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Old 09-02-2009, 10:16 AM   #1
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Separate or divorce. Have kids. Not sure what to do..

Here's my story:

Married 7 years, father of two kids age 5 & 6. Have had an on/off rocky relationship over the years. This year have had a couple of major fights with the latest being a week ago in which my wife told me she hated me, my attitude towards her and how she feels alone in the relationship. She threatened divorce without a moment's hesitation. Thing is I haven't done anything wrong but somewhere along the line we both lost respect for each other (she belittles me a lot when we are out with friends which is very embarrassing). I also find I cannot talk to her much because during a conversation she always finds a chance to roll her eyes and pretty much disagree with what I say, which is kinda funny considering she accuses me of disagreeing with everything she says too! She is also a very bossy, controlling woman. I can't even go take the movies back without her calling 10 mins later checking up on me to see where I am. I never go out with my own friends because of this. About 6 months ago we had a security issue at our house and even though we put the alarm on every night and I've installed extra locks on the windows she insists on sleeping with the kids in the bed. I have slept in the guest bed every night since, which is fine with me because I do snore and typically get a punch in the ribs at some point in the night. This is the only way I get any decent sleep. To be honest I have lost all interest in her and enjoy it much more when she is not around. She goes to bed early (around 8pm) and I go to bed really late; we have our own routines. In our last fight she called me selfish (I'm the least selfish person in the world) and made a bunch of stuff up when I asked for examples, stuff that were outright lies. I would have left years ago if it weren't for the kids with whom I'm extremely close, we're best friends and I do everything with them. That's what scares me the most, how they would cope without me there or watching them grow up with another father figure in the house. My wife's parents separated when she was young and she holds a lot of resentment for her real dad, avoiding his every attempt to communicate with her, he is totally cut off. I'm afraid she'll do the same to me. I have no friends that have gone through anything similar. My brother had suggested I just move out and find a house close by so the kids don't feel they are a million miles away from me. I'm afraid my wife will see this as abandoning both her and the kids. There is no telling what she will do, although I would hope for an amicable arrangement. But you never know..

Not quite sure what to do... thanks for listening.

 
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:44 AM   #2
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Re: Separate or divorce. Have kids. Not sure what to do..

My first reaction is about the 5 and 6 year old sleeping with her in bed, that is not good. It is very unhealthy for children to sleep in the parents bed. That has got to stop. However you two want to sleep, that is another subject, but get the kids out of your bed!

I will give the rest of it to our other relationship health board members, they will surely give you a lot to think about...I wish you and your family the best...

 
Old 09-02-2009, 12:24 PM   #3
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Re: Separate or divorce. Have kids. Not sure what to do..

I agree, that's what pushed us apart to begin with. The kids have been in and out of their bed since they were born, as much as I was against it to begin with. I slept on the couch for a long time (at least a year) during the first year of my first child. After awhile you just kinda get on with your own thing (watching TV/movies by yourself etc.). At one point I was working all day to come home and find everyone else had already ate except me and there was no food for me and had to make or get my own. My wife doesn't work and my kids are in school 9-3pm, I mean can't even defrost some chicken or something! :0

 
Old 09-02-2009, 12:32 PM   #4
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Re: Separate or divorce. Have kids. Not sure what to do..

Just like you, I have two kids, a girl and a boy. They are somewhat older than yours, but nevertheless still kids. If I had to leave the house, I would be much pain to be far away from them, especially from the boy. We do a lot of things together. On the other hand, the girl is rather independent from me. However, if my marriage were so hopeless as yours seem to be, I don't think I would hesitate that much. The problem is you should not assume that all the power is in her hands and that she will have the final word only because she is a mother. Of course, you should strive to have an amicable arrangement, but it's too early for you to feel defeated.

 
Old 09-02-2009, 12:41 PM   #5
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Re: Separate or divorce. Have kids. Not sure what to do..

I recommend you don't move out until some kind of temporary custody/visitation order is in place. If you leave, it can be viewed legally as abandonment. I've known men who moved out and it took them 4-5 months to get visitation set up. Go see an attorney on your own, explain the situation, and have him/her get to work on a temporary order. Then, move out.

As far as how this will affect the kids, are you and your wife self-disciplined enough that you NEVER fight in front of the kids? Kids are much more perceptive than adults ever give them credit for...trust me, they know something's wrong. And while it's a knee-jerk reaction for the kids to want their parents to stay together, trust me, it's much better to live in a home that's not a war zone. I am the child of divorced parents, and when my mom finally filed papers, my brother and I asked "what took you so long? You should have divorced him years ago!" My mom was shocked because she was staying "for the kids" and inadvertently was making us miserable because we had to live in that miserably unhappy home. I am also divorced and my son now has 2 quiet, peaceful, secure homes instead of one home where Dad and Mom never spoke to one another and obviously couldn't stand one another. He's fine, by the way...he's 18 and was awarded an academic scholarship to a very well-regarded university, and was an honor roll student all through grade, middle and high school, he's a nice, loving young man and is emotionally well-adjusted. He's secure because his parents both loved him even though they couldn't live together.

All that matters is putting the kids first, which means providing them with a home life where they are loved, secure and well cared for. The fact that it's 2 separate homes will not affect them as much if they are always made to know they come first and are loved.
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: Separate or divorce. Have kids. Not sure what to do..

It sounds like your wife has discounted you, and could be hiding from you, behind the children. Because her excuse of keeping the children in your bed does not make sense. It is sad to think your wife would leave you with no dinner, and a dark house to come home to. That would hurt!

 
Old 09-02-2009, 02:56 PM   #7
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Re: Separate or divorce. Have kids. Not sure what to do..

I'm sorry you have been going through this, it must be very difficult for you.

I can't tell you if you should separate or divorce, that's something that you have to decide, most people usually separate first.

What I would suggest (and it's just a suggestion) is to take photographs of your kids in bed with your wife just for documentation purposes as you may need those photo's later on. It just doesn't sit right with me that your kids are sleeping with your wife, especially at those ages.

Hang in there,
Sunny

 
Old 09-02-2009, 04:46 PM   #8
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Re: Separate or divorce. Have kids. Not sure what to do..

It's creepy...What are the sex of your children? I'm only asking because sounds odd, and it seems to make sense to you that it started the whole thing with your wife. I would handle this in a very low key tone, and make it legal first. I think your kids need you to be the leader of this family, and the hero of the story. I would seek counseling for yourself to help you work this out in your head, while pursuing your rightful legal custody of your children.

What must your children think when they sleep with mommy and daddy sleeps down the hall, never eats with them, and rarely sees them? What does this say about mommy?

This whole thing must make your feel awful, and I am so sorry for that...Hopefully we can help a little...

 
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