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Old 06-13-2003, 11:26 PM   #1
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Question Divorce is on the horizon....help!!

We were married in July last year. I'm 41 she's 29 and pregnant with our first child. We just don't jive, we don't have anything to talk about, she's turned into a total *****, we rarely make love anymore...the whole thing just sucks! In my heart of hearts I knew I should have never told her that I loved her, I only said it back to her because she seemed so sad and now looks where it's taken me. She was a single mother with a 3 year old child at the time we met (completely NOT was I was looking for). I've done better financially, my business has taken a turn downward and I'm looking to change carrier's. The thing that keeps me in this relationship is raw companionship (just someone to be there...I know, I should have just gotten a dog!), financially because she has a good job and health benefits and lastly I would be embarrassed to admit to a failed marriage and being single again. The whole getting pregnant thing was a total mistake and I'm going to eventually pay through the nose with child support...I guess, doesn't the guy always go broke paying child support? What percentage of my income will I have to pay? I know that this marriage isn't going to make it, it's not a matter of IF, it's a matter of WHEN. At this point, I have to wait at least until the baby is born...right????

 
Old 06-14-2003, 05:25 PM   #2
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Well, you can leave at any time, but I think it would be manly of you to stay and see this child through its birth.

As for child support, without a doubt, men get the shaft. Generally, the state has tables which indicate how much a child needs, then the money is proportioned between the two parents based upon their individual income, modified by who has custody.

It is best to go for joint custody, and insist that you get credit for the time the child is with you. Actually, if she is working, it might be best to file now, for if she quits her job after the baby, you might then be stuck with full child support as well as alimony.

Tough decision, and trying to do the right thing can cost you tens of thousands. Well, certainly do the right thing - the child didn't ask for this - but you still need watch out for yourself.

Certainly, consult an attorney before you do anything.

 
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Old 06-14-2003, 10:05 PM   #3
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First of all, does your wife know you feel this way? Is this a mutual thing or is she going to be knocked for a loop by all this?

Have you stopped to think that maybe her emotions are running wild from pregnancy hormones right now and that's why there has been a decrease in sex? Could easily explain why she's turned into a *****, as you call her. How far along is she?

It seems to me that you KNOW you shouldn't have told her you loved her, gotten her pregnant, and married her. BUT YOU DID! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/hammer.gif Now, less than a year later, you want out.

To answer your question ,NO, a guy doesn't always go broke paying child support! It just seems that way because most of them whine about having to pay at all. You can do a search and find out the % of your income that you will have to pay in California.

Whatever you do, make sure you make this as easy on your children as possible. They don't deserve to pay the price for your mistake.

 
Old 06-14-2003, 10:22 PM   #4
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I think the amount that you pay shouldn't even be an issue.. the money will be going towards your own child, don't forget that. You have a responsibility and you should care about it.

 
Old 06-15-2003, 09:56 PM   #5
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I don't think you should call your unborn child a mistake~regardless of how you feel about your wife. You helped her make that child and you shouldn't worry about how much of your precious $$ will be spent supporting him or her. I would give my whole paycheck to take care of my child if that's what it took. Sorry if I sound mean, but your post didn't really have enough info and I don't really see exactly what your marriage problems are.

 
Old 06-16-2003, 11:31 AM   #6
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Quote:
[B]I think the amount that you pay shouldn't even be an issue.. the money will be going towards your own child, don't forget that.[B]
Not exactly. If a state agency collects the money, not all of it goes to support your own child. This is one issue some men have with child support - their kids don't get all the money they pay in. (And, no, I have never been divorced, had children out of marraige, or had to pay child support, so my postings aren't the ramblings of a disgruntled father. When I see apparent unfairness, I will speak out, and the child support policies are oftentimes very unfair to fathers.)


