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Old 06-01-2011, 12:00 AM   #1
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Why be so mean and cruel?

I have always been a person who is passive and not aggressive and does not like confrontation or to hurt others. You know the saying, "Treat others as you would want to be treated."

Of course, I'm one of those men who is devoted to his family, loving and supportive and then after 6 years constantly get the "I'm unhappy speech" from the wife but she speaks in riddles and doesn't really explain the unhappy part so corrective measures can be taken.

Then she gets on facebook, brings an old "friend" of the family in to visit. The "friend" leaves and two days later questionable txt messages are found on her cell and I'm accused of invading privacy so I appologize and let it go. Then the little voice inside called, oh lets see, God maybe, or intuition eats at you so you decide to check out her facebook and what do you find but countless messages back and forth for 2 months prior to the "friend" visiting that are nothing but pure smut between the two, graphic at best that indicate both had sex while the "friend" was in to visit. The you speak to the wife about that and of course you're told it was all a joke and she then gets nausia and throws up. The two days later she embarrases you at a family function by stating she is divorcing you and blaming you for it all and that he is "just a friend" and that's all it ever will be. Then you call the jerk up and he denies it too and says it's a joke. Then at temp hearing you give up the house and low and behold, 6 days later, the jerk moves up from another state and into your home. Yeah, he is "just a friend" living in your house with your family where the are small impressionable children. He and she and God above know their dirty secret of a relationship based on lies and deception. Wow that is a concrete ground for a good healthy relationship, like standing in crap.

Both the ex and "the friend" know you despise what they did and know how you deetest him. Yet you are coaching your son's little league team and she is so disrespectful to bring him to the game knowing what she did. Knowing how much you hurt. And then there is the jerk. Knowing how hurt and angry you are and yet the nerve to show up at something that is suppose to be father/son.

Why are people who file for divorce if that is what they want and know the hurt they have caused another person. Especially someone who they made vows to and was suppose to care about so hurtful and show disregard for feelings?

Why hurt them more and turn the fork that is already in their chest?
Why be so mean if you wanted the divorce to start with and want everything to include the home and all assets?
What happened to integrity and caring what others think and how they feel?
How many of you reading this thread have a similar situation and how have you learned to deal with it?

You know how I deal with it. I get sick at my stomach, nervous and go off and puke. And then count the minutes until I can get away. Takes any enjoyment out of what should be quality father/child time.

 
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Old 06-01-2011, 12:29 AM   #2
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

My dear Clueless, I have read your first post, last!
You are so right in feeling so hurt! I know how you feel. I have been in the same boat, but did not end up divorcing since I had decided to forgive and forget. Which was something very difficult, but at the end of the day worth doing...This however, took its toll on me and I ended up with eight years of severe anxiety and panic disorder....
You however, seem to be holding on to your self respect and are able to rationalize, talk about and ultimately get over this entire messy business. I am really pleased for you.
Why do people behave like jerks is another matter. We are all humans, we all have all sorts of weaknesses and some of us have lower/ non-existent moral standards. Still others are cowards and prefer to hide behind their little finger than come out and say what they feel and what they have done and face any consequences bravely and 'manly'.
The question is how do we preserve our sanity? We do not, unless we are pretty self- confident to start with and have a good sense of self- respect. If, like me, you have a low oipinion of yourself, then what they do to you, pushes you even lower to the ground. Until you decide you have had enough, pick up the pieces and ulimately your self- respect and move on . You are doing this and it is good. The last challenge is for you to put everything else to the back of your mind and try to FORGIVE, because this is the only way that you will find peace in yourself. Take care and good luck!

Last edited by thaliak; 06-01-2011 at 12:30 AM. Reason: added word

 
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Old 06-03-2011, 01:30 PM   #3
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

Hi clueless.
I am going through the same ordeal and understand completely(a terrible divorce from a very vintictive man). I too care more for others then myself and give alot(financially, and emotionally to a man who is now on his 3rd divorce)...and unfortunately at age of 37 I have come to realize that this is not working for me anymore. And I desperately need to change.

