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Old 05-18-2011, 03:19 AM   #1
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Join Date: May 2011
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Sharala HB User
My husband just told he wants a divorce...

It's a long and winding story, I'm not in a position or in a good place at the moment to ask your understanding or even write all our story..it's too painful. I've sent a previous e-mail about my marriage in the relationship health-board to get some perspective on certain things...

Today he told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore and wants a divorce.

I know people judge us because we didn't date that long, we got married after a year of knowing each other and the first year has been troublesome. Yes, we've known each other for 2 years, married 1. I've already heard that we got together too soon and everything has happened too soon. Please if you just can look past that and help me. I moved to him to another country and during the year we've moved 3 times. It hasn't been easy and we've faced a lot of stress over work and family issues. But that's not the point.

The point is he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Not because I cheated, not because he has someone else. Not because the everyday life has stepped into our lives...but because of me being such a horrible person. He says I'm great wife but really mean person, I'm great independent woman but unable to be in a relationship. And why? Because I don't know how to communicate in a way he feels comfortable. I don't tell him everything, I don't share all that's in my mind, I make decisions without asking him. I come from a place where women and men sometimes snap at each other, they might pour their own bad day to other person at home, they might take bad feelings out on the other by being grumpy, snappy, annoyed etc. And we know it's not because of us, it's just because it's the way to vent oneself - it's not personal. People aren't always nice and talk nicely, they might say things without thinking, in a hurry, being focused on something else. And I've been doing that. According to my husband I've snapped at him during the whole year over and over again, I give him attitude, I talk to him with what-ever tone, I get annoyed so easily and take it out on him, I ignore him when he's only trying to help, I don't talk if something is bothering me but bottle it up and use it as a weapon in fights ...and yes I can say I do that. I'm not here to start making excuses that I do it because he does this or that or that there's blame in him too. I just say yes, I've done that. We've talked a lot about this - fought mostly and every time he just asked me to stop doing that and start communicating more, in a grown up level. And I can understand that! I have been trying so hard to talk in a right way, not to snap, listen and explain myself, tried to open up and share more. But it's more than 30 years of learned ways to break.....

And now he came to his end of the rope. Ending the relationship has been brought up before but this time he was serious. And I can't blame him. I've pushed him far too many times with my promises of changing myself, trying to be better and keep on failing. I seriously have tried! But I have failed ... And I'm devastated, I'm a mess now - I just cry and cry, trying to put my mind around this. I have no-one to talk to so i keep pouring this out here, in different boards..just to know that someone might be reading and hears me...

How do one survive from divorce? How do you deal with the pain and longing, missing the one you love and coming to terms with the fact that you'll never see that person again? How do you build up a new life and live with yourself when you know you have messed things up? Is there any way to fix things? Can one somehow find a way to be together again?

I know there are people who think I'm crazy for thinking about these things and holding on to the hope of not losing this man forever but that's all I have left. I have my faults and flaws, so does he, but I don't hate him, I don't resent him..I love him with all my heart and just want to be better person. Someone he can be with, trust and believe in. I just want him back! I know he's tired of me, tired of fighting and trying to explain me what he wants. I know what he wants and I've dammit tried but it's not good enough... I just want to go back in time where we, just recently were so happy like teenagers in love, telling each other how much we love and how empty we feel without each other. He's the love of my life and now I 'm losing him...lost him....and I don't know what to do ... ....I don't want a divorce, I just want to be with him!

 
The following user gives a hug of support to Sharala:
belle005059 (11-17-2011)
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:26 AM   #2
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anonnymouse HB Useranonnymouse HB User
Re: My husband just told he wants a divorce...

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like you don't have kids and for that you should be grateful.

My husband threatened divorce many times for the same reason (his love language is things-done-for and I could never do enough for him, and I mean that is on top of house, kids, cooking, and working, he would add on other stuff and it was never enough).

The horrid thing for me was that he did this after our first child was born so we stayed five years because of it, and now have two kids during our divorce.

My suggestion to you would be first and foremost, see a family counselor. Let him do what he wants--you can't control him, and begging is probably not what he wants, unless he's a psycho, he probably just wants some space. Spend some time with the counselor. At least she can hold your hand when you're crying and she might help you understand better what is going on.

Hopefully you and her can work out whether or not it is really good for you two to be together. I think at this point all you can ask him is to not divorce but just separate if he insists on making it legal.

:hugs:

 
Old 06-07-2011, 09:19 AM   #3
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Join Date: May 2011
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marty14 HB User
Re: My husband just told he wants a divorce...

I am so sorry to hear this. I am going through a similar situation (well already divorced but trying to win her back). Divorce is hard, or has been on me. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, and she just doesnt want to change. I keep praying though. My advice is to keep with these chats and boards, read on the topic, try changing yourself. After reading all these books, they say to focus on yourself, easier said than done. The divorce isnt final, he may have a change of heart. maybe he needs to think. We are all here to listen and give advice. I wish you the best.

 
Old 10-04-2011, 12:45 PM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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CKSBIGGESTFAN HB User
Re: My husband just told he wants a divorce...

I am right there with you girl. It hurts when they say it. The same things keep going through my head. I have 3 kids I have to think about. My husband wants to wait until after the first of the year to split up. If we are going to split up, I don't think I want to stay together like this. We have one child together, but the other 2 think of him as their dad. It hurts so much and nothing I say can make it better. So, do I start finding some place to live? I am like you, I moved from a different state to be with him. I left my family and friends that I had all my life. Now, 7 years later, I have my own friends here and I love his family to death. If you need someone in the same situation feel free to talk to me any time.

Thanks,

 
Old 11-17-2011, 07:26 PM   #5
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Location: New Zealand.
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belle005059 HB Userbelle005059 HB User
Thumbs up Re: My husband just told he wants a divorce...

Hi Sharala

I see your pain.. it's been 6 months since you wrote on here ..

what has been happening since?


I'm an older woman 59yrs who's been there and done that after being married faithfully for 35yrs..

I had 3 spinal ops over 3 yrs which put me in a w/chr, subsequently my husband had an affair and we eventually divorced..

So I know what your'e are feeling.. I felt ANGRY.. and CHEATED ..

My daughter misunderstood what I was going thru, as I never told her some of the horrific things he did to me..

( He was violent & raped me, he was cruel tho he never USED to be....

I had private investigators following him etc.. they caught him cheating ...

I ended up at Woman's Refuge twice , then out for a month to my sisters ..
It went on for 2 yrs )

My daughter had a little baby & daughter, they were the focus of her life at the time..

when we split in 2003 she didn't believe why I felt that way towards him .. she was oblivious ..

It's taken another 8 yrs for her and I to become Friends /mother & daughter again..

I've never burst her bubble about her father..
I'll let her believe what she wants..

All I know is I was a great mother to both her and her brother all those years.. I was their steady Rock .. he was never there for all their years growing up..

He was selfish & away hunting all their lives.. which he acknowledged after she got married..

So now I'm living on my own, have recently met a lovely man a few months ago..

I see my G/kids twice a week,,...

My ex has re -married that woman.. he's not very happy at times
( it's her 3rd marriage) so that says it all !!

And I'm really happy with my life..

But what's happened with you Sharala after all this time.. ??

let me know if you or your friends see this ??..

I'll be thinking of you...

With Love n Hugs.. belle

 
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