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fibro and divorce

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Old 07-14-2008, 06:05 AM   #1
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gorgee HB User
fibro and divorce

I know I have talked some about my life, but I have a couple of illnesses, including fibro, myofascial, and temporal tendonitis, and trigeminal neuralgia. I had a major flare up on Friday pm, woke up at 2am, in horrible pain, and then at 5am the pain was major, and stayed that way all day. Thank goodness my sister was here, and another cousin here to help me, I could not move all day. It was horrible and the pain did not end until I finally was exhausted Saturday night, and went to bed. Thank goodness yesterday the pain was there but it was not a 10.

Yesterday was hard, my husband has said I have broke him, he is done with me, and he is not talking to me. He came home last night, and did not speak to me, I would like to know what the next move is, if he is done with me, and going to divorce me, what can I He says he has enough information to go for full custody for the boys (he told my sister), and I am afraid, and I know he printed off everyone of my posts here (he took the laptop yesterday, and told me it was not my business where he was yesterday, from the healthboards he knows my medical issues, and medications. If he did not go on here, print out all of my posts, he would not know what was wrong with me, and what medications I have been prescribed. He calls me an addict, and tolf me I have a problem. If I was an addict, I probaly would not be in pain all day. I am not. He says he is going to use my information that I have written on here against me, but it is all the truth, I have written the truth, about my husband, my illnesses, my pain and battle with it all. I am scared. I do not know what to do today.

I do not know if all he is saying is just him talking, or if he is really meaning it. My husband is playing golf today, and has an tournament at 12noon.

I am scared, I told him he is leaving me, with medical issues, no money, no job (I have stayed at home for 5 years), I take care of the boys all the time, even when I am sick.

I know what I want to do, can anybody help me? I am appealing the disability decision, and I am praying that it will go through eventually.

He will not speak to me. I am on my own figuring out what to do next.

I am scared, has anybody gone through this? What about my posting, he has printed them off, they are the truth, I swear on my mothers grave. I cannot take the emotional, mental, verbal abuse anymore. I cannot be hurt anymore today.

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Old 07-14-2008, 06:53 AM   #2
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Re: fibro and divorce

morning kass,
you were not here when i went thru ending my 16 year relationship with a really scary man. i had to have him arrested, get a restraining order, sell the house, buy another, move. know what? it was so worth it!!! i am still riding high on feeling free. always will.
get your own attorney and you file first. i don't know how things are where you live but here where i live women, even sick women, get the kids, the child support and sometimes even alimony. oh, and the man usually gets stuck with the attnys fees for the woman. judges are for the kids protection. in my state that means being with the mom if at all possible and if not there has to be good cause. i mean really good cause.
waiting for a man to make up his mind is fruitless.

Old 07-14-2008, 08:09 AM   #3
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Re: fibro and divorce

I went through a divorce about 4 years ago, and I agree, you need to file first. That way you have the upper hand and he has to respond to your petitions.

also be honest with the lawyer you chose, that way he/she will be best prepared for any crap slinging that will come at you from his side.

Also I would get moving on appealing the disability decision asap as well.

While, yes women generally get custoday of thier children, not having a means of financial support will cause more details to be looked into by the judge. If you are able to show it is under appeal that will be more favorable to you.

Also emphasize that you have been the children's primary caregiver...all that stuff will also influence the judges decision, as well as show him that even though you are sick, you still manage to take care of the kids.

Good luck.

Old 07-14-2008, 08:45 AM   #4
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Smile Re: fibro and divorce

Kass. He is a weasel and a coward, Picking on someone so sick.
Maybe one day he will see the light. I prayed for my ex during and after my divorce for my kids sake. It was hard to forget some things but I am happly remarried for 10 years now. Blue is right, seek counsel. Do you have councel for your Disability case? If so, maybe they will refer you to someone.
who handles Divorce.
In my state it is equatable diistribution... so they say. Hidden assets was his forte. So the rest is you know..............
I was adamant about not getting married again but my kind caring friend, and hubby understand how this illness works and does what he can to
make me confortable. we are both sending huggs your way...good luck.
carolinagal and roamer8

Old 07-14-2008, 10:35 AM   #5
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Re: fibro and divorce

Kass, Change your password on here right away. Hide the damn laptop if you have too, stand up to him. Take your life back today, enough is enough ! Do some research and get yourself a good attorney today while he is at his golf game. Honestly he is playing on your emotions. Did you print the one he wrote on here? I sure hope so......