The only positive is that I will be stronger for it. And that this too will pass.
I wish you well.

Also thank you thaliak for your wise reply.

 
Old 06-04-2011, 04:24 AM   #4
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

My husband left me April 1st..(April Fools Day! and I really thought he was playing a joke on me when he was packing up...He did it so cowardly..said he had been so unhappy for years and felt so guilty for leaving me since I have no family and couldn't do it before, etc. Since he has been gone, he has been the most EVIL and CRUEL human being...I DO NOT know this man now at all..He is not the loving person that I married and was for the most part in the marriage, even towards the end..He was tired of the responsibility of marriage, tired of taking care of horses, dogs and cats with me, that mostly I loved, but I THOUGHT he did too ( we had no children)..I couldn't understand how he could leave them behind..He has made it CLEAR that he wants nothing to do with me or them ever again (not directly..too cowardly to actually come out and say it..just lied that he would until he got a legal way out)..Our two horses are 13 years old..have had them since babies..One of our dogs is 11 and sick..He said he wants the ties completely cut, that he feels that is best. I am thinking, my goodness, can't we at least be friends or civil? Was there NOTHING good about our marriage?..He has filed a restraining order against me that I have a hearing for and had to pay 600 bucks I do not have for an attorney to represent me..I will also be served with divorce papers I found out, at that hearing from his lawyer..gee can't wait..I know my husband has the restraining order because it gives him an excuse to not have to come around where I live to help with hay and hard chores...He is DONE..I am totally on my own with just a few farm neighbors to help..I am abandoned..He ACTUALLY asked one of the neighbors if he could help me..LOL..like it is his responsibility? I was crying on the phone different times after he left, and I heard things like, "I wish you would blow your *&(^ brains out, you are an &*^% loser, you are disgustingly fat..(yes I gained some weight in the years but he NEVER said a word) It was like it all came out at the end!! Passive aggressive for years or what?? He has a well known lawyer and I can't afford one like that...He told me he is so happy to finally be away from me, that he is finally free...He made me feel like he was in a cage for years..Isn't he responsible for making his choice to leave and should have years ago? I am NOT going to accept that blame any longer..I have been in weeks of counseling since this has happened and I think he will be surprised at my strength when I see him at the hearing next week, for the first time in 10 weeks...Tracy

 
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:11 AM   #5
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

