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Old 05-26-2008, 03:25 PM   #16
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Re: Confused about Divorce?

I decided to divorce my husband after several years of a non-marriage with no communication, affection, etc. I told my husband and he responded very nicely (much as you are doing). He told me I could stay in our home as long as I needed to. I had already rented an apartment and had my own savings account, so I stayed for about another week and then moved out. The fact that he was so nice about it and I didn't move out right away didn't affect my decision. I had my mind made up but thought we could handle it civilly, which I feel we did. We continued to do things as a family with our son for a couple more years, until one evening when he arrived at my apartment to pick up our son and the man I was dating at that time was there. After that he turned mean & nasty. But that's beside the point, what I'm trying to get across is that although we behaved civilly toward each other, I still carried on with my plans for divorce and the fact that we got along ok didn't change my mind. If your wife has her mind made up she won't change it just because you had a couple of pleasant days. It will have to be a change that she decides based on many other factors, but if she's determined, she will continue on. Good for you for being civil, but please understand that she may quite probably continue on with her divorce plans.

 
Old 05-27-2008, 05:37 AM   #17
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Re: Confused about Divorce?

Your wife seems pretty hell bent on "splitting things evenly". What exactly does that mean to her? This is why you need to seek a lawyer asap. She is playing with your emotions (having a good weekend and then bam!) and it's unfair.

Continue to be nice to eachother because there is no need to get nasty just because you are divorcing. Just know that she can be very nice to you but still want to move on. It happens. Please do what you need to do for you!

 
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Old 05-30-2008, 11:16 AM   #18
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Re: Confused about Divorce?

Hi,

So I started today with a family/individual counselor. Basically just a bring her up to speed type of meeting.

I did speak to an lawyer this week and her recommendation was to open my own checking and move my direct deposit from joint checking to mine. So that will start to happen the middle of next month. Basically I should change any access to accounts that I can so they can't be liquidated since we neither of us have filed court papers.

My wife told me that she went to see a place to live yesterday and is uncertain if she likes it enought. I asked her if she was still interested in keeping the house and she is. So I'm not certain what that means if she is searching for places to live yet wants the house? We still haven't sat down and discussed who gets what. My understanding so far is that she expects to split everything we purchased together as 50/50

At dinner last night I again said that I wanted to work to save our marriage and her response was that she thought it was great that I wanted to try and save it but that she was ready to move on.

Then last night we go for a walk and out of the blue she starts to talk about stuff going on at work. I just listened and agreed with her. Later she was mentioning a former male co-worker and I asked afterward if she was seeing anybody and she said NO. Each day she goes to work she wears her wedding ring and our house still looks exactly like it did before her announcement with our wedding and vacation pictures displayed.

Everybody agrees that she is sending mixed signals to me. I still am hopeful that she will change her mind and decide to work on it.

So I'm still confused.

 
Old 05-30-2008, 12:42 PM   #19
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Re: Confused about Divorce?

I've read some of the posts and some of your replies. Excuse me, but I am afraid you are being too humble. Please stop saying you love her and that you want to work on marriage issues etc. You may still love her and you may want to work on those issues - it is your right - but you don't need to "bother" her with such detail. You said it once, but it had no effect, so that was enough. Play with the same "weapons". Accept what she says as her final real intention (she sounds very precise) and act accordingly.

Since you both want to keep civility, I would suggest you go together to the same lawyer or court in order to resolve the differences. Choosing the same lawyer will help minimize the conflict and cost.

Look after yourself. That was a hard blow, I know. Accept that you may also have made mistakes, but be ready to move on. Life doesn't wait.

Last edited by pendulum; 05-30-2008 at 12:51 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2008, 01:14 PM   #20
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Unhappy Re: Confused about Divorce?

I don't think there is much to be confused about here, to be honest. It sounds like you have been married for many years. Leaving a marriage of long duration is bound to leave one with some ambivalence. Clearly she wants to leave on friendly terms with you. That is all it sounds like she is meaning by the sharing of her work experiences and doing yardwork with you, for example. On the issues of your relationship? She has never ever wavered, according to your reporting. There is nothing to be confused about. I am sorry to have to say that. But it is true. She has been very very clear on the basic issue of your marriage.

 
Old 07-09-2008, 02:27 PM   #21
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Re: Confused about Divorce?

Hi,

Just to give an update. On Monday night which was actually on the 2 month anniversary of her announcement that she wanted to go her own way we had a very emotional discussion.
It started out as I needed to confront her about a suspected situation going on with her ex-husband. My hunch was correct and she has seen him but in her words it only progressed to kissing at this time. She says she is truly sorry that it occurred and didn't want to hurt me.
As our conversation continued we both opened up about our marriage and the things that we both had not done to make it work like we had hoped. One big item was lack of communication from both of us and my lack of affection for her. We agreed to both work at the marriage for the next 5 months and see along the way how our progress is going. We both have even agreed to see a couples therapist. Quite a reversal for her from before. She said she changed her mind to give us one last shot so that she can feel she did her all to try an make it work.
One thing that I say to her was that I needed some time to confront my feelings about her and the ex. Also about her lying to me about both the state of our marriage and her sneaking around. Right this minute I don't have any bad feelings about her and the ex and the level that they got to. Which I'm puzzled by since I feel that I should be irate but maybe since they only kissed (her words) my mind isn't thinking worst. I'm wondering if I'll be able to handle it when she is late coming home or gone out to run errands.
Any advice on ways to cope with the infidelity or suggestions on ways to progress with our marriage in the next 5 months? Also any ideas to help restore the spark between a couple?
Thanks for reading.

 
Old 07-09-2008, 04:06 PM   #22
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Re: Confused about Divorce?

Quote:
Originally Posted by fran1961 View Post
...
Any advice on ways to cope with the infidelity or suggestions on ways to progress with our marriage in the next 5 months? Also any ideas to help restore the spark between a couple?
Thanks for reading.
I'd suggest:
a) doing things together for fun (physical activities, working out, walking, playing games, dancing, etc);
b) doing household chores together - every day;
c) socializing together (going to parties, ceremonies, political meetings, all kinds of celebrations, etc);
d) touching each other (massaging, holding hands, etc - it doesn't have to be something overtly sexual);
e) finding new interests for each of you AND for the couple;
f) being courteous, kind, and polite to each other (saying thank you, apologizing, etc frequently), and avoiding complaining and criticizing;
g) creating routines, but allowing for some flexibility, too;
h) keeping healthy, fit and in good appearance;
and last but not least
i) keeping your own privacy and having time and space for yourself, too.

Hope this helps you.

 
Old 06-09-2011, 06:25 PM   #23
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Re: Confused about Divorce?

This sounds exactly like our situation. We are also saying "splitting up", I'm still wearing my wedding rings. We have been married for 18 years, and we're in no big rush to immediately move out. This is a huge decision, and I'm not going to kick him out. We're not going to push each other into rushing into a bad living arrangement.

I think your wife does want to divorce, but, she needs some time to get her head around the gravity of what is going on. At least that's what's going on with me.

 
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