17 years gone in a flash
Hello. I'm new here but I knew someone who used the site through tough times and received helpful advice. I know I can't find answers here I guess I just would like people outside the box to voice their opinions. Just a warning this is probably a long one, because it is a snapshot of 32 years.
My biological father was an alcoholic, my mom divorced when I was 3 and the last time I saw him or heard from him was when I was 15. my mom remarried. We moved and for the next 12 years I basically stayed in my downstairs bedroom in very large 2 story house. All the while there was yelling, hitting, etc. I was always verbally abused, put down, told I was doing things wrong all the time. When I hit 15 I suffered from depression really bad. School was hard, made me feel worse seeing bad grades. I had gotten to the point of being so bottled up and tired of everything I attempted to cut my wrist, but it was too hard. When my stepdad found out, he started hitting on me in the car, mom called the cops and he was arrested. She divorced after that. That same freshman year I met the love of my life.
I wasn't going to complete high school so I dropped out my junior year and started working odd jobs. There was a program called running start that let you leave high school early to start a technical college. My gf and I both decided to go to an automotive tech school because we both loved cars. It was full time so we spent about 7 months in class together every day. Sometimes it was tough, but we had started living together, I had my own place for a while, then I moved in with her mom. I dropped out of the college to pursue computers, and she kept going for the next 3 years. During that time she became close friends with another guy. I guess after college he professed his love, it seemed mutual so she told me there was someone else she wanted to be with. I remember being so unable to handle it I was a wreck and she decided to stay with me. We rented a house together and I became working as a computer repair technician and things were going very well. After a visit to see my mom and the rest of my family, I decided to move back. I really didn't think she would go and when I told her I remember she asked "Aren't you going to ask if I'll go?". I asked and she came with me. It was tough for a while not having any work connections, staying at a family member's house and feeling like we went backwards. Eventually we got our own place, I got my G.E.D. then I got loans to go to a technical college for computer science.
I graduated BS in Computer Science. It was very bumpy along the way because of all the stress and my unhappiness with some of the jobs. People on the phone yelling at me all day when I did technical support for a company's call center. Eventually I got a good job as a jr software guy and I've come a long ways. I'm going to jump a bit now because I can't make this too long with all the little things. Throughout our 17 years together I cheated on her one time the year I graduated. There was no emotional connection it was just a drunken mistake I never thought I could make. and she moved out and I figured she was completely done because I knew that was a big deal for her. Some time went by and we ended up meeting and she wanted me to know that she forgave me. I was stunned. Incredibly happy but shocked. Things were great for quite a while after that. Marriage and kids had been a constant topic over the years, and she decided if I wasn't going to propose, she would consider buying a house as a large commitment. We found one and the day we walked into it for the first time, I proposed. I should mentioned the ring I used was given to me by her grandfather and it belonged to her recently passed grandmother. There were lots of aunts and cousins that could have kept it from happening but her family loves me. She looked so shocked and happy, bragging to all and things were really great. Our anniversary is this month.
I had started working for a startup company about a year ago and there was some trouble a couple months ago with reinvestment funds. Happening so close to the wedding, it added a great deal of stress that I may not have a job before the wedding and it was hard enough making due with our housing credit money.
Around father's day I learned some news about my biological father that basically suggested he was no longer around. I bought a tall can of budweiser since it reminded me of him. Over the next couple months I started having a tall can while watering the lawn. The problem is, it needed to be watered every day. Combine that with a dislocated shoulder and popping vicodin, I really wasn't quite there. At that same time her mom went into a voluntary rehab for alcoholism. She would have been out right before the wedding. At the beginning of this month, we had a birthday party to attend and the next day another gathering. I could see she was irritated because she had "so much to do" for the wedding and those gatherings were eating up valuable time. That could be true but now that I know the facts it is much different.
this old friend from her technical college sent her a message through his sisters account with his phone number if she ever wanted to talk. She called him back and told him it was bad timing and everything and he sent an email that said after thinking about it, he didn't think it was a coincidence that it was 3 weeks before the wedding and it was a sign from higher powers to think about what she was doing before it was too late. I found out he messaged and a couple days later she went to meet him in person. Supposedly they only spent 10 minutes together because she couldn't find the place. That friday we signed marriage papers together and things seemed tense. Especially at the gatherings we went too. The next monday she text that she was getting cold feet.
When I told her that was normal she mentioned someone was competing for her heart and she was going to stay at a motel for a week to think things out. She had a girlfriend drive down and stay with her, who coincidentally was also a victim of a postponed/cancelled wedding. That week was the worst time of my life. Hand on my phone. Waiting by the door when she would normally be getting home. Waiting for the open armed embrace. It never came. When it sunk in that she might postpone the wedding to be apart, I tried talking and talking but it was the same stuff she's heard over some of our bumps in the road (she calls them cycles). I decided I needed to figure out why this was happening. Why had I waited so long to marry her in the first place? Why wasn't I capable of taking her compliments, or giving the kiss goodnight or being the one to hug her?
I went to my first therapy appointment that week and brought out the root. It was fear. Fear I was letting control me by doing some of the following: not allowing my stepdad to make amends with me after he received much therapy. avoiding social events because I was scared of people judging me. I could see all of these things had bothered her so much over the years. So I contacted my step dad and was surprised at how different he sounded, but also how incredibly similar to me he sounded. By forgiving him, I felt immediate relief from the fear and it has been what I never could have imagined. Good to talk with him.
After learning about the reasons why I did some of the things I did, I was excited (this was before I knew she met with him) so we talked and she could tell I was a little different but for our long number of years, there really wasn't much I could do to prove it. The ring came off the next weekend, and it became a full blown "I can't be with you. I'm just done." But then came some things that I don't think are true. She said she wanted to be free, wanted to date other people. I was all she knew. The truth is she talks to him multiple times throughout the day and is basically committed to him already without even being out of the house. I've been staying at the same place we started when we moved here. She is packing and just put in her 2 weeks at work. She plans to move by the end of the month.
Not only has this been the most painful time in my life, it has also hurt both our families and has been humiliating to have to inform over 100 RSVP'd guests that the wedding was no longer taking place. Each time I tell someone they just don't understand. She had been pushing for kids and marriage for so many years and we were 3 weeks away. Although I didn't recognize a lot of my issues at the time, I was finally accepting and even excited for the opportunity of becoming a father.
I know I can't talk her into anything, she needs to do this or else she would always wonder. But the timing just hurts so much worse. Like the past doesn't even matter. After meeting with him I'm sure those old feelings came right back, and since things were tense and stressful for us immediately before I can imagine it felt relieving and she decided to try and make a storybook ending for herself out of it. Now that I'm getting therapy and seeing what I did wrong it makes it much more difficult to accept that she is probably not coming back. She won't be able to see the improved person I am becoming, and even if it doesn't work out with this guy from 13 years ago she would still think things would be the same with us. I tackled my fear from childhood, and now I have a new fear that she will never be back.
Having such a deep connection with her and history, I'm having a really really hard time even though I'm better at controlling it. How does it sound from the outside? I know I have a lot of blame to accept, but it seems so hard to understand how she could give it up so quickly without wanting couples counseling or to try and fix it. She is going into open arms of someone, and I'm completely empty. Thanks for the few that get all the way through with this. If no one responds it at least felt good to write all this (even though I've done it verbally several times).
Last edited by Administrator; 08-18-2011 at 07:26 PM.