO support whatsoever. I got the name & # of an excellent divorce lawyer (woman). It's just so scary.........
Laura

 
Old 05-08-2008, 12:08 PM   #10
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

Laura, it really stinks, and I can't add much to Nikki's excellent advice. Alas, divorce rates when a spouse develops a chronic illness are v. high. And ince mostly women get MS,it's those stinky-stuff-my-emotions-can't deal men (sorry guys--I know some of you ae wonderful because you're my friends, but I'm sure even you know what I mean). When I got sober, my partner of 15 years (non-alcoholic) was a) stunned that I was an alcoholic--I hid it well --and b) turned out to have been having an affair and left me less than a year into recovery, which was like a foreign land. She couldn't cope w. my sobriety. Nor could my alcoholic mother, who wouldn't see or speak to me for the last 15 years of her life (tho she did write vicious drunken letters, the last one banning me from her funeral and threatening police action). Significant others often have enormous ifficulty adapting to our chnged seves. I am v.v. fortunate that my life partner understands the disease--she has vasculitis and some of the same symptoms of MS, but she is still stronger than I am and can still drive--no txis in town, and most of my med guys are more than an hour away by car. But she'll be 70 in Sept, and I don't know how much longer she'l be capable off physical help, though emotionally she will *always* be there--even if we haven't had sex in a year or more! Anyway, Laura, hang in there and keep seeing a therapist. Most will do sliding scale if you don't have inurance.

Lots of hugs--you'll find a better guy out there, I promise you!

 
Old 05-08-2008, 12:25 PM   #11
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

OMG. That's what he said to me! "MS has changed you". I just never thought he would abandon me after 24 years. Thanks for replying...
Laura

 
Old 05-08-2008, 02:03 PM   #12
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

Re: MSJayhawk post

MSJayhawk, I can really relate to what you said. My husband is having a terrible time w/ my MS (we've been married 27 yrs. and I have had MS for 22 yrs., but I have been really disabled for only 5 yrs.)).

When I feel l ok I can understand what he is dealing with, not to mention the fact that I HAVE changed in some VERY major ways. At the very least, he and I both are extremely depressed and disappointed in how our lives together have changed. At the same time, the opportunities for growth have been immeasurable. Strangely, I wouldn't change a thing.

I try to understand, as does he, but it's so hard on top of everything else. What an important phrase "for better or worse" has turned out to be.

Last edited by jlbrow7; 05-08-2008 at 02:07 PM.

 
Old 05-08-2008, 02:18 PM   #13
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

You sound like me - dx for 21 yrs., married for 24, MS getting progressive for past 5 yrs. Yeah. for better or for worse vows out the window....
Laura

 
Old 05-08-2008, 02:30 PM   #14
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

I just feel like broken merchandise and what guy would want me?

 
Old 05-08-2008, 02:54 PM   #15
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Re: MS and DIVORCE?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraMaeA View Post
I just feel like broken merchandise and what guy would want me?
I feel like this too. We're not broken merchandise however. Living with what we have proves we're far from broken... we're strong women. That in itself can be intimidating.
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