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Old 04-23-2011, 03:22 AM   #1
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love her but should i let her go

I'm really having a tough time with my separation i'm going through and hoped for some help, some advice. I hav'nt talked to anyone about this, maybe telling strangers is easier.and once you hear it you'll think just do it. The problem is, i really love her. I'm turning 50 this year, that may be why its hard to let go, i feel i'll never meet anyone as beautiful as her. I have a 29 year old son who lives in nc and a 26 year old daughter who just moved in with me in oct. When she lost her job and could'nt afford her apt.their mom died in 2005 from a brain tumor. My 15 year old son lives with me, his mom died in 2010 from leukemia. My older brother moved in with me in dec. 2010, he is unable to or just wont work, he has issues, blind in one eye and a little wacky , but i love the guy, he cared for my parents when they were sick, our mom died in 2005, our dad just died in nov. 2010 and all my dad was worried about was what would happen to my brother when he was gone, so i promised my dad i would take care of him and it gave my dad the peace of mind he needed. Now i've been with my girlfriend since 2002, i met her the day i was having an ilizarov external fixator removed from my leg, i was in bad accident in 2001 and broke my back in 3 places, my neck in 3 places, my right leg was broken in 31 places below the knee, my femur was broken in half, it should have been amputated but this genius doctor saved my leg, 47 surgeries later i still walk on this leg, it hurts like hell, but i have a leg to stand on. Two and a half years ago my girlfriend and i had a beautiful son. While i'm on disability and in pain all the time with very little relief even with all the pain meds i'm on i'm taking care of our boy. 24/7 as they say. My girlfriend meanwhile starts gambling and using crystal meth. I am ******, i tell her she either gets help or get out, i need her you know? She was'nt helping with bills or housework or anything. Well she stops doing dope. In dec. 2009 she has an abortion, does'nt tell me she had it or that she was even pregnant til afterwards, her reason, we were'nt getting along. I did'nt know we were'nt getting along. So this leads me to believe shes cheating or doing drugs, by the way she is 15 years younger than me , and currently the oldest woman i've ever been with, since my first divorce in the 80's i hav'nt dated any girl my age, they have all been between 5 and 15 years younger.so, for the last 2 years every year she becomes the oldest woman i ever dated, maybe i'm bragging, sorry. 2 months later she tells me she wants to have another baby with me, i'm thinking are you nuts? Well we end up pregnant again only doing it once without protection, oops, happy little accident. Now i know she's a little upset i let my 25 year old daughter move in with us, i know shes upset i let my older brother move in with us and i even feel a little resentment with her that my 15 year old move in full time when his mom died last year but what the heck was i to do, they are my family i had to, who else would? Well in oct. The day after my 15 year olds birthday we have a beautiful girl. The next day i'm going to a harley shop to pick up a little outfit for my newest little sunshine and i get a call to come to the hospital immediately, i'm scared i think something wrong with my new daughter or my girlfriend. I get there and i'm met by the police and they escort me to her room, my girlfriend and my daughter test positive for crystal meth! I am ******, i find out the cop was there to prevent me from hurting someone, particularly the mom, i guess. Well i woud'nt hit her but i was mad. So now cps is involved and comes to my house once a week, tons of bull$#@&, right. Ok so my gf acts as if i'm to blame that she used meth cause i brought my family members in house, and f"n cps agrees, can you believe that, so 3 weeks ago i have a sitdown with gf and 3 counselors shes been dealin with since oct. And i tell them shes still stayin gone for 8 hours some days and some days gone for 1 or 2 days while either gambling or tweeking and i want to know what the hell cps is doing? They sure as hell ain't helping my situation, i thought they would help her to stay off drugs or teach her to come home at night and to be a mom, or at least help her get a job or something she has'nt worked in 2 years i support her on my disability and i take care of kids and i do the shopping, etc. I explode, so they tell my gf i have a temper and she has to move out and take my 2 babies with her, they set her up with section 8 housing even though she has no job, no money, blah blah blah, now i have to support her on my low income on disability as it is.what the hell, meanwhile my gf still wants to date me tells me she loves me but is forced to stay at this other house, and cps gets mad when she brings the babies to my house cause they say she has to keep them at the unfurnished place with no food or anything except what i bring her. So i'm forced to take her to court to file for full custody thats the only way i can legally take them home. So... I'm asking you all, "what the heck should i do"? I know this was way long but i need some outside help, thanks to any one willing to read this tale of wooo.

