My wife and I have been married for 15 years and she just last week said that we should spilt everything up and go our own ways. She didn't really say the "divorce" word. Definitely something has not been right for quite some time between us. I just didn't do anything about it.
She basically said all she wanted in the house was the stuff she came in with. She wants us to divide everything up 50/50. I know she has opened her own checking and been in contact with realtors. She also said that we could live in the house together and that she would be friendly to me. She still wears her wedding ring. Nothing like pictures of us together have been removed or changed. She has continued to tell me where she is going when she goes out. Basically she continues to act like we are married except saying that she loves me. She mentioned that her feeling towards me is like room mates or brother and sister.
I realize that she is serious about going our own ways and is not doing this to push me to do something about us. I realize that I don't want our marriage to end and that I have already begun counseling for issues that I know I need to address. I want to go to counseling because no matter what happens I want to be a better person and not continue doing the same old things.
What confuses me is that I don't understand why she hasn't left or told me to. She is very detail person and usually has a plan for everything. She said she hasn't figured everything out yet. Again she didn't say divorce just going our own ways. Maybe she did'nt want to push me over the edge just yet.?
I still tell her "I love you" each time I see her as I have always done. I 'm taking this time to show her the changes that I realize need to be done in the way I interact with her and not the way we were recently.
As the title says I'm confused. Am I reading too much into her non-action at this time?
In my opinion, love is something you show not say, but this has to be mutual to work. I separated, not legally from my wife for three years and then we got back together. We seldom say we love each other, but show it. We now live apart due to work.
I am trying to say that you don't need to be divorced unless you want to remarry, so I would just let it happen. If your not having sex, then you need to think why you are together, as this intimacy is important to love. If there is just a friendship love, then you need to ask yourself what you would do if you saw her with someone else, and if that someone else was a friend. These questions are important and tell you how you really feel.
Being able to set someone free is allowing yourself to grow as a better person. If it's not right for her, she will come back and you may not be available, so just enjoy the now, instead of wondering what will happen. If it bothers you tell her to leave, but be nice.
Last edited by thumbman; 05-17-2008 at 09:52 AM.
Reason: spelling and change I to we
Maybe your wife is like me. I'm thinking about divorce but it is a big step and needs a lot of consideration. My husband is going to therapy to work on his issues but I really don't care anymore. It is easier to say let's split up than let's get divorced. I think your wife is just taking it slow, one step at a time. It is not that I don't like my husband, we get along...I'm just tired of living with a man I don't trust and therefore cannot feel close to.
Thank you for your perspective. You may be right as she has only told a very close group of friends. No family knows yet. Do you not think that the therapy will do anything to change him and that once he starts to change it might make you change your mind?
I've never done any type of therapy but I'm holding out hope that it makes me a better person and hopefully then either help restore my marriage or I learn not to make the same mistakes again.
I don't know what your mistakes are. In my husbands case he admitted a sexual affair when we were married 15 years. The guilt stressed him out and he went to therapy. Since he was so sick over it, I forgave and everything was fine. Then a few years ago (4-5 years after incident) I started looking at his phone and took notes (nights he was out late, when he said in the morning he'd eat dinner out that night)and put it all together. He dates and frequently calls and texts other women. I started questioning him and he got stressed again. He does not admit the stress has anything to do with cheating but every time I question something, he gets worse. He is seeing a therapist for his stress/anxiety/depression, he does not admit any cheating. He does say he has some faults he has to work through. I think it is he ego problem even though he is very successful in his field.
You can read my thread "Anyone call the other woman" for more info.
Just an update. we talked and she definitely does not want to go to a marriage counselor with me. She says she has nothing to give that its all gone. She even says that she realizes that she is 50 percent of the problem.
I'm trying to cope and figure out what the next steps are. Continue to better myself?, Continue to act as if it may be the last day on earth? kinda part of the better myself thing by not waiting but acting when things are wrong.
I suggest you keep moving down the road of bettering yourself. A little "self improvement" never hurt anyone.
I think that even if your wife doesn't want to go to counselling that you persue it on your own. You need to come to terms with everything yourself and it could help you get past whatever your issues are.
It's good that your wife realizes that she is "50% responsible" as well and is not putting all the blame on you. It's too bad she won't talk to you about everything, but what can you do? You can't force someone to communicate if they are that unwilling.
