I am married over a year. My husband maintains the stance that he wants to be with me, but doesn't want to be married to me. I say forget the former part of that sentence and focus on the latter, because what difference does it make? I have to ask myself what I am okay with, and I don't know that i am okay with divorcing and continuing to date---that is ridiculous in my opinion, though he thinks it would be awesome...strange, right? I can't explain it, perhaps shouldn't try, and just go on knowing that it wasn't right, even if I can't explain how exactly it was wrong.
So if he wants out, why isn't he making it happen? He has said to me, "because it is cheaper to be married to you and i need the money right now." I am a student in graduate school and I am flat broke (i.e. in debt). I was a student when we met and will continue to be for another couple years. I work part-time but of course this isn't even enough to put food on the table for one person. I work around the clock and go without sleep as it is. Getting another job would be impossible---there just flat out aren't enough hours in the day.
Because we do not have joint bank accounts, he is no longer providing me any financial support. If I needed money before, he always wrote me one of his personal checks (that sounds like a great marriage, right?!?). Unfortunately, he has access to all of my accounts, so he could wipe me out in a heartbeat (there is a small bit i've saved that will keep me going to a month or if my car needs mass repair).
Because I go to school in another city, we've maintained an apartment for me there. Since we are separated, what financial obligation does he have to me? I to him? And after divorce, how is the settled? During the marriage, I certainly didn't make as much money as him (he works full time), and he used to give me money---will i be forced to give it back? will he be forced to continue to provide for me? If I hire an attorney, does this really just mean more debt for me?
He was being quite ugly to me the other day, and I remarked that if he would just leave me the heck alone for the rest of my life he didn't have to give me another dime to live off of, which he loved. but that isn't fair---afterall, he is the one he wants out...
what do you think? additionally, how do i get myself out of this messed up situation? one minute of the day he is going on about how he loves me and we are destined to be together, the next he says i ruined his life...yikes...i really want to get out of this situation but i am so easily fooled by the hugs, and kisses and too easily forgive the ugly remarks...
Last edited by Chubbycheeks; 10-12-2009 at 02:40 PM.
You need to see an attorney. You can find one that will give you a free, initial consultation. Then, due to the inequity of finances, he may very well be required to pay court costs. Your two attorneys will work out a settlement agreement (quite possibly a lump sum rather than monthly payments for x number of years). He'd probably be encouraged by his attorney to make a reasonable settlement rather than a long, drawn-out court battle that will cost him more in the long run.
No way should you be ok with staying married but him acting single. What the heck did he get married for if he wants to date????
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
Are you in the same state? His current location and your apartment?
If you take any advice over the web from people, please understand that the rules vary depending upon what state you live in.
The only advice I would give you is to try and get something in writing that dates what you consider your separation date. I don't mean a notarized type letter, but possibly a casual email thread where a date is mentioned that you can later point to. There are frequently time frames involved and those time frame can change legal obligations. But this is not something people can easily guide you on. It has to be specific to your legal situation.