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Old 07-10-2009, 03:25 PM   #1
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Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

I have been married 8 years but have known my husband for 10 years altogether. Even though we had some arguments over the years and some problems, overall I thought our marriage was good until my husband sprung upon me that he thinks our marriage is going nowhere and he wants to end it and have a divorce. This was 10 days ago. His reasons were that he feels in 8 years we have not achieved anything in the marriage, that we did not own our own house, that we did not have a baby together and that we failed to save any money together. He said it was not worth trying to save the marriage anymore because he feels we are going nowhere and going around in circles. I told him money is not everything and that some married couples take years of hard working to accomplish the things they want but he had already made his mind up to end it. We were trying for a baby for over 5 years without any luck and I suffer from Pelvic Inflammatory Disease caused by a contraception device a coil not being fitted properly by a doctor years ago, this has left me with problems eversince. I have had loads of tests done to see if I can get pregnant and even though I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, the doctors at the hospital found no reason for me not to get pregnant and said I could have babies in the future. I was also told another option would be IVF if I wanted to have that done but my husband said we could not afford it. My husband insists we havent got anywhere but 2 months ago he took out a loan for 15000 for a new car without thinking twice, also he has spent freely all throughout our marriage on computers, cars, eating out and whatever he wants but when it comes to having a baby and house he could never afford it or never put that much effort in to it. I was desparate to have a baby, I started getting depressed and suffered from anxiety and even though I could see obstacles in the marriage I tried not to lose hope, kept my faith and kept trying. I gave all I could into this marriage, the more I put in to it the more was taken from me. I feel depressed, angry, used, unloved and shocked. I dont want divorce but he is determined to have one, please help x

 
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Old 07-10-2009, 05:58 PM   #2
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

I am sorry you are going through this. Of course you have all the rights in the world to feel the way you feel. But as your friends and relatives must have already told you, there is no way out of this situation, save through the divorce. Apparently, this man doesn't love you anymore, if ever he did. I know I may sound quite blunt to say so, but it's better for your own health and sanity to give him his freedom back and then learn to enjoy your own freedom again and the opportunity to rebuild your life while you are still young. In the meantime, talk to a lawyer and try to avoid a litigious divorce.
It is also important not to turn into a bitter person for this bad experience. Try to find some solace in your friends, in nature, in the arts, in literature, in music, etc.

 
Old 07-11-2009, 01:05 PM   #3
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

Good news and bad news:

Bad news first, but the good news is both realistic and uplifting, which is why I put it after the bad news:

Bad news: Don't give up on your marriage yet. I'm not sure how deep his own personal problems are. Just know this, you did nothing wrong. I can't emphasize this enough. You did nothing- absolutely nothing- wrong. Remember this everytime you have doubts. You put everything into this marriage, as you said, and that's a human being can do. If he can't appreciate it, then he doesn't deserve a woman as kind or as devoted as you are. He's the one who's losing much more.

As a guy, I would k-i-l-l to find a woman who is as devoted as you. And I know many many many guys who feel the e-x-a-c-t same way.

The bad news: If, after still trying to save the marriage, he still forces a divorce, then there's nothing one can do.

The good news: The following news is very good, because not only is it uplifting, but also realistic and not naive.

You will be happy again. You will find a great man. There are a lot of good, decent men out there who would, like me, l-o-v-e to have a devoted woman like you. You may want to take some time to heal from this, but as a guy, I would like to tell you:
don't ever give up on finding the man who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

I am praying that your marriage does work out there. He needs to grow up and you need to remind him of exactly what he is losing: A rare jewel of a person that most single men out there would die to have.



Because you deserve it and you are special, regardless of how ungrateful this boob-of-a-husband is. You deserve the best, but especially because you put in 110% in your marriage.

Last edited by kevpark; 07-11-2009 at 01:07 PM.

 
Old 07-11-2009, 01:10 PM   #4
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

I'm sorry you find yourself going through this, but if he's determined to get a divorce, you can't really stop him. And anyway, why would you want to? Who wants to be married to a man who does not love her and doesn't want to be with her?

Get yourself a good dissolution attorney now and protect your rights. You can bet that's exactly what he's doing. If you don't want to wind up with nothing at all, get good representation.

I know it hurts, like no other hurt. This is just a rough patch you have to go through. Once you do, life will get better. Whether you meet someone else or not, you still have you, so hold your head up and take care of you.

 
Old 07-12-2009, 05:06 AM   #5
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

Maybe, maybe, if you finally agree withy the divorce, he will change his mind and starts to look at you in a different way. This happens: when you refuse to give someone something they are asking for, they will keep fighting for it. When you open up and give it up, they may change their minds. I am not saying that his changing his mind would be good for you. I am just saying his changing his mind is a possibility, if you see what I mean.

Excuse me for my poor English.

 
Old 07-12-2009, 06:51 AM   #6
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

Another point: I don't mean to put all the blame on you, but you may have focused too much on the baby rather on your husband and the relationship. This may have made him feel inadequate.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 11:56 AM   #7
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

I'm not sure if my advice is any good but I can give you insight into my situation. I too have been married 8 years and got the "out of the blue" announcement that he wants a divorce. Over little stuff. You would not believe how trivial it is. But I have tried everything. Marriage counseling, begging, promising to change. We are talking about little things like my not putting my shoes in the shoe rack at night and keeping them by the bed. I just do that so when I get up I don't have to go stumbling around in the dark with no shoes. Anyway after begging and begging he said no there is nothing you can do it is over. So yesterday I started throwing stuff of mine away - things I don't want. If I have to leave I don't want to take things with me that have the ability to upset me. He actually told me that I should be trying to get him back and stop throwing things away. I said well you said there was no chance and he said there's not but at least you could try. How do you deal with that logic. So I hope everything works out ok for you. Is 8 years the magic number when men go insane?!

