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Old 08-27-2010, 06:34 PM   #1
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He divorced 3 wives, i am the 4th and need advice

Been living with this man for like 8mnths now, and he has promised to marry me, I came to know that the last ex wife had gone for a maternity leave after3mnths, he lied that the relationship was over and he was to send her, her things. The lady didnt seem interested with him anymore as they had a business which she was running in her country and was meant to send money to pay bank loan of which she kept lying and sending very abusive messages.she didnt seem interested until she learnt that I was in the picture.

I found the man in a very difficult situation as he had lost his job and couldnt even pay the bank, she later informed her about me after they had serious quarrels over the phone about money and warned her about coming over as it was over between them and she still made her way to come. I was angry with him for he lied to me and was ready to leave, he wouldnt let me go as he said he didnt want anything do with her and even if I left he would still take someone else not her, he pleaded with me saying I am the kind of woman he had been looking for. for years. They had a meeting with some witnesses and there was agreement that the man would take care of the baby since they were not legally married.

The man got a job, and now it has been threats throughout from the lady, always lying about the baby, is sick, no food the money is not enough and bla bla bla. I feel loved by this man as I have been through rough times with relationships and I can feel the difference, he also says the same that all the women he has had have always been using him. he never cares for his 1st wife with 2 kids for the divorce was very bad, the 2nd is not working and with 4 kids and he takes care of them, the third the same with one and he takes care of the baby. I dont have any kids I am in my mid 30s, he has promised marriage as soon as he is done with the divorce from the 2nd wife.

He has been open with me till I found recently he sent money secretly to the 3rd x wife which hurt me so much, he did the 1st time and warned him about keeping secrets, he did the 2nd time and now third. She knows that if she pushes him so much he always sends whether he likes it or not. I dont know if i am in the right track as I dont know if I can put up with this. We both love each other but I am starting to feel like it is becoming a burden since the 2 exes are fully dependent on him, and 2ndly he loves himself too much that I have to do everything in the house he touches nothing in the house, I am working and he still supports me financially, i dont contribute in the house financially. What I dont know is will I manage to stand this? and will he marry me or its just lies. should I stay or look for someone single like me.

 
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Old 08-27-2010, 06:45 PM   #2
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

Why is it with some men that all of their ex wives were bad women and he was the nice one? I would have a hard time believing that he had such bad luck or has a problem with choosing bad women to marry.

I'm also confused, you said he is divorcing the 2nd wife but then you say there is a 3rd ex wife. So he is married to 2 women at the same time?

 
Old 08-27-2010, 06:59 PM   #3
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

I think this guy "needs" a woman, but doesn't live up to the hype once he gets her. That's my first instinct anyway. My second is to stay out of the business of him and his ex. The fact is that the two of you ARE NOT married yet. In fact, he is still married to wife number three......and he has a baby with her. Whether you like it or not, that baby needs support, money, attention, etc. Really, this is none of your business how the two of them decide to go about that and even if you do marry him, it will far more up to the two of them then you. If I were you, since it sounds like your allready having a hard time accepting this.....I would just quietly move on. Look up the statistics on these scenarios. It's very very rare that they work. Good luck.

 
Old 08-27-2010, 07:37 PM   #4
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

So he has two kids from the first marriage, four kids from the second, and one from the third, am I reading that right? SEven kids all together? And all three wives are selfish, using, horrible people. yeah.

It's been my experience that a man who has nothing but horrible, crazy, psycho exes is really a man who has lied, used, cheated, led on, or otherwise treated women like crap and doesn't care.

This guy sounds like bad news with nothing but a bunch of baggage that will only make you miserable. Since you say you feel loved by him, you probably are looking for a way to stay with him, and maybe somehow make him change, but really, the only advice I can give here that makes any sense to me is to leave him to his kids and wives and move on. Find someone single, available, decent and honest.

 
Old 08-27-2010, 07:55 PM   #5
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

Um, can you say DRAMA! Why would you want to get yourself caught up in this constant neverending drama? Of course he's going to play up and sweet talk you, because he knows how hard it will be to find a 4th woman who is foolish enough to want him after all of his shenanigans!