Wow, it's amazing how there are so many others just like me who are hurting and we all need love and hugs to get through this. I'm finding out it is one of the biggest struggles and it's such a lonely road to travel through this process. I hurt everyday and it's true. You go through 5 stages in no certain order: shock, denial, hurt, anger, and acceptance. I think I am at the hurt and anger stage at the same time and it's been a year since she left and this process started. In fact, our final divorce hearing was 6 months ago, still no divorce decree and there are still unresolved issues like credit card debt and the marital home. Nothing has changed for her, other than I'm not in the picture any longer. I was replaced long before I even knew what was going on. It's true what they say, "love is blinde." I truly loved her and could have died for her. She and her lover are living currently in a house I built with my credit, which she destroyed and everything is in my name from house to c.c. cards. It takes a man of very low moral character to move in and destroy a family and a woman of even lower moral character who is married to defial her vows and just shows she has no integrity about her. I hope and pray each dat for strength to just get through the day and for my son to be safe. I'm left with nothing, forced to live with my parents while she has it all. It's like a thief who has gotten away with robbery and the justice system. Well, I don't see any justice when those who do wrong to others winde up with it all and not even a slap on the wrist. We have a hearing to resolve our biggest asset (the house) and the c.c. debt (which she agreed to pay 50% and I've been the only one making payments) to this point. It's apparent she has not got the refinance loan and I don't feel after 6 months she should be given another opportunity to prolong my anguish and pain of living in a stagnat stage where I can't even get a place to call my own. I hope when we have the hearing that's scheduled for June 30 that the family courts will do the fair and just thing in ordering her to make payments on c.c. debt to assume 50%, order the house sold and put stipulations on it while it is on the market and a follow up hearing. I also hope the family courts order her to divide my sons personal belongings equally so we both have some things for our son. I'm not cruel, but shouldn't things be equal? Actually, seeing that she was the one who left, committed adultry; she should get less but we don't live in fair society and the justice system really sucks. It seems (and don't take offense) that women have all the power and courts favor them over men. We have both worked the entire marriage and I actually did more of the parenting than she did in the 6 years of marriage. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I could never cheat, have too much self respect for that and don't want the label in society of a cheater. She too said awful and vial things to me as well, very hurtful things in front of her family. I even felt that certain members of her family were in on it, that it had been planned for some time and how they would do it; but that is just my oppinion from things that have happened. Just examples of things that's been done to me in last year. She and her family brought this "old family friend" in (who I've never heard of) from facebook to visit. I took him in, was kind, even offered job to him because he was going through divorce. (At least that's what I was told) He left after two weeks, went back to his state. Days later I find txt message (of questionable nature) and 5 months of facebook messages between the two of them that were nothing but smut and even eluded to the fact that they fooled around while he was in her. Her cell bill was $400 from txt and calls to him. (you decide if she was cheating). I asked her. She denied and went off about invading her privacy. I dropped the issue. Then she popped me for divorce. I tried to talk, txt, call, beg, plead because of everything we'd built together and our families but she accused and threatened me with harrassment charges. Wanted absolutely nothing to do with a man that gave her everything and was there for her through so many rough times, surgeries, her almost dying, her mothers illness and so on. Just an example of some of the evil things they have done. He father sued me in court claiming he loaned me money when he didnt'. (He gave her money) She lied on the witness stand, but because they could provide no evidence, I was found not guilty. Knowing how hurt I am and what they've done to me. They show up at my son's little league game (I am the coach). She brings the other man (who has never come before and we've played games for two months) to my son's game and parades him around and both just look at me. It makes me a nervous wreck when I'm trying to work with the kids and then I throw up out of disgust and nervousness. I guess she and he wanted to parade him around in his "Barney Fife" police uniform where he had just got a small town police officer job. Guess they wanted to intimidate me. All they did was make me uncomfortable and sick at my stomach. I passive and not aggressive, the worst type of person to mess with because it takes a lot to set those types off but when the fuse is gone; look out. I've never blown my top but they are pushing me toward that. And a city cop uniform does not intimidate me. He puts his pants on same as I do and a uniform does not make the man. Character does. Some of the parents of the kids actually gathered around me to keep me busy and distracted from them. It was parents who went to the church that we both us to attend when she had morals. How people can do this is beyond me, don't they care how others view them and what they think? No one knows what it's like to have nothing, have to go to your own home to pick up your child and see the OM stuff all over your porch, his vehicled parked in your driveway. It's sickening, I get nervous, heart pounds, and I throw up every time I have to go and pick my son up. I dread it every time. And the ex, we don't even speak. Not as much as an appology for all the pain she has caused not only to me but to our child, my family, certain members of her family. It's been awful. I do feel for you. Too bad you are far away. I would help you with your farm. At least it would give me something to do. I've been to counselling, been put on anti-depressants and nothing has really helped. I think if we have the hearing and they rule the way I want and the house to be sold out from under them both, then I think I could move on knowing she never got away with it and there was consequences for her actions. I think I would have closure to know that we both went out of the marriage equally except for the fact that she has someone and I have no one. I always thought I was pretty independent until this happened. It's awful to live in silence, to know have someone to confide in, lay your head on, get a hug from, and know you have a purpose. I know I have a purpose for my son and that is all that keeps me going. I volunteered to coach to give me something to help keep me busy and it's been wonderful. But still, when the game is over, you're back to silence and having to set alone and think of everything while the other person; life has not changed, surroundings have not changed, they have a home, they have friends and seemingly it all.