Last edited by harley614; 04-23-2011 at 03:31 AM.

 
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Old 05-08-2011, 06:55 AM   #2
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Re: love her but should i let her go

First of all I want to commend you for being such a stand up guy. Many men do not have their priorities straight and with all that you are going through you are able to stay straight.

I don't and can't blame you for wanting to take her to court to get full custody it sounds like you would be the obvious person who should get full custody I am shocked that they let her have the 2 babies even though she tested postive for drug use. Maybe she needs to check into a rehab and take care of herself before you will be able to. It is true that until you take care of yourself there is no way others will.

I do not agree with her getting upset with your moving in your childrem or brother with you, I am sure she was aware that you did have children and if anything she should be proud to have a man like you in her life that will step up and be a father to his kids no matter their age.

In my opinion you need to focus on you and your family. Try to get full custody of your children see if there is anyway to get your girlfriend into a rehab facility and let her know that is it for the best or if she is now clean and has been just take it day by day with her but still get full custody of your children.

I am not sure if I helped or not, but hope I did just at least a little bit

I will keep you in my prayers.
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Last edited by angeleyz81; 05-10-2011 at 04:16 AM.

 
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Old 05-08-2011, 10:13 AM   #3
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Re: love her but should i let her go

I had a little trouble understanding your situation. I apologize if I didn't get it all right, but I would like to ask you this:
Are you absolutely sure what you feel for her is love? If you are, then all your actions from now on must be based on forgiveness. You forgive her and find a way to be a proper family again. However, no one will help her stop doing drugs but HER. She must want to stop. Otherwise, it will be a lost battle and a terrible emotional strain for all of you and especially the babies. Think straight. You sound like a very responsbile person, despite the "happy accidents" and you have a lot of people who depend on you. Are you sure you want to continue with this woman in your life? You have the experience and the guts and have managed to take care of yourself and your own in the past. Couldn't you do it again now, even if it hurts a little?

 
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Old 05-08-2011, 10:21 AM   #4
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Re: love her but should i let her go

Harley,

Let me make sure I have this straight. Everyone in your house is one of YOUR children with the exception of your brother. So what is the problem with that? If it is a good arrangement and works for you then more power to you.

You defianately need to take her to court for full custody. Find a GOOD attorney, I know that money is an issue but look in the phone book for some that specialize in custody. Many of them will offer a free consultation in which you can find out how much it will cost and what you need to do. You can do a few things to make your case stronger from the get go.

Start by obtaining all documentation that you can. Especially with your daughter testing positive for meth. If you can obtain medical records for your daughter and the test results that indicate she was positive for meth. Check to see if the police officer did a report on the incident and obtain a copy of it. The next time you are over at her house for anything, try to secretly take some photographs of the living conditions. From here on out DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Oh and did I say DOCUMENT. If she gives the kids to you and tells you that she is going to pick them up in four hours but doesn't for 48 write it down. Start a journal of everything that she does wrong. If she sends you a text admitting that she is a poor mother or she confirms that she is still using... photograph the text and try to send it to your email account so that you can print it off. In your journal, keep a brief summary of all of your contacts with her especially the highlights. Remember to keep your temper in check.

What this is going to boil down to is who looks better in front of the judge. You need to have as much information that supports your case as you possibly can. Do not do anything foolish that will get yourself in trouble. Also, do some research into Michigan law to find out if they have criminal statutes that make it a chargeable offense of child endangerment if mom does dope and the child tests positive for it. If so contact the police and see if she could be charged criminally. The fact that CPS allowed the child to remain with doper mom astounds me.

As for wanting a relationship with mom, you need to get past that. Your focus from here on out is that child. I think you have been around long enough to know that you are responsible for that child and her future. Do what it takes to give her a good one.

Good luck Harley and let me know if you have any more questions,
"JOE"
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Old 05-09-2011, 10:52 PM   #5
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Re: love her but should i let her go

i have a case number but no court date yet, i feel horrible having to take her to court, i would much rather have our family together, but you are all right about me just having to do what i have to do for the safety of the babies, and my sanity as well, thank you all. will keep you posted

 
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