 
Old 06-16-2003, 12:19 PM   #7
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Hi Misunderstood! Just like SoccerMom said, I don't clearly see what exactly your marital problems are from your post. Are you sure you and your wife are not just overwhelmed and severely stressed because of the pregnancy and a new marriage? These are big changes in one's life and require some major adjustment on the part of both individuals. I've never been married or pregnant but my best friend was and she told me the first year of marriage was really challenging (not to mention if you add pregnancy to it!); she even thought about calling it quits a few times, but she and her husband love each other a lot and decided to stick through it rather than taking the easy way out. They are now extremely happy and have an adorable little girl. If you and your wife still love each other, it should get better with time. I would advise against taking any drastic steps right now. Try to support your wife emotionally during her pregnancy; be kind and loving and see what happens. Maybe her attitude will improve too. If things are still very bad after the child is born and you just see that there is absolutely no connection between you and your wife, then I guess it would make sense to end the marriage, but don't do it unless you're absolutely certain you won't regret it. Best of luck to you.

 
Old 06-16-2003, 12:24 PM   #8
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Hey misunderstood,

Although I was a little put off by the number of times you mentioned money in regards to your unborn child and the extreme selfishness that it (and most of your other statements) implied, I feel the need to add my two cents worth since I am the product of a broken home..

First of all, your choice in spouses may very well have been a mistake.. Everyone make mistakes.. But they also have to take responsibility for them.. I have a really hard time believing that you told your wife that you loved her, married her and created a child with her based solely on pity.. That's a bit farfetched, don't you think?

I'm not trying to be rude, but you are more than old enough to know that there are consequences for your actions.. Yes, you will have to take some sort of financial responsibility for the child that you helped create.. But you may also find out what real love is in the process & that the life you created is a blessing rather than a curse..

I'm certainly not going to suggest that you stay with your wife if you're only with her for your own selfish reasons and "pity".. It's better for a child to have two loving parents that aren't together than two bitter parents who stayed together for all of the wrong reasons..

I can only hope that you'll be able to see past your own needs long enough to recognize the needs of your child.. Although it does cost money to raise a child, the most important thing that you really have to offer your child is love.. Please don't forget that.. It's far more priceless than money will ever be (and it'll last a whole lot longer too)..

Take Care,
Melanie
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Old 06-16-2003, 01:20 PM   #9
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"I never should have told her I loved her" - You married her!! I think we are missing something here. Was there never any attraction/interest? If not, what led you to marry her? If there was something there, please seek marriage counseling rather than just giving up on it. You took a vow. And further yet, she is having your child. Don't you feel any sense of responsibility? These are two human beings to whom you have made a commitment. Don't give up so easily.

 
Old 06-16-2003, 03:28 PM   #10
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Well I can assure you that since you live in California, your child will receive every penny that is taken from you for child support. The State of California handles my child support case. What is taken out of your paycheck is what your child will get. Might not be that easy in some states, but here it is.

 
Old 06-21-2003, 11:13 PM   #11
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I bet you weren't worrying about your finances during the conception.

 
Old 06-22-2003, 12:47 AM   #12
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I have the feeling like you are really going to regret this decision. Why don't you focus on your wife instead of your ego for a while? You married her, you got her pregnant, why don't you just find a way to deal with this? Does she want the divorce? Does she love you? So now she is going to have two children by two different men? So you say you felt sorry for her and that's why you told her you loved her? That makes no sense to me. I think their is more to it than that. I think marriage counseling would benefit you and your wife. I think their are a lot of issues that can be resolved if you give yourself and your wife time to work on this. You can't just decide you don't like something and quit. I would love to hear your wife's side of this. She probably has similiar issues with you.

 
Old 06-23-2003, 07:25 PM   #13
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I think you both should try the marriage couselling, it could help alot. I would advise anyone to try and work things out, because if you try, you really can make it work. Divorce is hard on your kids too, I know, my parents divorced when I was 5 or 6, and it really messed me up for a while there, when I was in my early teens, anyways, I think you should give it a shot.
Also, your wife may seem irritable, and grouchy, since she is pregnant (it's no picnic) and many women get very irritable etc, during pregnancy. I think you should talk to her. Communication is a key element you may be forgetting. Make things to talk about! It's a challenge, yes, but greet it energetically, and TRY : o)
God bless you both, and I pray things work out.
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