 
Old 06-04-2011, 07:12 AM   #6
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

By the way, Thanks Tracy for your reply. If you need, just drop me a line message. We are all on here for support. Jim

 
Old 06-05-2011, 06:52 AM   #7
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

Hi again. I needed to reply to the worst kind of a person is a passif person...does being passive or I like to think polite enough not to answer back such abussive action(and dear god I know) make you a better person. You are not playing at same level and your mutual friends should side with you. This is what happened with me, it was very difficult to stand back and not answer but now he looks like a complete jerk to all our mutual friends and no one will associate with him. Why do you believe that the other person is in a better place? It usually is never the case.
I like to believe that you can never change such a situation, but your attitude towards that situation can change.
I wish you everyone the best of luck.

 
Old 06-05-2011, 07:59 AM   #8
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

In terms of marital possessions, she is in a better place while I am having to live with my parents. She is still in a $200K home that I built. Unfortunately enough for me, I was stupid enough to have her name added to the mortgage so to try and help her build her credit. In the 6 years of marriage, little did I know; that she was destroying my credit and hers. Enough said, there's the OM who is living in a home I built too and moved in just two weeks after the temporary hearing. Yes, I am a passif; I hate confrontation and I get so nervous and sick at stomach anytime people make scenes or try to make a scene. When this happens, I just want to hide. I'm not a coward at all, but I am an adult and try to act the part and care how others see me as a person. I stand for truth and morals. Example: Just 5 days ago, I'm on a little league baseball field trying to get my team together (5 year olds t-ball) to include my son and coach game. The whole season has went by and the ex has showed up by herself with just her daughter and this day what does she do. She shows up with her sister, which I don't care about that; but then this male friend that I thought was a friend of mine too shows up (He knows what is and has been going on and sides with her. But my oppinion is that he always wanted her himself. To make things worse. The OM shows up wearing his "Barney Fife" small town police uniform, like they were trying to make a statement just to hurt and embarrass more. Such low lifes with no integrity about them. Now if he thinks a police uniform intimidates me, it does not. He has not had a job in a year and just got one apparently. This was a family activity with my son. This was very out of taste to do. Yes, I know. They succeeded at what they probably set out to do which was make me sick enough to puke. Sad, this is for my son. Don't ruin it for him. As for me, I did the absolute opposite of what I should have done when we got married 6 years ago. I gave up my family and friends and just associated with her family and friends so I have no close friends. It's a lonely life. If anything has come out of this. I have realized I should have been different and kept ties with all of those people close to me. There wasn't any reason why I did what I did and she did not force me to do it. It's just one of those things where we happen to live close to all of her friends and family and we didn't to mine. Plus, I did as a spouse should do. I centered my life around her, my immediate family, and work. You know the drill, work, wife, family, home. We had a large house and property and when I wasnt at work, there were always chores and things that needed done so I was strictly just the family man. I lost my identity and it became the identity of husband, father and provider. She works and holds a job too but her priorities were the opposite as I look back with different eyes now. Her priorities were Me (herself), family (her family and sisters), friends (her friends), and lastly the kids. Notice I never put myself anywhere in there. Sounds like a selfish self-centered person right? That's because she is. It's all about her and what she wants. She was the youngest of 3 and had everything handed to her while the others got the crumbs. Her parents fought and her father left her mother for 5 years, never divorced. Her mother move man in on kids when they were young and dated several men. When her dad was broke and with nothing, he called her mother and she took him back. To this day, both of them still fight. Screwed up life right. I on the other hand was raised in a home of love, sacrifice, and devotion. I never saw my parents fight and both were well respected in their community, thus forming the views and character I have today. I suppose we are a product of the way we are raised. That's the only thing I can think of. I do hope and pray to God that what you say holds true and that I will know when everyone looks at her like a fool. I hope that she will regret it all and this relationship she has now will faulter and fall apart. I can never go back. There is nothing to go back to as far as relationship goes because the trust is broken. Even her parents have lost my trust and respect. And I certainly can't ever live in my own home, not after the both of them have lived in it and screwd in it. I just want what is fair and for the courts to evict them and order the sell of the house. She can't afford it, keep it up, nor get a refinance loan on her own. It's the right thing and fair thing to do so that both of us leave the marriage equally. Then we'll see what the OM is made of to take on a ready made family with that type of responsibility and provide a roof over their heads. She works too and always has so I owe her nothing. It should be a 50/50 split even thow I contributed a whole lot more during the marriage than she ever tried to. It was my sweat and credit that built that home, not hers; she had nothing. I even got her the job she has.

