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Old 03-15-2010, 03:57 AM   #1
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Recently Divorced Boyfriend

Hi,
I have been with my boyfriend 18months now. When we met, he had been separated from his wife 2months, we 'bumped into' each other at the local pub regularly for 3months before our first date.
His divorce was finalized just before our 1yr anaversary.
For the first 6mnths, he spent most nights at my house as he was in a share unit and didn't want to be at home (I've recently found out he had shagged one of the housemates). After this time he purchased a unit and we have spent most nights there. Recently he has said that he would like some personal nights, something he has always mentioned but never enforced.
I don't understand why he has let us progress to where we are, and now wants to pull back?
Also, we are looking at our first holiday togther to new York, and seeing his ex working in the travel industry, he has contacted her to organize our trip, or rather orgAnise a cheaper trip. I don't understand why?
SHE cheated on him. She ruined him, and she forced him into everything they were. I just don't understand why a man would want an opinion from someone he doesn't trust?!

The last issue I am finding incomprehensible is why he won't let me move in..?I spend 6 nights a week there, my bed is in his apartmnt, my coffee machine, my iron, drinking glasses and so much more. But were not allowed to move in!

Help! I just don't understand a mans mind.

 
Old 03-15-2010, 11:21 AM   #2
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Re: Recently Divorced Boyfriend

Hmmmm...
It would be easy to jump to conclusions here. But a few questions are warranted first.
When did he sleep with the housemate? Were you dating him exclusively at the time?
You said you spend about six nights a week at the unit he purchased. Have you kept your own place as well?
Has he been odd or distant in any way? Have you ever suspected him of cheating on you or wanting to?

It does seem a bit strange that at this stage in your relationship he would want some "personal nights". Have you asked him to explain? Does he just need space on occasion?

As for the ex girlfriend and his asking for travel help. I wouldnt give that too much worry. My boyfriend has an ex who has a time share and he calls her when he wants to set up time for he and I to go on vacation. Its purely logistical.

But regardless, I'd try and talk to him about his desire for personal nights. Maybe he just needs some space, but I'd want to know more about that if I was you.

Last edited by River rocks; 03-15-2010 at 11:21 AM.

 
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Old 03-16-2010, 12:10 AM   #3
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Re: Recently Divorced Boyfriend

He wants personal alone nights without you... are you sure it's not because he has another girl lined up? Maybe he is actually enforcing it now because he just found someone?

You say his ex-wife cheated, but your boyfriend slept with a housemate... was it when you two were together? If you were, then not only is the ex-wife untrustworthy, but your man is too.

You started dating him two months after they separated-- did he move out of their home around that same time or had he moved out of their place way before? Were there any lingering feelings during the divorce process from either side? The reason I'm asking this is to rule out the possibility of a rebound. Yes I realize it's been 18 months, but that does not necessarily rule it out.

If you answer the questions presented, River has some important ones too, then the conclusion would be more clear. Based on what I've read, to me anyway, it looks like a cold cut case of a rebound. At this point in the relationship, it's been awhile and he sees you wanting to take it to the next level (moving in), which he's not ready for, at least not with you. What reason did he give for not wanting to live together? Have you been somewhat 'pushy' about it, or brought the topic up often? Maybe he feels pressured.

 
Old 03-16-2010, 03:06 AM   #4
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Re: Recently Divorced Boyfriend

Hi thanks for the advice so far, I hadn't thought of rebound relationship.

He had been moved out for 2months when we met, and the same again before we started together. He slept with his house mate only 2x and it was in the first fortnight. His marriage was over and they were living seperatly together for a month before he moved out.
I'm fairly sure there were lingering feelings as she tried to get back with him when we had been together 6months, he told me he wanted to do the right thing by his vows, but knWe he would be unhappy with her, and could not imagine being without me.

I have kept renting my unit the entire time, I recently moved from a 10min drive to a 30min drive to save money on rent, and since I started looking at moving he has pushed the idea of personal nights.
He hasn't been different and I can never imagine him cheating, honestly ur prob right re the desire for space as he is not ready cos we are a rebound. But can rebound relationships work?

