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Old 12-21-2010, 05:58 AM   #1
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Cheaters never Win

I'm struggling with believing my wife, as she states she has not been unfaithful. Evidence has been stacked up against her a mile high that forces me to believe otherwise. I want to believe that I could trust her but recent activity puts this heavy weight and sinking feeling in my stomach. I have found out that she has been texting, phone calls, secret meetings and lies to me about them ALL.
To back up a little, we have been married 9 years and have three beautiful little children that keeps us both busy. We have had our issues in our marriage that have pushed us a part in the past. I accept responsibility for ignoring or just not addressing them, and considering it the price for marriage.
I'm not a jealous person but when I'm lied to by my wife about being somewhere or speaking to someone, it really makes me feel like I lost her.
More background. I am handy and helpful around the house. This includes working with the kids on their homework, getting them ready in the mornings, laundry for all and light cleaning around the house.
Well, it angers me because in order to spend time with this special someone, my wife would leave me with the kids and do what she has too... for example: She might say she is going food shopping and meet him there, shop with him and pay for his groceries wile I am home with the kids. Then afterward "hang out". I never really questioned it until I started to notice a pattern where she would be gone longer than it would take. Anyway, I started checking phone records. Low and behold I see constant chatting and phoning between the two. When asked I get a denial. Even though I know the truth. All of the questions about the affair are returned as a lie, as I have researched and have gotten evidence otherwise.
I really want to believe she only is "helping him" out and there is nothing there, but can't seem to shake the lies and how she said she stopped speaking with him like this when she didn't.
I am led to believe we are going through this due to my lack of attention to her and insensitivity to her. Okay but that doesn't justify these actions! Why do women (general) seem to feel its okay to lie and cheat if they aren't getting certain "things" in their existing relationship and feel it is okay? So when women cheat, its the mans fault... when men cheat... its the mans fault. Face it, put the shoe on the other foot and tell me, would you believe me when I tell you nothing is going on between my secret support system who I lie to my wife about?
Now I am stuck with this overwhelming sense something has gone on and this unbelievable denial I still get even after lies exposed. I want to save my marriage and am willing to forgive, but apparently there is nothing to forgive? (since she denies anything going on). We have agreed to work on "US" but this secret swept under the rug is really dampening things. I don't want to hear get over it if you want to move on. I want to know the truth, and be given the "control" to move on if I choose.

 
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Old 12-22-2010, 06:39 AM   #2
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Re: Cheaters never Win

BoGus2011

I understand your pain with your spouse not being truthful about her actions. There is really no marriage if the trust has been shattered.
Do you know this person that she is assisting? Is there a opportunity for you to sit down with your wife (somewhere private and out of earshot of little ears) and confront her with all the facts they way you see them and than carefully listen to her explanations. If you truely want to try to save your marriage, than I would encourage marriage counselling. This may be the only way for you to get the true facts about her activities and why she is doing what she is doing. Counselling may open your eyes to how she is feeling about the relationship and hopeful open her eyes to how you feel about your relationship.
I know I am a women and I can not possibly give you any real good advice about how men feel when the women is out having a secret affair because I have never done such a thing. I actually worked 15 years to keep my marriage together, however, I failed and it was not because my husband was having an affair, it was because my husband has alcohol and mental health issues. My husband denies his alcohol issues and he thinks that if he continues to take all the medications prescribed for him then he will be fine and I need to just deal with the issues. Well the last straw was when my husband drank and then force my daughter to ride with him to pick me up from work on a very snowy evening. He was so drunk that my daughter had to give him directions to my place of employment. A few days later he told me that he just wanted to prove to me that he could drink and drive and not hurt anyone.
I know that there are lot of women who are not the most trustworthy and I am truely sorry that you ended up married to one, I hope that are able to obtain some counselling to hopefully mend the broken fence posts. You sound like a very caring husband and your kids are very fortuate to have you home caring for them.
Try to have a pleasant holiday and let me know how you doing.
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Last edited by shisslak; 12-22-2010 at 06:40 AM.