 
Old 06-05-2011, 09:46 AM   #9
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

I am so sorry clueless...it is a horrific but I really think my ex is related to your ex to me. Mine had 1.7 million in debet, 2 divorces behind him, an inability to have children which he hid from me, a father and mother that does not love him and terrible mood swings...and let's not forget the 19 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he wanted to move into my house. And in return what did I do, I let him move into my house bc he had no house of his own(lived on top of the factory that the banks had claim to), treated him to gifts, VIP tickets, vacations bc he had no money and I have my own successful software company. Worst of all I convinced my father to give him a big stadium construction which my father is the architect of...guess what happened there, he screwed it up and got in a fight with the workers and thus got taken to court. 2 years of once I make it big I will be responsible for you, guess what he sold some property got alittle money and said thank you for looking after me. And the worst he calls to get his half bottle of lens solution and he sends messages to my father about me which is the worst. I don't answer any of his calls but he calls to tell me that I was too successful for me, too young(12 years difference) and my family is too society but he now has money to get any woman he wants! He also joined the golf club I am member of to show it off. The only greatful part of this is that we did not have a kid...image that.
So I got played bc I loved this broken man and felt sorry for him bc all the woman in his life did leave him...five and counting.
Sorry I shared this story with you but you are not the only one going through it. I know this does not help but focus on yourself and your son. I run marathons and have taken on more software projects which helps me and yes I have gotten back with old friends. Like yourself I was secluded from family and friends but the moment I asked for their help they came back to my life. Yours will too.
Also I have always believed in a universal justice...I pretty much guarantee that there are better people for the both of us out there. Take care of yourself and have a good week.
So another horrific story-I got played bc I loved but more impor

 
Old 06-05-2011, 03:04 PM   #10
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

Thank you missmis. Sounds like we have lots in common.

 
Old 06-12-2011, 09:22 PM   #11
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

you wouldnt want her back never would trust her better let it go move on shes been lookn back and that gets expensive some women are not taught to be faithfull or loyal a cheating woman isnt worth having for any reason when you are ready let her go

 
Old 06-12-2011, 09:35 PM   #12
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

you dont want her back would not ever trust her no time no money for her now she wasnt taught loyalty or faithflness when ready reach out again

 
Old 06-16-2011, 06:02 AM   #13
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

Hi Mrclueless,
Just wondering how everything is going? Just wanted to give you an update, given that I only shared my experience on this board and 2 of my dear girlfriends. There is someone very special in my life now, I have known him for 5 years and he is the complete opposite of my ex. Although I am having trusting and opening up to him given the terrible experience I went through (and still going through bc we are in the same environment), it is something to be positive about. As I have always said, your luck has to turn around eventually, it is the law of averages!
Take care of yourself.

 
Old 06-16-2011, 10:09 AM   #14
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

Thanks for the update Missmiss.

I am happy that your luck, love, and life seem to be turning around and I wish you the best. I'm certain my life will turn around as well, I just have to have hope and faith.

 
Old 06-16-2011, 10:19 AM   #15
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Re: Why be so mean and cruel?

Absolutely, hope and faith are very important. Even if this relationship does not work for me (because of my insecurities and trust issues due to my previous experience ) there are good people out there. And I am stronger for it. We all are.

Take care of yourself!

 
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