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Divorce or stay and give it time

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Old 01-25-2010, 08:34 AM   #1
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Unhappy Divorce or stay and give it time

I will try to keep this short by starting out with points. Married a few months shy of 7 years, 2 kids, second one being 15 months old now. In the seven years, my husband has been caught flirting with other women, 3 occassions stand out. In our first two years, he had a girl texting him alot. She was in his college class and he said it was for homework. Well one day we had off together from work and she text him 6 times. Late that night he got up and went downstairs which I guessed to text her back and he did. His text back though said, No, I love my wife. I checked after he went upstairs. (i know, spying is not good) So I confronted him and he said she is just crazy. She says she is in love with him and all this stuff but he swears he didn't do anything with her. Then about 2 years later, I discover he was talking to a girl in FL, 18 yrs old through Myspace and the things they were saying was sexual and he told her where he lived and worked because she was orginally from where we live and may be coming up here. I confronted him and he said he was sorry and will try not to need attention all this stuff. He even shut down his Myspace page. Two weeks later asked if he can open another one up but dedicate it to us. So his pic is of us and all that. I feel that if I tell him no, it would be wrong because you can't tell someone what to do because if they want to do it, they will regardless. So I figured atleast i would know about it. Well about a year and a few months ago, I was about 8 months pregnant, I found out he was flirting with a women he gave rides to work. I found out because I know the passwords to his emails. They talked about going to the movies and snuggling and just flirting stuff but not distinct sexual stuff. He even told her how he was going to lie to me to see her. Well I was done so I went to a lawyer and found out what I needed to do. But it was right before the holidays and before the birth of our second child. So I decided to wait until after the holidays. Well the emails became scarce and she wasn't riding with him anymore so I waited longer. It wasn't until last July that I finally told him what i knew and that I only stuck around because of the baby and this small hope that we can get through this. He made all his promises and stuff. But I never said he couldn't talk to her anymore, thinking this was an obvious agreement that didn't need to be said. Well she emailed a few times, all innocent and talks about families and stuff. Well about 2 months ago I discovered on our home computer that he used yahoo and it was email. Well he doesn't have a yahoo account so I think he opened it to talk to her knowing that I know about his other email address and that it was the one used to talk to her. But I didn't confront him because I don't know for sure. But why keep it a secret though. Now he is always kissing and hugging on me, that has never changed even when he was flirting and hanging out with her. So I am confused. I can't get over the hurt and the disappointment and this new email is driving me crazy. If I bring it up, I know it will **** him off and I could possibly undo all that he has tried to do which is stay straight and do right. I don't feel the same about him. When he kisses and hugs me, it don't feel the same meaning I sometimes just roll my eyes but he doesn't see it. Its almost like I am putting on a good act just to keep this cool. Some days I don't think about it and we are good. We are very good friends and I think at times maybe we should have just stayed friends. Thoughts? Questions? Help!

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Old 01-25-2010, 09:16 AM   #2
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Re: Divorce or stay and give it time

I am sorry you are struggling but you have been putting up with him for all these for years and even brought another child into this very sad situation. You haven't really put your foot down so what is it that you want to happen? You know your legal rights so now what? For some reason you are not making a big deal out of his wandering marriage counseling and no confrontation and no expectation that he stop it. And yes you as his wife can expect he stop all this and focus on the family. So there are reasons you are where you are are sort of allowing it all to continue. Yes of course you can snoop and be aware of what he is doing and expect it to should know what diseases he might bring into the marriage and protect yourself. You say you are just pretending to keep things cool. So if that is how you want your life to go then you are giving him permission to be disrespectful. I am sorry but there is no magic potion to change the course of your life and only you can to make the hard decisions. I wish you well.

Old 01-25-2010, 09:36 AM   #3
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Re: Divorce or stay and give it time

I guess I am afraid that I am jumping when I should be just working it out and when I mean working it out, I mean myself getting over it. I am no good at confrontation and get all tough tied when I do confront him. I told him I would give him another chance. I don't know if he is talking to her and I am certain he stopped flirting. I guess I just am wondering if its me thats the problem now and is it something that can heal in time. That I don't know. When I say I'm pretending, I mean that I am holding in my feelings and doubts which to me is pretending because I normally am an honest person and never was able to hide my feelings but I have seem to become an expert now.

Old 01-25-2010, 03:36 PM   #4
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Re: Divorce or stay and give it time

Gosh, your husband really is a dumb@**. It sounds like he wants to choose you and the family, but just can't help himself. He's a total jerk.

Given the history, I'm sure your suspicion about the yahoo account is correct.

