Not sure where to start; my wife and I have been married for 13 years this June…she has had a history of sexual assault in her life (molested as a young girl, raped at 19, and 2 years ago sexually assaulted while 5 months pregnant). We lost our baby and I almost lost my wife. 2 weeks after the assault she attempted to take her life…we checked her in to the hospital for 3 days and she came home with some meds and a therapist who she saw weekly for 6 months and now only sees every two weeks. She is very angry and has been diagnosed with PTSD.
During our marriage, our sex life has been difficult. Intimacy has always been initiated by me…she never said “no” but also was never very free.
Since the attack, she is involved in a major lawsuit against the location where the attack happened…sorry, no names. But, she has been reliving the assault in graphic detail for 20+months and its taking its toll.
She has disengaged from life; she doesn’t clean the house, she doesn’t watch the kids, she doesn’t cook or straighten…she sits on the computer 8-10 hours /day on the internet and talks with friends. She has emotionally divorce me…and has filed for divorce. She has changed her name and says that I am guilty of emotional abandonment throughout our marriage.
My question is this; for the last 2 years, I am living like a single parent. I work two jobs, do all the cleaning, laundry, dishes, yard work and take care of our 4 kids. I coach the sports and take them to church….but she wants to divorce me. Is she able to take on 50% custody of the kids?
She wants me to pay her $1500/month…for child support. She hasn’t worked for 12 years (since we were first married) and has not indication that she is looking for a job or intends to get a job…. I am so lost and lonely here. We haven’t been intimate for 2 years and we sleep in the same bed and snuggle together every night. She told me she enjoys the security of sleeping with me, but still wants a divorce.
The other day, she was very upset b/c I told her that every computer at work was scanned for inappropriate material and mine came up clean. She got very angry I previously had a swimsuit site on my phone and she considered it p@3n. She asked me if I deleated it…I said , “no”…she asked me how I tricked them…she then grabbed my neck with two hands and squeezed…telling me that she will ruin me if I ever try to deny p@3n use ever again and make her feel crazy. Truth is, I’ve admitted to it’s frequent use for the previous 10 years, but went into therapy in Feb ’08 and have been clean ever since…
I thought this would heal our marriage, but since the attack…she has just gone downhill and wants nothing to do with me…she hates men, “they are all pigs”. Please help.
Last edited by Administrator; 02-03-2011 at 07:37 PM.
I think your issues are beyond the lay advice you can get here. Your wife has lived through what I would consider to be many women's worst nightmare--not only the assault, but losing a child. You're right that the lawsuit is keeping this incident alive and she'll have trouble putting it behind her until it's concluded. At the same time, I hope she receives just compensation.
On another note, since she's filed for divorce, you'll need a good lawyer, since she's apparently asking for things you don't want to give her--custody and child support.
This is a very sad story and I'm very sorry for what this must be doing to your family. First of all, yes.....she can do all of these things if you roll over and dont fight it. How old are your children? What have they been whitness too? If they are older, they may have the right to speak in court and give a better outlook on what is going on in the home as well as the parent of preferance they would like to live with. Otherwise, you are going to need a very good lawyer. It's not impossible for a father to gain sole custody, but it can be very difficult, time consuming, and expensive. But were talking about the wellbeing of your children so I say, beg, borrow, or steal if you have to in order to keep them safe. If she is really getting physical, then you need to start calling th police and keeping a record of what is going on. Times, dates, pictures of marks left on you. She may or may not have bruised you, but there will allways be marks. I would call a lawyer now, they can give you a good starting point and tell you how to properly document everything.....but you probably will have to pay a retainer. Has she had a psychiatric evaluation? You could make it a condition upon her even getting visitation with the children......but I have to warn you, this can be tricky because some people all of a sudden come to life in the therapists office and lie through their teeth. That's all I can say about the legal aspect. As far as your relationship with her, you cant fix it. There is nothing YOU can do unless she seeks help which it doesn't sound like she is doing. I'm sorry for all that she has gone through, but she has to want help before it will ever get easier for her. Also, I wouldn't let anyone tell you that she is too fragile to get a little dirty once this goes to court. And I wouldn't let your love for her blind you to the fact that she is neglectful, and abusive toward you and your children. And your kids are the most important of all of you. So if you have to throw her unpleasant past into things to secure that they will be safe, then that's just what you are going to have to do. Again, I'm terribly sorry for all that you are going through. It's very sad on all sides. But mostly, protect your children....at any cost! Good luck to you!
My children have seen it all; they have watched her decline ...neglect of the family and it's sad.
I will do all that i can to not only protect them but to have full custody; her acting out and her PTSD are not going away. She had a full psychiatic eval when she was admitted for three days after attempting to take her life...she blamed it on lack of sleep due to the assault and general disorientation and dissatisfaction with life.
Our relationship is nearly over. She told me she was not willing to see a marriage counselor...she is going to a therapist, but is not getting much better. She was diagnosed with Ptsd and this is a major piece of her lawsuit with the hospital....bad stuff.
Unfortunately, i have allowed my love for her blind me to her behavior. she has attacked me multiple times...once kicking and hitting me. I wasn't injured, but i requested a police escort when i returned to the home. That was 2 years ago, and since then she has been agressive only twice.
For me...i am just not ready to move on. I am still in love and i can't imagine living with out her. I know she is broken and hurting, but with 24 months of SA classes and still clean, 7 months of marriage counseling (just me), i thought we could make it through...but it looks like i am wrong. Strangely, Ken McNair's book on emotional bonds is her basis for this divorce...she claims she is emotionally bonded for all the wrong reasons...when infact, she emotionally divorced me ...no intimacy, no talking; stopped wearing a wedding ring, and recently changed her name. In many ways, i have been hoping we could stay together for the kids sake, but i am losing the "want to" as she drifts farther and farther from my life.
anyhow, thank you for your prayers and support.
Last edited by Administrator; 02-03-2011 at 07:40 PM.