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Old 06-24-2011, 04:25 PM   #1
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Going through a terrible divorce

I'm 35 and going through a terrible divorce. It's all about custody of my two beautiful children. It is so hard and depressing for me because I was so attached to them and having a history of depression makes it that much worse. She is trying to use my past against me having known when she married me that I had troubles in my youth. I have social anxiety as well and I think I am helpless because I never went after what I really wanted which is why I feel like I am getting punished now. I did not even date. It just happened totally unplanned. Now with two kids and being the man I am very scared and fearful. No life, no money, no future. I still have a job thankfully but everyone at work notices my despair and what I am going through. It is quite embarrassing and shameful to me. All I wanted was to make amends with my wife. For a long time I was treating her and the children on vacations and weekends as we were split, suddenly she pulled a nasty one on me to get a upper hand in the case. I have a good lawyer but she is claiming that I verbally abused her and the children. It gets worse even but I am not going to spill everything here. If I make it through this it will be a miracle.

 
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Old 06-28-2011, 12:24 PM   #2
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Wink Re: Going through a terrible divorce

what is troubling about your post is not the problems you're facing: they are very common. I don't mean to play them down only to underline the fact that people the world over have emotional breakups to contend with daily. What I (and anyone willing to look) can see is how ready you are to denigrate yourself, close all your doors, trap yourself in a self destructive way. That is what you have to stop doing, immediately. You are as worth while as anyone else, with all the possibilities for growth and change. And it is likely that you have strengths you've never thought possible. But first of all you must stop attacking yourself. It's the worst thing you can do; it won't help or lower your level of anxiety. Beating yourself over the head will not make it any less painful when someone else does it. That's the major reason people do it. It's like saying if I put myself down when someone else does it, it wont feel so bad. Yes it will! We are social creatures and need the respect and acceptance of those around us.

Consider what you're saying about your relationship with your children, how much you love them. Obviously you are and have been a good father. That's a real achievement; take credit for it! It's also likely that you've been a good and loving husband too. It's is never completely clear why people end marriages, why one what's to stay and the other one wants to leave. Don't take all the blame. It may not be a matter of blame. You're too quick and to eager to plunge into self reproach.

If as you say you're suffering from depression and anxiety resulting from a traumatic childhood, then take heart. I've been there too. I found a good therapist and later a group of men who were having the same experience and over time I learned how to like myself and grow my self esteem. Above all else, I learned not to attack myself but rather to see myself as the hero of my story. You too can do that and must for the sake of your children and youself. No one can turn your children against you if you go on showing them you love them by being there for them when they need you. Even if they end up living with you ex-wife, they will respond to you based on how you treat them and the love you express when they are with you. Children judge us not by what people say, but by what we do or don't do for them.

Now take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say "I'm going to get through this and be a much better person for it because on many levels I like myself. I'm going to take that and build on it so that my children will benefit from it. Things may look dark now, but tomorrow they're going to be bright because I'm basically a good person." Say that to yourself everyday as many times as necessary. Push negative thoughts away. They only bring you down. You have a lot going for you, if you'll only look. In short, take this lemon and make some lemonade. Remember we are here for you, but we can only be supportive; you have to take the steps that will change the way you see yourself. Yes, if you're able find a Therapist or group and start working on changing your image of yourself. Hang in there and all the very best.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-17-2011 at 09:41 PM.

 
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Old 07-05-2011, 04:45 PM   #3
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Re: Going through a terrible divorce

Awlright, you hit the nail on the head. Indeed I am self-destructive and always focus on the negatives and what I don't have. I am trying to seek help but its hard to find the right therapist. I need one on one intensive. Thanks for your post. I cried.

 
Old 07-05-2011, 10:46 PM   #4
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Wink Re: Going through a terrible divorce

you're on the right track. I know you'll find what you're looking for. The important thing is that you are aware you have a problem and are prepared to solve it. That's the most therapeutic step and you've already taken it. GREAT. Now don't give up on yourself. Find that therapist and get to work. You've got the courage that it takes to face yourself and turn your life around. All the very best, Your friend Awlright.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-17-2011 at 09:43 PM.

 
Old 07-07-2011, 06:45 AM   #5
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Re: Going through a terrible divorce

Wow, what encouragement from a man to a man. I really appreciated all the advice you gave to our friend who is going through a very emotional time. Yes, we all have to pull ourselves up by the shoe straps and find help and counsel with someone who will help with emotional and depression problems. I remember when I was so miserable I went and bought lots of self-help books and went to a therapist and he said that if I applied the thinks I had read that I would find tools to help me get over my depression and not put myself down. I realized that I could be my worst enemy or my best friend and not to talk to myself in a negative way. We need encouragement from ourselves and be with encouraging friends - men with men and women with women. We need to stay away from critical, judgemental and toxic people and teach our children how to be emotionally healthy. Best wishes to you.

 
Old 07-18-2011, 01:38 PM   #6
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Re: Going through a terrible divorce

4NewPath,

How are you doing? Were you able to find a good therapist? Are you able to spend time with your children often?

Hope things are looking a little more promising or peaceful or hopeful for you.

 
Old 07-19-2011, 05:24 PM   #7
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Re: Going through a terrible divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curious One View Post
4NewPath,

How are you doing? Were you able to find a good therapist? Are you able to spend time with your children often?

Hope things are looking a little more promising or peaceful or hopeful for you.
Hanging in there. No, to see an old therapist has a 30 day waiting period. I have seen someone I don't like. I am going to make an appointment.

I spend time with my children but not enough. I miss the fun we used to have like kicking the ball, hide and seek, flying the kite, and so forth.
I was always the planner for fun and trips and I miss it very much.

Divorce seems to hurt men more and punish them from all angles. It is the worst experience of my life. I now understand why men become so bitter after a divorce and say never again! Divorce is for the rich and famous. When your poor it is so much harder. I wonder how many men are locked up in US prisons for not paying child support? Some of these lost their jobs in the downturn of the economy. It is so scary to be behind the curve in education and then get divorced. Jail leaves a criminal record and the worst part is a loss of contact with children and loved ones. Most judges and masters favor the mothers for custody which is totally unfair! Our customs all look good on paper but the truth always comes out. Just look at the statistics...One in seven divorced men end it for themselves. It is sad!

 
Old 07-20-2011, 05:45 AM   #8
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Re: Going through a terrible divorce

Hi, I am a woman who didn't have a lot of education and a good job when I had three sons and divorced my husband. I tried to keep my sons for a year but with a low paying job and my husband having a better paying job, I gave them to him to raise and for me to have visitation. It was extremely hard and he went and moved my sons to the West Coast and I stayed on the East Coast, long story. He didn't work and lived on the State and when Oregon found out I was working they came after me for child support. I had to go before the judge and ask for a reduction of payment since I didn't make enough to afford child support for three sons or to live each month. The judge reduced my support but it was tough. I understand how you feel and I'm sorry you lost your job. You need to go to the judge and tell them what happened and that you can't make the child support payments so they will not think you are irresponsible or put you in jail. You have a tough time and I hope you have some people who will be there to encourage and help you through this. Divorce is painful for everyone involved. If you children live in the same town make sure you try to spend as much time with them as you can. I missed out on my children's young lives and tried to fly out to see them when I could. They are finally trying to have a relationship with me after being so angry with me for trying to do what was best for them. Best wishes.

 
Old 07-24-2011, 01:19 PM   #9
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Re: Going through a terrible divorce

Renko,

I did not lose my job, thankfully I still have one. I was just posting my thoughts. Thanks.

 
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