Remember, you don't have to wait around for her to decide. If it is too hard to live and act the way you are then tell her. It's unfair for you to have to live a certain way because that is what she wants. I know I wouldn't be able to live like a roommate with my husband if one day that is what he wanted. It would be too hard pretending that it's okay. You need to be selfish at this point and worry about you. After all, that is what she is doing, right?
At this point, She's running the show. Move on. It will hurt now. In the long term it will get better. Do what you need to do for yourself in the end.
To many people try to stay in a relationship until the time is right for them to leave. This can only be done if the other partner lets it happen. Why should you?
Be nice, be amicable, but be firm. She wants to move on. Move on now.
So still being confused but slowly starting to accept that divorce is probably what ends up happening. How should I handle our current situation? We both still live in the house. She offers to cook dinner. She so far has told me each time when she goes out. Not when she will be back but so far each time where she is going. She stated that she hasn't figured out what she wants out of the house yet but want to divide the property 50/50. Best as I can tell not seeing anyone yet. When she stops telling me where she is going is probably the first clue that there is someone else. Basically our house looks the same (wedding pictures still displayed) as before she told me. The other night she went shopping and showed me the clothes she bought.
I think part of her not moving out or telling me to leave is financial.
It may do you some good to at least talk to a lawyer and get to know what your rights are to cover your own butt. For all you know she could be nice as pie to your face only to blindside you with papers and all that.
I'm not saying be ruthless and beat her to the punch. I'm just saying get to know where you stand legally so when the demands start (and eventually it will happen) you won't get taken for a ride. There is nothing wrong with being prepared especially when you are not sure where you she stands and where her mind is.
Best as I can tell not seeing anyone yet. When she stops telling me where she is going is probably the first clue that there is someone else.
I wouldn't assume that just yet, some women I have known have specifically told their partners details in order to avoid guilt and argument when dating other men. I am not trying to freak you out, I just want to point out that I think from your posts she has made it quite clear on where she stands and that you should be prepared to not assume anything anymore. As others have said, it is easy to be blindsided especially since she has likely had a head start in moving on and sorting out her life.
I can't say because I don't know you or your situation, but it may help you out more if you and your wife live apart. It will give you time to sort out your thoughts and life in peace. If you are meant to be together then the break may do some good for your relationship together, or it may help you both split amicably and move into your own paths like I said before. It will be very difficult when you have to live apart- why wait until it becomes more difficult or there is an argument?
she's sticking around because whoever moves out of the home forfeits some of their rights......you need a lawyer.
does she contribute financially to the marriage? has she talked to a lawyer, filed for divorce?
Thanks for the posts. She has spoken to a lawyer but says has not hired one yet. As for me I meet with one next week. Yes she does contribute financially to the marriage. I'll be interested to see if her paychecks continue into the joint checking since she has opened her own checking account. Her income is less than 1/2 of mine and I'm wondering if that is slowing her down on her decision. Especially with the cost of everything going up so fast right now. I am trying to get an appointment with a family counselor to work on some of the problems that I realize I have.
The last few days she has actually been sick at home with some type of stomach bug. I was nice and help take care of her. At least what she allowed me to help. We are having a birthday party at our house this weekend for my step daughter (26 years old). Yesterday we talked about the plans and stuff needed for the party. She mentioned to me that she wouldn't be home after work today. I didn't ask her to tell me.
We watch TV together every night in separate seats but in the same room. Usually talk about whatever is going on in the TV show.
Some of the real hard decisions I'm having is to where to draw the line with us both in the house for the time being.
Do I continue to say "I love you" whenever I see her? Only in the morning when I leave? Just say Good Bye instead?
Currently I call or email her to check in. Do I stop? She hasn't said to leave her alone or stop calling or has she non-verballly said so and I 'm realizing it.
I bought her flowers when she was sick. She thanked me for them. Was that not something I should do if the situation happens again?
Sorry I'm slow to pick up the reality of the situation but continue to hold out some hope that things might get better. Each of your posts are slowly sinking in with me even though I keep talking like it's going to get better.
Please parden my bluntness, but two things really stick out in your last post to me.
1) She has talked to but not yet hired a lawyer.
2) She makes about half the money you do.
People who are not serious about splitting up usually won't waste the time/money for a consultation. This shows me she is pretty serious but her finances are holding her back from "hiring" one.
Now, with her only making half the money. What else can you say? That explains why she hasn't left yet. She probably is hoping you will make that first move since she can't afford to. But like a previous poster said, the one who leaves tends to "give up" some rights. Depending on your state the law is different.