I would ask yourself this: If he really could cut out all that stuff, would you want him as your husband? Or is the relationship already too damaged? If the latter, then get out now. If the former, then give him one final ultimatum. No ifs, ands or buts. Get the divorce ready to go, and tell him that one unacceptable communication with a female, and he's done. Gain access to all of his email accounts--he shouldn't have anything to hide (I'm usually an advocate for not spying, but in this case he should willingly disclose to you). Tell him that if you even find out about a secret email account, he's done (there's only one reason he'd have one). It could take a long time to get that trust back, but you could get there in time. You just have to ask yourself whether it's worth it.

Old 01-27-2010, 06:21 AM   #5
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Re: Divorce or stay and give it time

Yeah I guess I need to buck up and stand my ground and stop being so scared of what's going to happen. (I am scared!!) Part of me doesn't want to loose him but the other half always asks what am I really loosing though. I can always go about it where we come out as friends because as long as I explain things to him and, hopefully, he can finally see things the way I do and see how much I really have put up with, then we will be good. The hardest thing for me is to admit to him that I have been "spying" because I know that it could be the deal breaker meaning there is no staying with him because he will be so ****** off that he won't speak to me and even worse like ignore me or start not coming home right away. But I need to accept that there is a fork in the road and I just need to pick one way or the other. Maybe, if God is willing, he will understand and actually come around and admit that he has a problem, not that he hasn't already admitted it but this time really do all he can. But trust is an issue and even if he does bend over backwards, I will always question how long with this "halo over his head" last.

Old 01-27-2010, 07:19 AM   #6
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Re: Divorce or stay and give it time

I do have to say that I go back and forth. I feel at times its me and I am the problem and that I need to be stronger and say that he picked me and just give him the time to do better. THis new email account, with only internet cookies telling me he signed into a yahoo account, is my only thing thats hanging over my head. He hasn't done anything else, that I am aware of though. But ignorance is bliss right? Ugghhhh....why is this so hard for me?! I am not staying with him because we have kids because I will do whatever to make sure they see thier dad and that he spends time with them. I am scared that I am wasting more time on the man when he is just going to break my heart again. Man I am just a basket case, aren't I? But this is why I came here so people can be honest with me and not just tell me what I want to hear.

Old 01-27-2010, 09:30 AM   #7
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Re: Divorce or stay and give it time

Well, the lack of trust you have is justified. The biggest probelm now is this lack of trust. A relationship cannot survive without it. How do you trust him again? My advice would be to talk to him. Tell him what you found. If he gets angry, be honest (not offensive or attacking..just calm and open and honest) and tell him you have trust issues from the times before he betrayed your trust. You need him to be open, honest and transparent, he cannot be secretive or else you are through. Let him know if you find one more secret communication with a woman and you are through.

You said the spying might be a deal breaker. Well what about his hidden communications with women and the inappropriate conversations he has had? Are those not deal breakers??

Last edited by River rocks; 01-27-2010 at 09:31 AM.

Old 01-27-2010, 11:45 AM   #8
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Re: Divorce or stay and give it time

Originally Posted by 2blostntheworld View Post
The hardest thing for me is to admit to him that I have been "spying" because I know that it could be the deal breaker meaning there is no staying with him because he will be so ****** off that he won't speak to me and even worse like ignore me or start not coming home right away.
How is you spying a dealbreaker but him cheating on you in the past not a dealbreaker for you? You should be way more upset about his previous betrayal against you that led you to not trust him in the first place! HE started this by cheating first, which caused you to lose trust in him, now he is acting suspicious again, what the hell does he expect you to do? Forget about what happened before? Is he really that stupid?

Listen, you need to stop being so scared of losing him because he is a cheating and lying pig, there's nothing there to be lost! He totally sucks! Cheaters never change, I don't care what kind of empty promises you get, it's all bs. He lied and cheated and you forgave him once, which was your first huge mistake, now you need to show him that you're not putting up with it again and stand firm on it. If you question hhim and he gets mad, he has no right to get mad because he is a liar and a cheater and that means he doesn't get a say in the matter, end of story.

Get rid of this loser. Seriously, what are you hanging on to? How can you even stand looking at him or hearing his voice after what he has done to you?

Old 01-29-2010, 03:00 PM   #9
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Re: Divorce or stay and give it time

Wow, everything I've felt, said or thought of was said here! Trust isn't there but I thought I could learn to trust again. I have anger towards him and sometimes it is hard to put with him at these moments. I am so busy with work, online school and kids that I have put aside my drama and focus. I don't know what my problem is as far as standing my ground but I know I need to. I will try to figure this out some more, as far as how to and when to approach him but I know it's needed. I am emotionally tired and I am getting really fed up with knowing that he couldn't even sacrifice his friendship or whatever it is with her for the sake of our marriage. Not to mention who knows how long this "going to do better" is really going to last. Ugh. This sucks! ( thinking about the kids at this point)

Last edited by 2blostntheworld; 01-29-2010 at 03:02 PM.

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