Hi, My son came to see me this morning and I knew something was terribly wrong as soon as I saw him. He looked gaunt and exhausted and very thin. I had not seen him in a couple of months and the change in him was scary. He said Mom don't cry but I just left my wife and moved in with a friend. I of course asked him what was going on and he said he found out amoung other things, that she has had an affair since they were married 13 years ago. They have 2 kids, aged 13 and 8. He also said she is not paying the bills even though she told him she had been and he also found out they are over a year behind on their property taxes which he found out by accident and he did give her the money to pay them. She has refused for years to get a full time job at first because the children were young and now because she doesn't want to get a job, she doesn't clean the house and she doesn't like to cook. But she does love to go shopping and spend money that should used for the expenses. He works 12 hours a day on a 3rd shift job and he is so depressed and angry and so worried about the kids. He said he just had to get out of there and think of what he wants to do. He feels betrayed and angry. I didn't ask him for alot of details I just felt it was more important to let him talk. He is scared for the kids if he leaves permanately but he does not know how much more of her he can endure. He has tried to help her budget, tried to trust her she keeps promissing to change but she never does. I don't know what to tell him though I did ask him if he would consider counseling as a good alternative to divorce and he said she refuses everytime he brings it up. She told him if he had the nerve to try to divorce her, she would take him for every cent he makes in child support and alimony. I raised a good child and a good man, he is loving and responsible and to see him so dragged down and depressed is breaking my heart. Any one with any suggestions I might give him would be really appreciated. His heart is breaking and I want to help him and I don't know how. Thank you.
Yes, that is what I already told him. Unfortunately the nearest mens right lawyers (we live in hickville usa) is over 2 hours from where we are. The other prob which of course she has thrown at him is that 2 of her relatives are lawyers and she has the capability of getting lots of free legal advice. He is truly concerned that she is going to take him for everthing. He has no prob providing for the children, he just hates the idea of supporting a dead beat mama. Thanks for writing back.
My first concern would be for the children. I would have him go to family court and get those kids out of there while things get straightened out. If she is that poor with money, is she neglecting the children's needs? Have they had regular medical and dental care, for example? Where has all the money gone that she has gotten to pay the bills? I would also have him get a full accounting of all the bills and see where everything stands. Do they own their own home, and is it in arrears as well? Can you help with the children while things get straight?
At this point he has left the family home and the longer he is absent the more things can go on that will make it harder for him to get them back. I am so sorry for all he is going through, but I am not sure that simply leaving is helpful...he needs access to all the accounts first. She could easily do things out of spite that will make things worse for him the longer he stays away. He could be seen as abandoning his family. That would be my biggest concern for my son.
So sorry and we hope he has the energy and support he needs to handle all of this right away. I know it is hard, I would be heartbroken for him as well.
Thanks for the reply. She is a fairly good parent, the children are fed and clean but are both terribly confused about everything. He is going to completely take over the finances and try to figure out what has happened. My husband has offered to help him work out a reasonable budget. Yes, my son and his wife know I am always there for the children, day and night. I did take the younger 1 for the weekend when things were really chaotic. The oldest has been staying with other relatives for about a week now and is safe and as happy as can be expected at the present. In spite of all the chaos, I would like to see this relationship maintained if at all possible. As long as there is still love there and I believe there is, there should be hope that the marriage can continue. Maybe I am a dreamer but I am still praying for a peacefull agreement to be reached, 1 way or another. Thanks to all of you for reading and a special thank you to those who took the time to answer. K
I completely agree with you about doing everything possible to work things out, and hopefully she is willing to do her part to make things work. Just maybe the financial part was just overwhelming to her and she was afraid to admit it, or something along those lines. As long as she was not acting malicious, that can be fixed. I hope your son has not had his heart broken by the affairs and this latest deal with the money. If he can get past all that, he is a real good man. He is so lucky to have both of you on his side, to help him through this. I hope the very best for your entire family, as this is a family issue, not just involving the two of them, quite the contrary! I really believe in getting everyone together in times like this, to share advice and offer comfort to all affected.The children will be ok, as long as they are not ever put in between any of this, or have to be exposed to any fighting or arguing. Kids always tend to make themselves to blame when their parents split, however far that is from the truth. With lots of love and understanding, hopefully all with get back to where it should be, and with a few adjustments to the bookkeeping for example, everything can be settled some way or another.
Please keep us updated on how things are going...we would love to see this have a happy ending for all!
Hi again, I heard from my DIL for the first time in about 2 weeks. I had made up my mind not to contact her as long as they are separated. He is still living apart though providing them with financial support as well as seeing the kids on a daily basis, having meals with them etc. I have not seen him my self since the 1 visit and decided I would give him space to think. My feeling is he needs all of us to back off for a month or so and let him work this out in his own mind. She in the meantime thru me a loop in as much as she said she got angry with him last nite and basically gave him an ultimatum of poo or get off the pot, either divorce me or come back home. I let her know I was not comfortable discussing my son or their marriage with her, (hello, he is my son?!) and after stating if he left her for good she would sell the house and give him full custody of the kids. I found that quite an unsettling thing for her to say. I was hoping she would be thinking of more constructive ways to save her marriage if it indeed can be saved. I am baffled by her attitude, my husband thinks she is trying to use me as a pawn to get him to move back home. I wil not call my son for her. I am not going to get in the middle of them. Anyway, that is the only update I have. Thanks again for being here. It is rough. K
The following user gives a hug of support to Kaseyjcf: writeleft (07-22-2011)
Oh, what a spot she has tried to put you in, and I am completely behind you in keeping their matters between themselves. I am so sorry you are in this position in the first place. Weird that she would be so quick to want to sell the house and give the children to him, and I really hope for everyone's sake that they can find a better resolution than the one she has planned. Sounds like she is using some scare tactics to force him into a decision. Hang in there, and feel free to use this board to blow off some steam if you need to...a good rant can really help clear your head sometimes, and we understand that completely.