If you read my last post for you i asked you to get your girl power back, when i said i did want to say things to you, well this was one of them. It has sounded like he was done with you awhile ago and now it was obvious he has been building a case against you. But who am i to say something like that ?

One of the first things my husband said was it sounded like he may have someone on the side and he asked me if i could tell you but i said i couldnt for different reasons. He may not be and i dont want a ton of retaliation for saying it now but for your own sake keep your eyes open & protect yourself at all costs.

Please dont be mad at me, I am not trying to hurt you but i am worried about what he is really doing here and why ? Here's a question for you, Do you think his mother would lie for him ? Remember he took her to the baseball game ? and the other thing ? Dont forget he has probably turned her against you and you really dont know what he tells her. There are way too many red flags here.

Gosh im so scared for you, if he wont talk with you, ask him to go stay with his mother for now, and dont let him take the boys no matter what. You have the right to call the police and let them know whats going on. I would probably do that before things get out of hands, tell them what going on and your afraid he will take your boys. That when he comes home you would like him to get a few things and leave. Ask if you can have a policeman present bacause you are afraid he will take the children out of their home.

Let him know you need some space to think about what your going to do. And whatever you do, dont leave the house with your things and dont leave without your children. They will refer to that as abandoment. Kass, honey i know you love this man but nothing is going change the way he feels right now. Just think, he out laughing with his buddies, telling them, iv got her ! Time for you to get mad. A lot of us have been watching what you have been going thru. A lot of us have been thru bad divorces. You will survive it believe me. Ask your attorney if it would be better to have a legal seperation first ?

The cruelty this man puts you through over and over. It was him that drove you to your breaking point. He intimadates you and now its time to end it. Stress is one of the worse things for your condition and in time when a lot of this horribleness passes, i bet slowley but surely you will start to feel better and put your life back in order.

Dont yell and scream, dont cry, dont say anything but be calm and tell him you have thought it over and this is the way its going to be for now. Yes, just as simple as that but talk with an attorney first and ask about having the policeman present. I am not trying to tell you what to do, but i am trying to help because you asked for it.

You love your kids, then do something about it right now. Remember i sent my special angel to you, ask for her to guide and protect you and your children, who knows maybe your husband, will see the light if he's not around and maybe he wont, but that will show you its in your best interest.

Come on Kass be strong, do it for your boys, keep things calm for their sake and that alone will speak in volumes when they come to understand what was going on. I think i have said enough now. Please take care of yourself and please change your password, to something from long ago that your husband doesnt know about so he cant guess at it. Like something from high school. I will continue to pray for you. I'm sorry you are going thru this but its time to pull yourself together. Its now or never!

Lord please bless your daughter Kass and let her know she is not alone. Make her strong today and guide her to where she needs to be. Make her aware that when one door shuts another one opens. And keep my angel by her side as long as she needs........Amen

Old 07-14-2008, 04:17 PM   #6
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TexMom85 HB User
Re: fibro and divorce


If your husband has really printed off all of your posts and gives them to anyone, it will only prove how poor a husband he has been. You have well documented his indifference, cruelty, badgering, etc., and its impact on your health. This is not the model of a marriage, a husband or a father. I would bet he is bluffing. Even if he isn't, you should not worry--you don't need any more stress.

The advice here has been wise. I pray that you will stay calm and maintain your resolve. Life will be much better without him, trust me.

You are in the prayers of so many in God, He will carry you through this...


Old 07-14-2008, 07:35 PM   #7
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Re: fibro and divorce


I don't know you, but just wanted to add my spoort. It seems to me that your postings here are evidence of your coping with a grave illness, still managing to care for your kids, and indications that you're extemely responsible for yourself.

I am so sorry your husband is acting this way. Get that disability and that lawyer, and I will not say the words I have for this man. I think you're by far and away rid of him.

My heart goes out to you, truly.


Old 07-15-2008, 05:52 AM   #8
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Re: fibro and divorce

Another thing I just thought of that was important in my divorce and cusotdy hearings was that the custodial parent would help the kids maintain ties to the other parent, ie follows visitation schedules, allows phone calls to the other parent, allows for certain other visitation say if other family comes into town or there is a wedding.

