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Old 09-15-2008, 06:45 AM   #1
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Marrying a divorced woman?

I could marry a lovely woman whose marriage ended a few years ago. She is 31 and I'm 32. I have never had a relationship or sex with women. Fortunately, she doesn't have children. Yet, I'm in doubt. I wonder whether it's wise to marry someone who probably had a bad marriage, the baggage and all that.

I should also mention that she wasn't the one who chose to divorce, it was the guy. If we eventually married, how could we get to know each other without talking about our past? This seems impossible to me.

Can we just pretend that the past doesn't exist? I wish I could get sound advice from people who have experienced such issues before. How they managed to create a fullfilling relationship, and what problems and challenges they had to deal with. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 07:11 AM   #2
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

Are you kidding me or what? Please. She could be the kindest person in the world. Baggage? Even if someone has never been married they can come with baggage.

Rethink it.

 
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Old 09-15-2008, 07:13 AM   #3
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

My advice to anyone contemplating marriage is to date for at least 2 years to get to know if you are compatible. MINIMUM 2 YEARS!!!!!! I REPEAT...MINIMUM OF TWO YEARS!!!!!

 
Old 09-15-2008, 07:55 AM   #4
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeaTrade View Post
My advice to anyone contemplating marriage is to date for at least 2 years to get to know if you are compatible. MINIMUM 2 YEARS!!!!!! I REPEAT...MINIMUM OF TWO YEARS!!!!!
I can't, I'm religious. But I know she is a very kind person. I have known her since childhood (I still don't know her that well though), since her parents and my parents have known each other for decades. She probably wants a "nice guy", like me, now that her jerk husband left her. But I would like some advice from people who have experienced this before.

Last edited by Argamemnon; 09-15-2008 at 07:58 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 08:05 AM   #5
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

What does being religious have to do with not rushing into marriage without taking the time to get know know someone? You do not have to consumate the relationship, simply get to know each other.

Like dma11663 said, anyone can have baggage, actually I believe we all have baggage of some sort. Being divorced should not put you off, if you take the time to get know each other then you will be able to determine whether or not you are compatible.

As far as not talking about the past or pretending it doesn't exist is a very immature and foolish way to go about things. Of course you need to talk about your pasts, at least to some extent. Especially if you are considering marriage. How else would you ever truly know each other? Plus it is our past that helps define who we are now. Our past experiences and lessons learned shape our current selves.

My advice is to open and honest with each other. Talk to her, get to know her. Then take your relationship one step at a time. Don't worry about marriage until you two are in a solid, loving relationship and the time is right and you are both ready to make that commitment.
Good luck.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 08:10 AM   #6
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

I could wait a year at most. I can't wait much longer, I have NEVER experienced love and intimacy with the opposite sex, even though I'm good looking. I have always lacked self-esteem and confidence and was painfully shy. At age 32 the regrets are unbearable, I feel I have to take action soon.

Last edited by Argamemnon; 09-15-2008 at 08:11 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 08:45 AM   #7
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

I don't for the life of have a clue what being religious has to do with not rushing into a bad marriage because you marry someone that you don't know. IMHO marrying someone too quickly is the reason why 50% of all marriages end a divorce and from what I understand, divorce isn't looked too highly upon by the religious sorts!

 
Old 09-15-2008, 09:11 AM   #8
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Argamemnon View Post
I could wait a year at most. I can't wait much longer, I have NEVER experienced love and intimacy with the opposite sex, even though I'm good looking. I have always lacked self-esteem and confidence and was painfully shy. At age 32 the regrets are unbearable, I feel I have to take action soon.
Desperation is probably the very WORST reason in the world to marry someone. But just to clarify, you say you're religious, so this point is probably moot, but you make a point of saying you've never had sex, never had a relationship, never been intimate "with the opposite sex' I'm assuming not with the same sex, either?

To answer your other question, no, I don't think it's possible to know someone well enough to marry them without learning about and talking about their past. You don't have to know every minute detail, but knowing the basic outline of why her marriage broke up and how she handled it will give you great insight into what kind of person she is. I dated someone whose only other serious relationship before me ended six years prior to us meeting. I was clear thatby the way he talked about her and what happened, that he was not over her and was not emotionally available, at least not to me. If I had known then what I know now, I would have turned tail and ran then and there.