 
Old 04-03-2011, 01:00 PM   #8
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gwentlady1 View Post
I have been married 8 years but have known my husband for 10 years altogether. Even though we had some arguments over the years and some problems, overall I thought our marriage was good until my husband sprung upon me that he thinks our marriage is going nowhere and he wants to end it and have a divorce. This was 10 days ago. His reasons were that he feels in 8 years we have not achieved anything in the marriage, that we did not own our own house, that we did not have a baby together and that we failed to save any money together. He said it was not worth trying to save the marriage anymore because he feels we are going nowhere and going around in circles. I told him money is not everything and that some married couples take years of hard working to accomplish the things they want but he had already made his mind up to end it. We were trying for a baby for over 5 years without any luck and I suffer from Pelvic Inflammatory Disease caused by a contraception device a coil not being fitted properly by a doctor years ago, this has left me with problems eversince. I have had loads of tests done to see if I can get pregnant and even though I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, the doctors at the hospital found no reason for me not to get pregnant and said I could have babies in the future. I was also told another option would be IVF if I wanted to have that done but my husband said we could not afford it. My husband insists we havent got anywhere but 2 months ago he took out a loan for 15000 for a new car without thinking twice, also he has spent freely all throughout our marriage on computers, cars, eating out and whatever he wants but when it comes to having a baby and house he could never afford it or never put that much effort in to it. I was desparate to have a baby, I started getting depressed and suffered from anxiety and even though I could see obstacles in the marriage I tried not to lose hope, kept my faith and kept trying. I gave all I could into this marriage, the more I put in to it the more was taken from me. I feel depressed, angry, used, unloved and shocked. I dont want divorce but he is determined to have one, please help x

You can't save your marriage if he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
But you can make him pay for his cruelty.
Get a damn good lawyer.
Get enough money out of him that you can have that house- and that IVF baby- all by yourself.
Then write him a note: "You know, you were absolutely right; our marriage was going nowhere. Thanks a million! "

 
Old 04-11-2011, 04:34 PM   #9
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gwentlady1 View Post
I have been married 8 years but have known my husband for 10 years altogether. Even though we had some arguments over the years and some problems, overall I thought our marriage was good until my husband sprung upon me that he thinks our marriage is going nowhere and he wants to end it and have a divorce. This was 10 days ago. His reasons were that he feels in 8 years we have not achieved anything in the marriage, that we did not own our own house, that we did not have a baby together and that we failed to save any money together. He said it was not worth trying to save the marriage anymore because he feels we are going nowhere and going around in circles. I told him money is not everything and that some married couples take years of hard working to accomplish the things they want but he had already made his mind up to end it. We were trying for a baby for over 5 years without any luck and I suffer from Pelvic Inflammatory Disease caused by a contraception device a coil not being fitted properly by a doctor years ago, this has left me with problems eversince. I have had loads of tests done to see if I can get pregnant and even though I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, the doctors at the hospital found no reason for me not to get pregnant and said I could have babies in the future. I was also told another option would be IVF if I wanted to have that done but my husband said we could not afford it. My husband insists we havent got anywhere but 2 months ago he took out a loan for 15000 for a new car without thinking twice, also he has spent freely all throughout our marriage on computers, cars, eating out and whatever he wants but when it comes to having a baby and house he could never afford it or never put that much effort in to it. I was desparate to have a baby, I started getting depressed and suffered from anxiety and even though I could see obstacles in the marriage I tried not to lose hope, kept my faith and kept trying. I gave all I could into this marriage, the more I put in to it the more was taken from me. I feel depressed, angry, used, unloved and shocked. I dont want divorce but he is determined to have one, please help x

 
Old 04-11-2011, 04:37 PM   #10
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

Some people are incapable of true eternal love. They should not marry. It sounds like you desearve better. love yourself tell him if he had any respect or love and genuinely meant his wedding vows then he should go to councelling. Sending love thoughts out to you and all others in this situation.

Love yourself

 
Old 04-18-2011, 01:00 PM   #11
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

Sweetie, if he doesn't want you anymore, then he's doing you a favor. Somewhere out there is a man that wants you for who and what you are. Don't try and prolong whats going to happen sooner or later.

 
Old 04-18-2011, 01:37 PM   #12
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

I know you all are right - I know it logically but my heart is having a terrible time with this. It was so "out of the blue" for me since he was always saying "I love you" and we were planning our future or so I thought. Now he says he never loved me. How does a person accept this? I'm in counseling and it helps but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't hurting so badly emotionally. And it is taking its toll on me mentally. I'm at home today - I have pneumonia. My immune system is not great so I'm sure this stress has probably brought this on. And except when I am at work I cry all the time. I'm trying to be strong but let me tell you it is not working. I do have good days but sooner or later it all hits me and I start up again. Anyway I do want to thank everyone for listening and giving what I know is good advice.

 
Old 04-18-2011, 06:58 PM   #13
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

oops sorry. This was not my post. I guess I got caught up in it because we are both going through this at the 8 year point. Then I just realized I am thanking everyone for their help and it isn't even my post. Sorry about that. My mind is pretty messed up lately.

 
Old 04-20-2011, 02:54 PM   #14
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Re: Husband wants divorce after 8 years.

Hi guentlady1, I just read your message posted a couple of years ago & was wondering what the outcome was. I hope all worked out to your favor. Unfortunately I feel like you're better off without him. Well either way, hope you're in a good frame of mind and stronger.

 
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