Old 07-15-2008, 03:39 PM   #9
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Re: fibro and divorce

Kass, I do not have personal experience with this....but.....from everyone else I know that does, and it is mostly from the male point of view. GET A LAWYER NOW!!!!!!! Get a good divorce lawyer that will tell you the best thing to do for your state laws to protect yourself and your children. I'm just going to use plain language here so please don't be offended......but suck up your pain, you've had to do it before I am sure and you can do it again. This is for your children and your life, GET TOUGH....let him know you have had enough and if he wants to do this....then bring it on. Don't talk about your illness and your pain, be strong don't act like you are weak or hurting, stand up tall look him in the eye and tell him to bring it on. Don't be weak ever in front of him. Go in the bathroom by yourself and bend over in pain and cry, but show no fear when he is around. Take care of your boys and yourself and let your attorney do all the digging and checking on any of his hidden assets and what is necessary for your survival.

Just telling you this cause like I said I know this from the male point of view. My old boss whose wife got tired of all his fooling around and one day he came home and the locks were changed on the house and her attorney had started the paperwork. He had hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank and in investments etc. He didn't want to split any of it with her because as he said she makes good money...36,000 a year. He made over 100,000 a year and they had been married for over 30yrs. with two daughters who by this time were grown and away from the house. She ended up with the house and with her share of the assests. Like I said she got an attorney, got the right advice and did what was necessary to protect what she had earned through 30 years of his crap.

Good luck kass, let us know how you are doing, and I don't care if he reads what I wrote.


Old 07-15-2008, 05:07 PM   #10
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Re: fibro and divorce

Just the fact that we have not seen you back on here is not a good sign....I remember when you said he was punishing you by taking the laptop away, i surely hope that is not the case this time.

We are really the only ones you have that knows what you feel from the fibromyalgia. A drug addict ? I dont think so, most of us cant move in the mornings. I always have a bottle of water on my night stand and if i awake feeling like a mac truck hit me i have the option of taking my medication right away, where as you have small children and you dont always have that option.

But as a mother, its remarkable what we can do when it comes to our children. Yesterday i woke up feeling like crap, when i walked out into the kitchen there stood my daughter, holding her stomach area and telling me. Mom i have a really bad period can you go to the store and get me some things i need ? I said, just let me get dressed Erika, give me a min. hon ! And thats about what it took to throw some clothes on and get her what she needed for the cramps she was experiencing. And she has her own vehicle ! No matter what, does'nt our children always come first ? Absolutely !!!

Amost everyone of us has to take some kind of medication or we have a hard time functioning properly. Just remember, its not our fault and we didnt ask for this, but just like a diabetic who has to have their medication, so do we......Im asking my special angel to hold on to your hand Kass and put her arms around your boys and hold on tight but if we dont hear from you soon, it will make me wonder what really is happening to you..... You know you are in my prayers, if you have forgiven your husband for whatever may be going on, thats your bussiness and we would not shun you but we would like to know that your ok and if not then we will still be here to catch you when you fall.........

Old 07-21-2008, 06:58 AM   #11
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Re: fibro and divorce

Thank you all for your help and advice. I am back home now, I came home on Saturday. The boys and I left on Monday because I was not safe, I could not be by myself, and do this anymore. Over time, little things, words like" she lost 50 lbs, and she looks so hot," or "look in the mirror, do you like what you see, or this is what I see everyday." Also the largest thing was about the boys, and me being called an addict, and that I was not a good mother, I had started to think maybe I was not a good mom. I decided that I had heard, " I am done with you," and "You have broken me" and "I love you, but I am not in love with you," too many times. The largest issue my husband has is that I talk. It is normal to talk, right? Especially to talk to other women? Women talk about what is new, their children, their marriage, their life, and my husband does not like it, and especially anything about what is going on with us. He just would tell me, "People do not care, they do not want to know about you, your health, or what is going on, nobody cares." I started believing, and actually started to think he is right, not one cares, no one wants to know. This spring, winter, and now summer I feel I have lost control of my marriage, my husband leaves me behind, and I started to think it was because I have become ugly, gained some weight, not taking me to grand openings, games, races, functions, out to dinner or with other people etc. I was just getting more sick, kept going down more notches.

