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Old 04-24-2011, 07:29 PM   #1
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Completely Lost, Need so Much Help

Where to begin. Well, I have no one to blame but myself. Married for 8 years, together for 12 years with my wife. I feel weird posting this, it is not like me, but I have no one who can offer sound bias advice. I've always talked to my wife about everything... Anyways, I say I have no one to blame but myself but it takes two. For the past two years I've neglected my wife and kids. I never cheated or hit. But I did emotionally abuse, which is sometimes worse. We received a large settlement and I blew it. I blew it on gambling and drugs, and then of course she helped with quite as bit as well just not "vices." Regardless I stayed out all the time, was laid off so I took unemployment and had this money and acted like a child. Completely lost focus on what life is about, family. So I pushed and I pushed and she finally reached her breaking point.

I should mention that up until 2 months ago I had not had a drink for 12 years, even when I was acting like an idiot for that 2 years I didn't drink. I consider myself a "holic" not an addict. I've never had a problem stopping anything because I was never into "hard drugs." I had a script for an accident and I abused that more than anything. Anyways I quit drinking 9 months before I met my wife. She never met that person. No one she knows has ever met that person. well, for whatever reason I fell off the wagon and hid it from everyone. My wife and I had 3 or 4 bug fights and I pushed hard 2 times in one month, the month it ended...I am devastate, but not surprised. She has always enabled me, but she is not to blame. She still loves me and even says so. Its been a month. We live together and have a 3 & 5 year old. the kids are the most important thing to me, but she is a close second, sometimes more because, well, she is the one who is "gone." I say it like that because we still live together. we even sleep in the same bed. Now at first I thought this was a good thing and would maybe help us stay close and reconcile since she has always forgiven me. My mistake obviously, everyone has their breaking point.

I've always loved my wife and she me...she will even admit to that. She is very hurt and very mad. I promised things over and over again but rarely followed through, and if I did I would screw up again a few months down the line. That said I went 12 years without a drink. I know and she knows that when I want to do something I do...evidently I didn't want to stop acting like an ***. I am fully aware that it will/would take alot of time and effort earning her trust back. We have two kids and I am willing to do whatever is necessary to make good. I cant state this enough, we have always made up, but Im the one to blame here for 90% of what is occurring.

Now she said the other day that we should just get a separation, I should move to the spare room and we can co-parent. Her and I hang out 6 nights of the week. She comes home from work (I am currently animalistic about getting a job and have been for a while, Im in the banking industry so the going is slow, mind you I've provided for this family for the last 8+ years, only last two months have been rough) and we hang out in same bed. I rub her back, we hug, kiss(pecks), I obviously do everything for children while she works. I'm a good dad, and she would never say different. She's mad I blew the money, that I put her through hell emotionally acting like a jackass, she felt very alone for a long time now.

So anyways 12 years I got a kick in the *** I needed to realize if I wanted to be an adult and have a life I needed to stop drinking. Well, I got the same kick, only this time obviously its realizing that I want my wife and my family. She however is over it more than I realized. For the first couple weeks she was ADAMANT about getting a divorce. Now, like I said she has relented to a "separation" and a co-parent set-up. Obviously I want this because I want her and believe that once I get myself squared away with a job again and just being me again she will come back. i've been SOBER for a month. I'm over it, I'm tired, I'm just done. It has never done anything good for me in life, ever. She obviously doesn't believe me because of past patterns Can't say I blame her. Again though I believe given time she will comeback.

That is until i found out that in the last month she has met, started dating, fallen into bed and developed feelings for a divorced guy who was "just giving her advice" to help her out...She knows I know. She refuses to end it. Yet she still wants to live here with me and kids. I have to say, if we didn't have kids I would have already been gone, or kicked her out. BUT we do have kids. the kids love their mom and she loves them. I don't want my children growing up in a broken home. With the way jobs are right now, even when I do get another one it is going to be significantly less than what I make. After paying child support and rent, bills, Ill have nothing left and the same will go for her if we don't live together(she has only worked for total of 2 years out of 8 we have been married, I always have taken care of finances). this scares me personally but especially for the kids and opportunities and just living, just being kids. we both grew up in dysfunctional yet intact families. I want my kids to have us both around and not have to suffer financially.

The problem is I pushed her to the where she is and am fully aware. I never betrayed her intimacy but I betrayed her in many other ways, trust, respect, dependence emotionally, just acted ridiculous and dont know why. I plan on seeing a therapist for me, to make sure I'm ok, for the kids too. Obviously her and this other guy is a huge problem. I know whats going on and when for th most part. It is breaking my heart, yet I broker her heart. Sometime I think this is my penance. She tells she loves me. she tells me she's gonna get help too. She tells me she doesnt know what future holds and maybe we can "find" each other again but not now. I can't deal with thought of her being intimate with another man. I'm a basket case. I can still function and hold it together for the kids, but sometimes its too much and I'll cry around them. I cry 90% of the time I'm alone. I'm dying inside. I was acting like a fool. She said it was easier to accept my behavior knowing I was under the influence, knowing it "wasn't me." It really wasn't I was a good husband, good dad, good friend, good lover, good everything until this money and ridiculous behavior.