I too don't understand what religion has to do with it, either. I too consider myself very religious, but I would never EVER even consider marrying a man that I didn't know well. You say she "probably" wants a nice guy. If you don't even know what kind of man she's looking for, what her loves and passions, hates, faults, talents, political leanings, world view, values and life philosophies, you should NOT be thinking about marrying her. Just because she's divorced doesn't mean she has baggage. It could be she's very stable and well adjusted and had dealt with it. there are many single women never married but have been burned by boyfriends or whatever that may come with more baggage than this girl. The only way to know is to GET TO KNOW her. Talk to her. "Date her" doesn't necessarily mean start having sex with her. Just take her to movies, dinner, walks in the park, tell her jokes, listen to her jokes, and TALK to her, get to know who she is, what she's all about, how she deals with life, etc.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 09:22 AM   #9
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
but you make a point of saying you've never had sex, never had a relationship, never been intimate "with the opposite sex' I'm assuming not with the same sex, either?
Well, I'm not gay. I wonder why people assume you are gay, if you have never had a relationship with women.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 09:49 AM   #10
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

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Originally Posted by Argamemnon View Post
Well, I'm not gay. I wonder why people assume you are gay, if you have never had a relationship with women.

Oh, no please don't misunderstand me. Like I said, it's not that you've never had a relationship. It's just how you worded it, like you went out of your way to say "of the opposite sex." But also like I said, it's a moot point anyway, I just wanted to clarify so I'll know where you're coming from in order to give the best advice I can. Believe me, I know. I was almost 31 when I had my first relationship, it ended 10 years ago and I haven't had another one since, and I most certainly am not gay either.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 10:22 AM   #11
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

So it seems you have some 'baggage' yourself then?

 
Old 09-15-2008, 10:22 AM   #12
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Oh, no please don't misunderstand me. Like I said, it's not that you've never had a relationship. It's just how you worded it, like you went out of your way to say "of the opposite sex." But also like I said, it's a moot point anyway, I just wanted to clarify so I'll know where you're coming from in order to give the best advice I can. Believe me, I know. I was almost 31 when I had my first relationship, it ended 10 years ago and I haven't had another one since, and I most certainly am not gay either.
I understand, no problem. I should also mention that if I don't take this opportunity, I will most likely spend the rest of my life alone. I think it's better to experience love and intimacy even if it ended in divorce, then never ever experiencing it. I already feel depressed that I have wasted my youth.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 10:23 AM   #13
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeaTrade View Post
My advice to anyone contemplating marriage is to date for at least 2 years to get to know if you are compatible. MINIMUM 2 YEARS!!!!!! I REPEAT...MINIMUM OF TWO YEARS!!!!!
I tend to agree with this, but at the same time I don't think that dating alone is a fool-proof guarantee against an unfortunate marriage. Of course it's much safer to date for a rather long time than to do it for a short period, but sometimes people change and surprise you after you settle down with them. Ideally, people should live together for a period of time before they go on to sign the papers. However, this situation may be in disagreement with people's religious beliefs and may in certain cases be legally equal to a marriage, thus entitling partners to certain rights, in case of a separation. In marriage in particular and in life in general there's always a degree of imprecision, impredicability and luck. Luck, deny it as we may, is very very important.

Talking about the past may be important, but in my opinion not strictly necessary. You may ask questions, but never demand an answer. Whatever you do, the past will keep surfacing when you least expect it, so it may be better to wait for the right moment to talk about it. And this is also very important: you should not use the past as the only criterium to judge a person, for there are various ways of interpreting it. And also, because people change and may have different reactions if the very same things would happen again.

Don't worry too much about baggages. All of us carry their own baggage, and baggage often reads as experiences and at worst wisdom.

Has it occurred to you that she may be in doubt about you as well, for you seem to have so little experience?

Last edited by pendulum; 09-15-2008 at 10:29 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 10:29 AM   #14
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

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So it seems you have some 'baggage' yourself then?
Yes.. frankly I would prefer to marry another virgin, that would be ideal. But at my age that's nearly impossible. I just have to accept the fact that I've wasted my youth, and that I can't be picky. I have to mention that I'm attracted to her physically and I like her personality, which is far more important.

Last edited by Argamemnon; 09-15-2008 at 10:37 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2008, 10:35 AM   #15
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Re: Marrying a divorced woman?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Has it occurred to you that she may be in doubt about you as well, for you seem to have so little experience?
Yes, but on the other hand, I strongly feel that she views my inexperience as something positive. She is looking for a 'nice guy', like me, who won't leave her like her previous jerk husband. I also feel bad because of this.

Last edited by Argamemnon; 09-15-2008 at 10:39 AM.

 
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