I am ok, now. The hardest part was my heart was broken, my heart was really broken I have started having panic attacks,my pulse goes up to 160, I still love my husband, despite being hurt so much, and he wanted to see the children, but he would not come down to my family, an hour away, to see them. He wanted me to bring the boys to him, so he could see them for 2 hours. When I did come back on Saturday, he took the boys out for bit, and brought them back less than 2 hours later. It was that simple. I wanted him to see the boys so badly all week, my heart hurt, I was hysterical, and still sick, from Monday till Thursday. On Friday, I was sick, a flareup, in bed and could not move. I was sick. My dad finally saw it, he saw me in bed, with my left eye covered, and a heating blanket on high, when it is 90 degrees out. My husband eventually called my dad, and my dad told him I was sick, very sick, he has hurt me emotionally, mentally, (he has never hurt me physically), and my husband brought up my medications, my father said she is sick, and needs meds, needs to get better, nothing more. I have never been more happy or proud of my dad. He came in to my bedroom, and sat on the bed with me, he got to see how much pain I was in, and how I could not move.

I left because I needed a break, someone to take care of me. My husband went golfing anyway on Monday, he never came down to where I grew up ( I was at my sisters), and my family (family who have been out of my life for some time and they got involved and tried to take over and protect me). The boys were having so much fun, being taken care of, playing with their cousins, my youngest went swimming many times, and they played in the woods finding what they dreamed up as snake eggs, dinosaur eggs, and more. They were chewed alive by the mosquitos and black flies, but they had so much fun. In the back of my mind and heart, I wanted the boys to see their dad, he was hurting. I have never wanted a divorce, but if my life was going to be better, healthier, and not hurting everyday (emotionally) I already hurt physically.

My illnesses are not going to go away, I can learn how to handle them better, avoid triggers, and manage them with my doctors and medications, but I need to be me. I have lost myself. My nails are painted right now, and I know this is simple, but I cannot tell anybody how good this feels. I have to take care of myself, and feel good. I might be a little heavier, but I can still feel good and look good. I am pulling myself up, and getting back to who I am. I needed a break.

I have asked for somethings to change. I have asked for everybody to leave us alone. His family and friends need to come second, I need to come first. His mother, sister, and friends, told him to divorce me, I am going to ruin him, he will be better. My family never said that. They invited him down.

I am home with my family. My husband, myself and the boys. I thought that was it, we were done, My husband says so many things, he now calls it ugly talk, marriage ugly talk, he told my sister that what he said was nothing. They were something, they devastated me, and knocked my down one more notched. When do you take something seriously? When your husband says things, about your marriage, when do you start listening, being hurt, and take the next step? He has agreed to marriage counseling, agreed family, friends come after me. I would be happy to leave everything, and live in a cabin in the woods, family hours away, 4 hours away. I am going to start planning xmas, away. I have to get away from toxic people. My husband talks but does not believe in divorce, he does not want the boys to come from a broken home, and is willing to do anything to fix it. I hope so. The other day, I had a panic attack, the second one I have had in my life, one on Thursday night, one Saturday, he CAME home to be with ME, check on me, he said, "if you call me back, it will be too late, you need me now." I could not believe it. It might not be anything. I am going to find a good counselor, marriage counselor.

Thank you for helping me, answering me, and more.

All my thoughts and prayers,


Old 07-21-2008, 07:27 AM   #12
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Re: fibro and divorce

Take care, Kass. I hope, that as you two work through the illness, you will agree to you and the boys having a monthly get away to your family and your roots. I'm guessing the break from the marital stress (even when two people are trying very hard and love each other very much, there will be stress and your (our) illness does not take that stress kindly) will help break flares and reduce some of the symptoms. It will be hard for hub to let you and the boys go, but I hope y'all will make a commitment now (while things have settled down) to that break. I think it could make all the difference in the world. P.S. Yea Dad!!!!!

Last edited by baserockermom; 07-21-2008 at 07:51 AM.

Old 07-21-2008, 11:16 AM   #13
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Re: fibro and divorce

Gosh Kass, i am so proud of you. I'm happy for you and im so glad your Dad seen you like that, and i do not mean that in a mean way.

Man to man, your Dad probably said something to your husband to make the brick finally fall on his head. I thought something happened to you and was praying really hard for you all week. Guess what ? Something did happen and it was a good thing. Well not at first but it turned around for you finally ! I hope it stays that way.........I admire anyone who is willing to work out their marriage, or try too, people are too quick in getting divorced.