What do I do? im so torn. I obviously am a wreck but I want whats best for my kids. She says she wants to hang out every night she's home, watch tv, and "act normal." This include me giving back rubs EVERY NIGHT, making her breakfast in bed. You see I waited on her hand and foot until my accident. Bad back, surgery, recovered to 85-90%. But when the accident happened I stopped, my back was terrible for 4 years. in the last year has been the major improvements. Anyways, i always treated her like a princess, loved her, adored her, babied her, doted on her, whatever u want to call it, I did it. Now she is just mad mad mad, hurt hurt hurt and seeing someone else, yet still telling me she loves me, still wanting time together, not intimate though, but definitely "moments." When you rub someone's back and backside for hours every night that's a bit intimate. he's 34 and acting like she wants to be 24. I just don't know how to accept it or if I should. I'm so guilty over what i've done, that I believe I should deal with it but its killing men. Words cannot describe the feelings. Her actions are directly related to my actions, but I want to win her back...I'm so sorry to ramble on, but she made me promise not to tell anyone (my friends and family and support group) about her messing around. I can't say I want to, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that she's doing this, but I'm also embarrassed because if she does come back i don't want anyone to know she "cheated." I guess it's not cheating if she considers us separated and has made it clear and never has wavered from her stance verbally. Whenever it's discussed she is adamant that we are no longer together. Her actions are different though and that's alot my fault too because I allow it, i ask for it, I want it. I feel like as long as she's around there's a chance of reconcile, but when she's gone, well, she's gone and that breaks my heart. I really don't know how long I've rambled on for but I needed to. I need some input. It's my decision as much as hers...do i stay, do i go? life will be hard emotionally, financially and kids-wise if we split, but I am having such a hard time with the another guy situation I don't know what to do. If there were no kids this would be a no brainer, but they are the most important thing, yet i can't sacrifice my health either...so lost.

 
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Old 04-25-2011, 06:08 AM   #2
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hurtbad4444 HB User
Re: Completely Lost, Need so Much Help

Someone must have some advice for me. Do I continue doing everything for her? By everything let me lit what I do. I get up and make her coffee, bfast in bed, give her a back rub in the am before work, maybe bring her lunch during day. I pick her up from work, make her dinner in bed, bring her wine, do all her laundry, rub her back and back side for hours on end at night, bring her snacks in bed, scratch her back, scratch her head, neck to toe rub downs, anything she wants. This is fine for me as long as she is staying, that is until I found out about this other guy. She will see him usually once a week and sleep at his house. I don't know what to do. I love her, she still loves me and even says so. Someone out there must have some advice of some sort or words of wisdom????? I am so lost and hurt, I hurt her so maybe I deserve this??? But even if I do deserve this do I jeopardize my own sanity, my own health? If there were no kids it would be over, but I'll do anything to ensure my children have their mom and grow up in an intact family...please help.

 
Old 04-27-2011, 07:03 PM   #3
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UpAndDown1987 HB User
Re: Completely Lost, Need so Much Help

Man...... I wish I had something to say. I'm going through a divorce myself. The wife told me just a few days ago. I've been heartbroken, in a state, on medications, drinking, trying to numb the pain, everything. So I know how you feel and I'm sure there are many others here that do, too. Everybody's situation is different but when you love someone and they tell you it's over, heartbreak is always the same.

I didn't come to this board to offer advice. I came to seek it, like you did. And then I read your post and just felt compelled to reply. I'm sorry, man. I really am. I don't wish this pain on anyone. And I know how you feel when you say you made mistakes and are wondering if this is your penance. I'm in the same boat. But truthfully, I read some posts elsewhere yesterday, and there was a few, from women who said that their husbands were amazing, responsible, they couldn't find fault with them.... and yet they still were looking at other men and wanting to end it. Which kinda made me feel better.... and kinda made me feel worse at the same time. Cos you could be the perfect guy and still might be going through this ****.

One thing I will say - enough with the doting on her when she's doing this to you. She can't have her cake and eat it too. That ain't fair. No way. She's pushing you away and you're reacting the normal way by trying to pull her back again. That ain't gonna help. Push her away. Don't keep "acting normal" because things AREN'T normal. You have to confront it. What she's doing is wrong. Either she wants to be with you, you deal with your problems together, or she wants to be with this other guy. There's no middle ground there.