 
Old 12-22-2010, 12:32 PM   #3
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Re: Cheaters never Win

Shisslak,
Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear about your unfortunate breakup of a marriage due to addiction. That's coming from a Son a recovering Alcoholic. So I understand the challenges involved with everyday alcoholism.
For weeks on end I spent time with myself reflecting on our marriage. We have always gone through day in and day out, providing for the kids and never really thinking about ourselves. It is only recently my wife decides she wants to act "single" and "find herself". I have been told the classic "I love you but not in love with you" line. Basically, Google: "the top ten ways to tell if your spouse is cheating" and she will fit 9 out of 10.
Let's say the person she is helping is "like family".
We have gone to counseling, but during our first session she conveniently left him out of the picture. It was only when I discovered their antics when she decides to say "well I needed someone to talk to." So why lie about it when your talking to him and why lie in counseling. It's just continuous things like this that says "I AM CHEATING." But I have no hard core evidence... Evidence you say? How much do I need? Marriages have ended for less, but yet I hold on to this sliver of hope that I could be mistaken and that nothing has actually gone on between the two. I am not sure what is worst. Her not admitting to it, or me not believing her? I only feel that if she admits to an affair (which she does emotionally) we can move on. But I think it was more than that. I think they have stopped communicating now (to my knowledge) and we are supposed to be working on us. But really what has happened to bring us to this point. You straying away because of marital difficulties and me questioning your behavior. Okay, okay... you have got my attention now. but I am not that difficult to sit down and say hey, pay me some attention or we will have problems. To simple hu? Wife has to cheat to show she means business.
Here is the big picture. Her actions have made me feel betrayed. Evidence and everything pertaining to this person has been a lie to me. Everything! From how many times a day they talk, to how many hundreds (at least $1200, that I know) she has given him, to "get him back on his feet". I have mentioned it to the "family" and they help deny and hide the affair. All are angry at me because of the accusation. But I am angry at them since our marriage is not a concern to them, as they know of the questionable behavior. My wife comes from a long list of broken homes, and the man leaving the woman is always an expectation in their family. I love and care for my family. I love and care for my wife... However the wife before this cold hearten cheater. I see nothing but rage and anger and pure disregard to my feelings now. How do I love that?
I have asked my wife and him to stop talking but he disrespects me and continues to carry secret conversation with her. I have asked him to stop politely once and forcefully a second time. He responds with a threat to me... go figure... wouldn't that anger you as a wife. How dare someone talk to my husband with absolutely no respect. I have given my wife the opportunity to respond and to show her loyalty ,but she failed miserably. Showing she does not want to hurt his feelings. I apologize for ranting but all of this still rolls around my mind constantly and I my wife is wondering why I have breakdowns.
Has she soiled our marriage to no return? I don't know. I feel soooo many things have gone on that point to a cheating spouse, I can't function until I hear, "I made a mistake sweetheart, please forgive me for this". Anything else will be taken as another lie. I am trying to get over that part of it.
I am lost and don't feel I can be completely honest with my wife, since she will only become defensive and will wind up angry. I feel she wants to forget the past (what ever that is) and move on. But I feel, lets face the past so it doesn't happen again. Go figure.

 
Old 12-27-2010, 08:36 AM   #4
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Re: Cheaters never Win

BoGus2011

It sounds like you need to sit down with a counselor by yourself and get all this anger and hurt feelings out. Once you have cleared your head of all this information than you may be able to figure out how to take care of the problem.
I think that at this point the communication is broken and you have lost trust in your wife. Trust is a very hard thing to repair. My thought would be that maybe after seeking out counselling and getting someone to listen to your issues, that maybe you may want to seek out a separation from the marriage to let everything cool down and see how you wife reacts. She may realize that she in fact made a mistake and will want to try to repair the damage or you both may end up deciding that the marriage is broken and irrepairable. There are children involved and you both need to be aware of how this may be affecting them. The children and how they are coping is an issue that you both need to handle in a mature and adult way. If your wife's childhood home was broken, than she should be well aware of the lasting effects divorce has on children. Or she may be like my husband and even though he is aware of the effects parental actions have on children, she fails to recognize the consequences. You need to be the adult in the relationship and be very aware of your childrens feelings.
Feel free to vent anytime you need, sometimes it really helps to get the feelings out so that you are able to handle a situation with a clearer head.
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:43 AM   #5
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Lightbulb Re: Cheaters never Win