If you were smart, you'd get away from this tool as quickly as possible, before he drags you down with him. He has enough drama in his life to fill 10 lifetimes and it's just not worth it to get involved with it. Most people have enough of their own problems so they don't want to get involved in the problems of others cause there just isn't any room in their lives for it.

And I just read your other post in the other thread about how you recently realized that he is a narcissist. For that reason alone you should leave, forget about all of this ex-wife nonsense. The fact that he is a narcissist makes him completely incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone, so why are you wasting your time? You only get one life, and you're wasting it with this shmuck?

Last edited by Kszan; 08-27-2010 at 07:59 PM. Reason: Added something

 
Old 08-28-2010, 01:50 AM   #6
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

if you stay with him your relationship will be nothing but a bunch of promises and apologies never anything real.
he can't do anything but drag you down.

 
Old 08-28-2010, 04:00 PM   #7
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

Thnks for the advice, It is confusing and that is why I am here now...yes he was married to 2 women at the same time, since as u know divorce takes time and u cannot push it no matter what, secondly talking of having bad luck in his marriages I wouldnt surport or blame him, coz on my side I have been in relationships that the men turned out cold and the relationships ended with no good reason but they all ended up coming back after breaking my heart and so I believe sometimes u can be unlucky, as for him the first divorce was a genuine reason that I would believe, the second not really sure of main reason coz she appears a good woman to me, the third it was obvious that she was grabbing things, not staight and greedy coz I had a chat with her.

 
Old 08-28-2010, 04:03 PM   #8
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by bibimbap View Post
Why is it with some men that all of their ex wives were bad women and he was the nice one? I would have a hard time believing that he had such bad luck or has a problem with choosing bad women to marry.

I'm also confused, you said he is divorcing the 2nd wife but then you say there is a 3rd ex wife. So he is married to 2 women at the same time?
Thnks for the advice, It is confusing and that is why I am here now...yes he was married to 2 women at the same time, since as u know divorce takes time and u cannot push it no matter what, secondly talking of having bad luck in his marriages I wouldnt surport or blame him, coz on my side I have been in relationships that the men turned out cold and the relationships ended with no good reason but they all ended up coming back after breaking my heart and so I believe sometimes u can be unlucky, as for him the first divorce was a genuine reason that I would believe, the second not really sure of main reason coz she appears a good woman to me, the third it was obvious that she was grabbing things, not staight and greedy coz I had a chat with her.

 
Old 08-28-2010, 04:09 PM   #9
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

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Originally Posted by nobodyknows View Post
if you stay with him your relationship will be nothing but a bunch of promises and apologies never anything real.
he can't do anything but drag you down.
I am thinking the same, it hurts but its somehow true, thank you

 
Old 08-28-2010, 04:19 PM   #10
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

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Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
I think this guy "needs" a woman, but doesn't live up to the hype once he gets her. That's my first instinct anyway. My second is to stay out of the business of him and his ex. The fact is that the two of you ARE NOT married yet. In fact, he is still married to wife number three......and he has a baby with her. Whether you like it or not, that baby needs support, money, attention, etc. Really, this is none of your business how the two of them decide to go about that and even if you do marry him, it will far more up to the two of them then you. If I were you, since it sounds like your allready having a hard time accepting this.....I would just quietly move on. Look up the statistics on these scenarios. It's very very rare that they work. Good luck.
Thanks alot for no one has given me any positive reason to stay I have been thinking of the same but 'love' has been holding me back, I should have know better to stay out of it but I felt pity and at the same time threatened and this is what I fear the most coz he threatened that if I leave he would search for me , If with another man he would kill him when I am watching. I really dont know how to start. I am the first woman he has ever dated with no child and working so he is kind of cling'ing

 
Old 08-28-2010, 04:22 PM   #11
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
So he has two kids from the first marriage, four kids from the second, and one from the third, am I reading that right? SEven kids all together? And all three wives are selfish, using, horrible people. yeah.

It's been my experience that a man who has nothing but horrible, crazy, psycho exes is really a man who has lied, used, cheated, led on, or otherwise treated women like crap and doesn't care.

