its been over 3 years ago since i felt content. i went through a divorce. very painful. then i wanted company! i invited my friend to live with me, and my dad also. i isolated myself. i didnt want my friend here anymore after a few months. i spent all my time playing games on the computer. i met an amazing girl. i stopped teaching the 4 year old sunday school class
. i never stopped playing music for the church though, and i go every sunday i can. but now, over three years from my divorce, i still feel lost. im engaged, but i dont seem as excited as i should be. im filled with anxiety instead of excitement. i stopped feeling life 3 years ago and now im just on for the ride. dont get me wrong my fiance is an amazing person
. i just feel like im not good enough for her because shes never been married and i have. and shes excited and im not. she wants to plan the wedding with me but id rather she did it all and i could just be there. ive been very hopeful that this would all just go away and id get back to normal but it seems to never change. im irritable and i used to be very happy. now im having trouble with my heart kind of fluttering. its kind of scary, but if i stress about it im sure it would get worse. im not suicidal or anything but sometimes i think maybe my fiance would be better off with someone else. but theres no way im stupid enough to let her go. shes not a perfect person but shes perfect for me. i just would like to share her excitement and to stop feeling so depressed. i need to stop procrastinating. i need to have some of the spark back in my life that i used to have before i learned that life has potential to hurt real real bad. not just life but people... even the people we trust with our entire heart. how can i learn to trust my fiance like that? how can i give her all of myself when i dont feel like i have it to give? how can i get my old spark back? i want to say that i know my fiance wont hurt me but the truth is that i can never know for sure, right? or is it that i need to realize that she CAN hurt me so i should spent alot of time on our relationship so i dont get hurt. please help. im getting married in a few months and im still having issues that i thought would go away in time.