You are right shisslak. I'll seek some counseling for a few weeks, take a break from this all, and in the meantime maybe stop off at the local Psychic Reader and ask them to read my wife's thoughts to find out the "truth".... Just jokin'... but not a bad idea. Hmmm.

 
Old 12-30-2010, 12:17 PM   #6
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Re: Cheaters never Win

BoGus2011

Maybe we both need a Psychic to understand our spouses. My husband has not been able to give me a truthful answer in years. Just a couple of days ago when I left my cellphone at my former home, I asked him when he would be returning from his trip out of state. I wanted to meet up with him to get my phone, well he of course was not home when he said he would, so I went into the house found my phone, actually left the front light on for him and left. Well he called me at work the next day to say he could not find my phone and he actually tried to call the phone several times to see if he could hear it ringing. (I guess he forgot that your phone lets you know when you have a missed call), when I told him that I got my phone last night and that he DID NOT try to call the phone several times, he just clammed up and changed the subject.
The biggest decision you will have to make is, do you really want to stay in the marriage and hope that you will at some point be able to believe your wife when she tells you something or do you want to just accept that you may never receive a truthful answer and cut your losses and file the papers.
I hope you have a pleasant New Years Day--Jets somehow got in the playoff--think they will play New England again?
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Last edited by shisslak; 12-30-2010 at 12:18 PM.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 02:01 PM   #7
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Re: Cheaters never Win

Happy New Year,
I have been told that people lie for the strangest reasons. And not always what we think. It appears your husband did not want to look like he just "forgot". His ego may have triggered this reaction. Many of us tend to do that sometimes.

Jet's and Pat's, sounds like a date to be reconded with. Can't wait.

Hey, I just went for a rollercoaster ride since Xmas. We had a heart to heart. I explained my reservasions and she responded honestly. Or I thought she did... any event, it made me feel better. It lasted about a week of plesant communications and relations, then one day...POOF! I walked through the door one day and am greeted with attitude. We talked a bit later and it turns out the children were overwheling. Okay good... however, since then we have been back to the ho hum, cold, not so friendly stranger I have been seeing recently that makes me question her actions in the first place. Talk about spit personality. Go figure. Was it something I said!

I'll try talking again tonight. Hope she doesn't rip my head off, 'cause I am not sure how I will respond to that. What a pain.

 
Old 01-19-2011, 08:43 AM   #8
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Re: Cheaters never Win

Hey... Anybody home? Sorry 'bout your Pat's!! Maybe next year?

 
Old 01-19-2011, 08:58 AM   #9
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Re: Cheaters never Win

Hi BoGus2011

Tough game--sorry but I will be routing for the Steelers on Sunday (must, little neices and nephews would never forgive their aunt).
How is everything going with the domestic mine field?

I am scheduled to go to Probate Court on Monday, really not looking forward to this hearing.
My STBX already has a new girlfriend here in Massachusetts and another one in Pennslvania, I guess he really was hurt when his daughter and I left. Tells me all the time that he really misses us and to remember "he did nothing wrong..it was my choice".
Well I guess he has really made his feelings clear, you would think he would be happy just signing the divorce agreement and be done with the whole process but no, he has just ignored the document and will not contact my attorney to let her know what parts he disagrees with and how we could negotiate a settlement.
Hope the rest of your week goes well, more snow coming tomorrow night---more shoveling--can not wait for Spring!!!!
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