 
Old 03-16-2010, 07:13 AM   #5
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Re: Recently Divorced Boyfriend

I think sometimes rebound relationships work.......sort of. I wouldnt put all my eggs in one basket though. Something tells me he probably hasnt been completely honest with you about his ex. Maybe she cheated, but what was the reason, who divorced who, was he really divorcing her or die she divorce him, was she really trying to get back with him or was it the other way around, and aside from HIS say so, what proof do you have on any of it. And the thing about doing the right thing by his vows but was so in love with you sounds more like is playing a game then anything else. Nobody would say that. Most men know how sensetive a woman is. And any descent man would completely abstain from a comment that would allow the other woman to feel at all like her relationship was threatened by another. Sounds to me like he was trying to make you feel "lucky" he was choosing you so that you would give him lots of kudo's and make him feel special. Having said that, if I were you, I would take the ball back to my court. He wants personal time? Fine. How about a week or two, and if he wants to spend a night with you, he needs to come to your place. One of two things will happen. Either he is going to get defensive fast, and try to take back control, and then dump you the second he realizes he cant..........and it wont take long, two weeks tops! Or, he will suddenly realize what he is missing out on, and wont be able to stay away. Sometimes I think we make it too easy for men. It's better to be a little bit of your own person, and have your own life going on. Otherwise, there is nothing for them to conquer. They have it all, and get bored quick. Just to say however, I dont believe in mind games, lies, etc. And never should you mess around with your marriage in a reckless manner........that's completely sacred and a whole different subject. But as far as your boyfriend goes, I think no matter which way it turns out, you need to develop a sense of self, get your own life back, do your own thing, and see if he is willing to keep up, or if he's going to bail. Hope that helps.
Melissa

 
Old 03-16-2010, 09:13 AM   #6
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Re: Recently Divorced Boyfriend

Sometimes rebounds can work. I am with a man now who I started dating just two months after my divorce, and we've been together for over three years. So it can work but you have to look for red flags early on.

The thing about your boyfriend I see is it seems like he begins relationships (even just sex like with the housemate) during times of emotional transition. He is a rebound kind of guy who very well may not like to be alone. Its not that its a terrible trait to have, but, it can lead to emotional and physical neediness and infidelity, especially when one is still healing from a divorce. Something tells me he has not healed from the ending of his marriage and he's reaching out in a couple of directions for emotional soothing. I dont mean to say he doesn't truly care about you- because clearly he does.

I don't know..maybe he really does just need space. Maybe he feels things have moved along to quicky since he is recently divorced and he doesn't want to be that comitted again so quickly.

I guess the only way to tell is to try and talk to him openly and ask for the honest truth, and then accept that truth for what it is.

Last edited by River rocks; 03-16-2010 at 09:16 AM.

 
Old 03-16-2010, 08:18 PM   #7
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Re: Recently Divorced Boyfriend

I agree, anything is possible. For it to work though, both parties have to be healed emotionally and mentally from previous relationships. Maybe your boyfriend is healed, I couldn't say, but if he is then he must have adjusted very quickly, even faster than the average person. The grievances that come with a divorce are obviously much stronger and painful compared to a breakup of a boyfriend/girlfriend, so I can understand if your man feels a bit 'scared' or uneasy about progressing again.

Maybe space is just what he needs. I think you need to let him be. Let him have a chance to miss you. He won't be able to miss you if you're always around.

Sometimes people need to be alone with their thoughts. On those nights without you, let him wonder what you're doing. I agree with Mel on that one. Having outside interests and options are attractive to men. Your man should be your best friend, but do not make him your ONLY friend (I'm not saying you're doing this). Being too available is a turnoff, and it also takes away the excitement that bubbles up when the dates are 'gapped' or spead out.

Keep things fresh and talk to him. Tell him he is free to have his personal nights to be alone or hang with the boys. Then live up to your words and don't give any future objections (unless there's a good reason of course). Then concurrently, you should be doing the same thing and have personal nights of your own with the girls. After that, wait and see if he will come to you. Let him call. Let him make the effort to see you. If he loves you as much as he claims (he probably does), then he will.

 
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