It's also not fair of her to ask you not to tell anyone when you NEED support from your friends and family. She's the one messing around, not you. You don't need to feel embarrassed about it, you're angry, hurt and betrayed and for good reason. Let your family and friends know. And honestly, it's gonna be hard but think about whether you really deserve to be treated this way. I would say that you don't. I don't think I deserve this right now either. And so, for me, if she decides she wants me back - I'd have to think very, very hard about it based on all the pain she's caused me even though in a weaker or more emotional state I know I'd do it.

I deserve better and so do you. Keep your head up, man. Talk to people. Cry as much as you need to. Take anti-depressants if you need to. That's what I'm doing right now. Try and think rationally, although it's hard.

My heart goes out to you, as someone in a similar situation.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 07:01 AM   #4
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Re: Completely Lost, Need so Much Help

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I know I don't deserve what happened. At the same time I am the one who pushed her to where the situation is. She never wanted this. She loved/loves me. She just wanted me to act like I always did and I screwed it up. Nothing happened with her and this other guy until after she told me we were finished.

Now, we have had a slight development over the last few days. As far as I can tell and from what she has said it is over between her this OM. I spent Monday night on the couch. she was sad. she asked me a million times to hang out, watch tv, and even sleep in the bed. I refused. I told her that as long as there was this OM then we had nothing to talk about except the house and the kids. I told her that I was here to talk about the marriage but not as long as there was this OM. she even went as far to ask me to watch tv in bed bc she was going to sleep. I said no. she was still up watching tv 2 hours later. This is also the time she told me that it was over between her and this OM. I want to believe her and I suppose I do. We share a cell plan so I can look online and see all numbers she has called or texted almost in real time. She has had no contact with him for 3+ days. this means something because before this I don't see a day for the last 3 weeks where they haven't had contact.

It is still a sticky situation. I'm not really sure how she feels. I know that on Tuesday i went back to my bed. I know she was more receptive to affection (holding, cuddling) than she has been previously. There was no pushing me away and then last night she even grabbed my arm and pulled it over her. I asked her on Tuesday if I was just torturing myself by coming back into bed and rubbing her and hanging out. She said no. I asked her again last night for clarification and she said she didn't think so. I asked her which one it was and she just wanted to avoid the topic. I think she's ashamed of herself and would rather forget what has happened. To be honest, so would I. I can swallow my pride for the children and also for her. It's pathetic, but I love her and always have and always will. I can't get away from the fact that I pushed her here. I was a complete ***hole for two years, neglecting her, neglecting the kids, basically abandoning them. that said, if there were no kids involved I would've kick her out and been done. I'm so hurt, but you know what she is too. Also last night I said I love you, out of habit really. She will say she loves me too, but not if I say it to her. In this case she replied every time that she loves me too. I think we may be taking baby steps back, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

I would in a second take her back. This isn't because I don't think I'm worthy of someone else or can't get someone else as much as it's what is right, what I want, what I know is supposed to be. All marriages are hard, especially when one checks out for periods of time. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves to make amends. Our trust has taken a huge hit both ways and alot of work needs to be done, but if we both want it then we can make it happen. If this all happened and I hadn't done anything to push her this way then, no, I wouldn't be able forgive her, but that's not the case. I own everything I've done. I just hope she can too when/if the time comes where we can reconcile. She is the love of my life. i lost sight of this and took her for granted. she then sought out the affection and attention I neglected for a long time. She;s still not convinced that I won't revert back to my old ways and I can't blame her. I've promised many times to make the necessary changes and never did. This time is different. The shock of it all has awoken me to see the err of my ways and realize that if I want a good life, with or without her, I need to keep my head on straight and not resort t substances. If I was ever going to go back to that I think it would've happened when I discovered the affair, but i didn't. And i never will.

Life is short so we both need to evaluate what is important, if we can get over the hurtful things, if we want to put in the effort to make amends, if we can forgive and from there make the best decision for ourselves to move on...Sometimes things aren't meant to be and that hurts, but not thinking you've done everything to try and make amends would hurt more. Man, I hope your decisions are the right ones for you. I say this to my wife all the time. "Listen to and follow your heart, it will take you where you are suppose to be."

 
Old 09-04-2011, 07:39 AM   #5
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Re: Completely Lost, Need so Much Help

I feel so badly for what you are going through. I only want to say that it's true.. she can't have her cake and eat it too. She's getting the best of both worlds. Ok, you've hurt her, you've admitted that. You're willing to make amends. Either she stays with you, RECOMMITS to you, and works through the problems with you... which now include her unfaithfulness (I would consider it to be such.. you were not divorced, still married!)... then I would not put up with her behavior if I were you. She's using your guilty feelings against you. You have the right to stand up and say, hey, I've admitted where I'm wrong, and I'm willing to work on this marriage, but you shouldn't have to do that while she gets to do anything at all that she wants. I think it's ultimatum time for you.
I'm not saying it's easy. Dear God, it's so hard. I'll be there in your shoes soon, and it's scary.
I'm praying for you, for strength and courage.

 
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