This guy sounds like bad news with nothing but a bunch of baggage that will only make you miserable. Since you say you feel loved by him, you probably are looking for a way to stay with him, and maybe somehow make him change, but really, the only advice I can give here that makes any sense to me is to leave him to his kids and wives and move on. Find someone single, available, decent and honest.
I have been questioning myself also, I have had my exes cook for me, clean....but this one is weird, very untidy, does totally nothing in the house even just taking a plate to the kitchen is a big deal, but outside he is the strongest, handsome and admired by many. Very true, been looking for a way to try and make him change but things are just getting worse, it is so hard to find decent guys nowadays but thanks for opening my eyes coz i have been announcing to everyone I am angaged and a couple of times I turned down offers from men coz I thought I already got one. thank you for your advice

Last edited by frikita; 08-28-2010 at 04:29 PM.

 
Old 08-28-2010, 04:50 PM   #12
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

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Um, can you say DRAMA! Why would you want to get yourself caught up in this constant neverending drama? Of course he's going to play up and sweet talk you, because he knows how hard it will be to find a 4th woman who is foolish enough to want him after all of his shenanigans!

If you were smart, you'd get away from this tool as quickly as possible, before he drags you down with him. He has enough drama in his life to fill 10 lifetimes and it's just not worth it to get involved with it. Most people have enough of their own problems so they don't want to get involved in the problems of others cause there just isn't any room in their lives for it.

And I just read your other post in the other thread about how you recently realized that he is a narcissist. For that reason alone you should leave, forget about all of this ex-wife nonsense. The fact that he is a narcissist makes him completely incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone, so why are you wasting your time? You only get one life, and you're wasting it with this shmuck?
Thanks alot, it hurt me to read about the narcists articles, coz all talked about how fast you should run from them, the last ex advice not to join their group for he would jst waste my time and mess my life, I thought she was jealous , I just dont know how to start my life again coz I have to live with him in the same city since this is where I work, and I am afraid of how to go about it coz I know I wont be able to date here again coz I am sure he is very possesive over me, since I am single with no strings and family depending on as he says, very tidy...can clean all his sh...t and independent, I am sure he wont stand seeing me date another man for I know he wont get a single woman who will stand his weird life. At the same time it is hurting coz all his workmates and friends know me and my workmates know him too and they all praised him, it wont be easy to have a new start again. Sooner or later I would have been forced to resign in a few months time and it would have been even more drama, I am always the good adviser to my friends but this time it is too complicated , I have wasted my whole year but hope it will make me appreciate my next man.

 
Old 08-29-2010, 11:34 AM   #13
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by frikita View Post
Thnks for the advice, It is confusing and that is why I am here now...yes he was married to 2 women at the same time, since as u know divorce takes time and u cannot push it no matter what,
Are you in a country where it's legal to marry number 3 due to the time involved to get divorced from number 2?

If its not legal, that would be a huge red flag to me. Someone who has no concern or respect for the rules or marriage, has no concern or respect for the woman he is marrying. It's just a game. And he's just a player. You can find someone else to love that won't give you such heartburn.

 
Old 08-29-2010, 12:06 PM   #14
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Re: He divorced 3wives, i am the 4th and need advice

Soooooooo........it's hard to leave because your afraid he will stalk you?! This has got to be the worst reason to stay with a person I have ever heard. YOU JUST LEAVE! BUB-BYE.....SEE YA! If he comes after you, you get personal protection order. Or better yet, since you have "no strings" tying you to this area other then your job......GET A JOB SOME PLACE ELSE!!!! But never never never never should you stay with somebody out of fear! This is so incredibly not okay! You need to read through all of your responses and then rethink your question. It shouldn't be whether or not you should stay.....it should fall more on the line of how the heck do I get away from here, how fast can I do it, and how far should I go!

 
Old 08-29-2010, 11:43 PM   #15
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Re: He divorced 3 wives, i am the 4th and need advice

Thanks to all who took their time to respond, it was very helpful and I am now working on my next step.

 
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