I have never named my Angel, as a matter of fact, i have never named an Angel before in my life but i have decided to call her Kassandra ! From the Greek Κασσανδρα (Kassandra), which possibly meant "shining upon man",

I wish you the best of luck with. Im sure you realize you still have a long road ahead of also have a lot of friends on this board who obviously have been concerned about you.

And one more thing only as a concerned woman, please dont let your guard down to easily until you both get some things settled in your minds. Take care and if there is something i can do, just let me know

Old 07-21-2008, 01:44 PM   #14
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Re: fibro and divorce

Kass - I haven't been on here for a while but had to chime in when I saw the Title to the thread and then lo and behold, there was my Kass pouring her heart out... I have missed everyone on the boards dearly but it was not the time for me to be here but now I feel I need to be here for you my sweet little angel who loves her boys so very much and was allowing herself to be last on the pecking order of life....

Okay, just a heads up, I have major fibro fog today so if the spelling is off, please forgive me as I was just talking to my son that just came in from work and he knows when I have the fog that we play fill in the blanks

First of all, I forget it posted and said that if your husband printed off all of your threads, I think it is a wonderful idea if he thinks it is going to work to his benefit... IT WON'T... I will bet he only printed the one's that show when he wasn't being a jerk... But you my love, can print all of them out... Two can play that game... If you print them all out, it will show how you were mentally and verbally abused by him including how he took the laptop away from you and even got on here.... Regardless of going to the marriage counselor, print everything out and put it in a safe place....

I am so very proud of you for going to see your family with the boys without him... and seeing how much fun that your boys experienced and the imagination that their eyes were opened up to that I am sure was much different than they were use to... I am not saying that they do not have a good time with you at home but it was something that they had not experienced... I am sorry that you were in pain but in a way it turned out to be a good thing in a way don't you think???

Now, no matter what your husband says, keep making those trips as it was good for the boys and it was good for you also... Your husband continues to do all of his fun stuff so this is what you and the boys will do for your fun stuff....

Now, as far as the marriage counselor... why do you think your husband all of a sudden decided that he wants to do this after all this time and after all the abuse he has put you through??? You think maybe he has done something that maybe he is afraid he might get caught on??? KASS, do not let your guard down and I am not trying to be mean but he could be suggesting this just so you will let your guard down.... Then when you get to the session, he may just throw you under the bus and make you feel even worse... Once you two go, please do not sugar coat anything... I know that you always say how much you love your husband... But don't go in there and take the blame for all the problems because you have an illness that you have no control over... I wan't you to be strong enough to tell that counselor everything that you tell us the things that he says to you to belittle you and how he goes on his trips but won't take you.... Talk about how he talks about your physcial appearance.... Go through these threads and write notes down if you have to about things that have happened that you can bring up.... Do Not be afraid to talk about them because you are afraid of what he might say when you all get in the car or once you get home... If you don't talk the truth during the session then it is not worth going....Please do this first and foremost for yourself and then for your children... Do not make him look like some saint that has stayed with you even though you are sick...

Make him accountable for the things he has said and the things that he has put you through.... We will all be there with you in spirit so keep you head held high and speak the truth...

When are you going back to visit your family? Don't worry about what he says, he continues to do his "stuff" so make plans and let us know....

We are all here for you and always will be.... let us know... Jenn

Old 07-21-2008, 05:05 PM   #15
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Re: fibro and divorce

Here's another good thing that has come out of this, we all got to see one another again on the board. It was nice to see everyone , as summer time tends to be busy and i have not seen the old group for awhile now. So hi everyone, Hope all is still exercising even if a little bit. I miss you all but i thank Kass for bringing us back together again. I'm sure you will all be back soon enough

Well all except for blue, she is the mother of the fibromyalgia board, very dedicated and devoted. She always so willing to share her story but its a great one and one i will never tire of, it should always give someone hope.

And our faithful Glojer,

I will continue to pray for each and everyone of you, I will continue to pray for a cure or that we will not be hurting so bad, that includes all the newbies.

Remember dont ever let life pass you by because when its over, there is no do~over ! Relax, exercise, eat right and try to keep the stress down as much as possible. You know what i do, sit with Bluelakelady, she loves the company and is enjoying her other family at the moment but she always has her door open on her peaceful mountain and beautiful lake

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