I think counselling is a great idea. You are getting a lot of mixed signals and I feel sorry for you. She is taking advantage at this point, I think. I mean, if she doesn't want to be with you then she should be an adult and deal with what that means (less money, etc.).
We had a great weekend. Friday night when shopping at the mall. Saturday spend the whole day together doing yard work. Yesterday had a party for my daughter (26 years old) and things seemed good. Today she appeared angry and when I asked she said it was because she wanted to talk about splitting up everything evenly since we got married. She talked some more and she is definitely ready to move on with her life.
I asked why did you tell me on that day she did and it was because she had found a place to live but now that place is gone.
I really want to save it if I can but it unfortunately is sounding like her mind is made up and I can't seem to do anything to change it. I was hoping that the way the beginning of the weekend went that things might be a tad better. Doesn't appear the first part of the weekend meant anything to her.
I decided to divorce my husband after several years of a non-marriage with no communication, affection, etc. I told my husband and he responded very nicely (much as you are doing). He told me I could stay in our home as long as I needed to. I had already rented an apartment and had my own savings account, so I stayed for about another week and then moved out. The fact that he was so nice about it and I didn't move out right away didn't affect my decision. I had my mind made up but thought we could handle it civilly, which I feel we did. We continued to do things as a family with our son for a couple more years, until one evening when he arrived at my apartment to pick up our son and the man I was dating at that time was there. After that he turned mean & nasty. But that's beside the point, what I'm trying to get across is that although we behaved civilly toward each other, I still carried on with my plans for divorce and the fact that we got along ok didn't change my mind. If your wife has her mind made up she won't change it just because you had a couple of pleasant days. It will have to be a change that she decides based on many other factors, but if she's determined, she will continue on. Good for you for being civil, but please understand that she may quite probably continue on with her divorce plans.
Your wife seems pretty hell bent on "splitting things evenly". What exactly does that mean to her? This is why you need to seek a lawyer asap. She is playing with your emotions (having a good weekend and then bam!) and it's unfair.
Continue to be nice to eachother because there is no need to get nasty just because you are divorcing. Just know that she can be very nice to you but still want to move on. It happens. Please do what you need to do for you!
So I started today with a family/individual counselor. Basically just a bring her up to speed type of meeting.
I did speak to an lawyer this week and her recommendation was to open my own checking and move my direct deposit from joint checking to mine. So that will start to happen the middle of next month. Basically I should change any access to accounts that I can so they can't be liquidated since we neither of us have filed court papers.
My wife told me that she went to see a place to live yesterday and is uncertain if she likes it enought. I asked her if she was still interested in keeping the house and she is. So I'm not certain what that means if she is searching for places to live yet wants the house? We still haven't sat down and discussed who gets what. My understanding so far is that she expects to split everything we purchased together as 50/50
At dinner last night I again said that I wanted to work to save our marriage and her response was that she thought it was great that I wanted to try and save it but that she was ready to move on.
Then last night we go for a walk and out of the blue she starts to talk about stuff going on at work. I just listened and agreed with her. Later she was mentioning a former male co-worker and I asked afterward if she was seeing anybody and she said NO. Each day she goes to work she wears her wedding ring and our house still looks exactly like it did before her announcement with our wedding and vacation pictures displayed.
Everybody agrees that she is sending mixed signals to me. I still am hopeful that she will change her mind and decide to work on it.
I've read some of the posts and some of your replies. Excuse me, but I am afraid you are being too humble. Please stop saying you love her and that you want to work on marriage issues etc. You may still love her and you may want to work on those issues - it is your right - but you don't need to "bother" her with such detail. You said it once, but it had no effect, so that was enough. Play with the same "weapons". Accept what she says as her final real intention (she sounds very precise) and act accordingly.
Since you both want to keep civility, I would suggest you go together to the same lawyer or court in order to resolve the differences. Choosing the same lawyer will help minimize the conflict and cost.
Look after yourself. That was a hard blow, I know. Accept that you may also have made mistakes, but be ready to move on. Life doesn't wait.
I don't think there is much to be confused about here, to be honest. It sounds like you have been married for many years. Leaving a marriage of long duration is bound to leave one with some ambivalence. Clearly she wants to leave on friendly terms with you. That is all it sounds like she is meaning by the sharing of her work experiences and doing yardwork with you, for example. On the issues of your relationship? She has never ever wavered, according to your reporting. There is nothing to be confused about. I am sorry to have to say that. But it is true. She has been very very clear on the basic issue of your marriage.