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Old 10-14-2009, 06:50 AM   #1
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Divorce

OK, this is the story...
I'v been with the same guy for the last 13 years, since i was 18 years old. I am now 32 and we are getting a divorce. It was a mutral divorce, I agreed but then realized I did not want that. But now he wont take me back.
Mean while i have been a miserable wreck the past couple of weeks...
This is where it gets a little depressing for me, He told me he was dating someone eles and he was really into her. It tears me apart.
Now my question is should my husband or soon to be Ex husband be dating someone else so soon????? And how in the world do I deal with this???

 
Old 10-14-2009, 07:50 AM   #2
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Re: Divorce

What made you realize that you wanted to remain with him? Or are you just afraid of being alone?

Last edited by pendulum; 10-14-2009 at 07:51 AM.

 
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:30 AM   #3
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Re: Divorce

I think the average man doesn't dwell on relationships like women do. There are always exceptions, but men by and large have a very easy time getting over it and moving on, because there are more women for men than there are men for women. There are just more good women to go around than there are good men, so men have a LOT more options than women do, and their identity and validation comes more from their work, whereas a woman's identity and validation comes from her marriage/relationship. A lot of men just need a night of drinking with the boys, a one night stand and poof, they're ready for the next one.

I think you just have to wrap your mind around the fact that it's over, and move through the stages of grief and tend to yourself and not worry about what he's doing. Good luck.

 
Old 10-14-2009, 09:09 AM   #4
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Re: Divorce

It is not unusual for one or the other to want to get back together however you have to remember nothing has changed. Whatever lead you two to the state of divorce is still there... Sit down and write down all the reasons for the divorce in the first place and all those reasons are still there the only thing that has changed is that he has moved on and you have forgotten the bad things that got you to the point of divorce in the first place. It is very easy to forget the pain and reasons for it all. You have no choice but to move on with your life...perhaps this is the perfect time for you to work on you so you don't end up in the same type of marriage/divorce. Educate yourself about relationships through reading and encourage yourself to join a group therapy class for those in your same situation...how to let go and move on. Good luck it is not always easy.

 
Old 10-14-2009, 09:51 AM   #5
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Re: Divorce

You should limit the contact between you and your husband... keep it strictly relating to the divorce. If you exchange personal info, as you have already seen, all that does is cause additional pain. Since he has moved on, whether or not you like it (you don't), there is NOTHING you can do about that. Talking to him about his new life will do nothing positive for you.
You two CANNOT be 'friends' right now, I don't know if you ever will be, it depends.

IMHO, he straight up should not have told you about this 'rebound' girl (people should always be honest, but it is not your business anymore since you are no longer together)... that was like poking your 'dead marriage' with a stick. He knew that would hurt you.
Also, women fall in love fast and it usually takes a long time for a woman to fall out of love.... men do not fall in love as fast, they do not love as easily, but they can love just as hard. Sometimes they don't though. There are some men that are not capable of TRULY loving a woman.

There is no remedy or quick fix for your situation, you just have to make yourself your #1, limit the contact with him, and try to learn lessons. Think about the reasons the marriage went downhill and your role in that. Then figure out strategies to ensure that those mistakes will not happen in your next relationship. As someone else said, read some books on this subject. I'm sorry you have to go through this...

 
Old 10-14-2009, 05:39 PM   #6
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Re: Divorce

Whether he was telling you the truth or not (about dating another woman), whether this was a convenient lie or not, it seems clear that he doesn't want you any more. I know this hurts you, but try to put your pride and self-esteem ahead of your "love" for this man. Keep telling yourself that you deserve better. Any sudden change in your life is really threatening, but actually manageable. Mourn your loss, if adequate, but remember that this is not the end of your life, let alone the end of the world. Gently close this door and with curiosity open the next door that will lead into the second or third part of your life.

 
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