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Old 10-30-2011, 06:54 AM   #1
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My husband "gave up" in one day

I am writing to see if anyone thinks there is any hope in this situation.

About a month ago I went to counseling because I noticed I was having extreme mood swings and overreacting to situations. During the counseling session, I was surprised to learn I was experiencing a lot of anxiety about my marriage. It hit me-I thought we had a great marriage. We are great partners, we have 2 beautiful kids (3 1/2 years and 6 months), we love to do the same things, we never fight (hard to believe, I know.) The anxiety was coming from a relationship my husband was having with a girl at work, who appears to be more than friendly but they both still continue to claim it is only a friend relationship.

Now it is going to be hard to look past that. Many people think he is having an affair. I do not believe that at this time. Anyways, 3 days after my counseling appointment my husband asked me if I still loved him and he told me he didn't know if he loved me. From that point on (which was Oct. 1) he has been emotionally withdrawn from the situation. He has told me that "we have the perfect life, everything has went according to plan, but I do not have any emotional attachment to you. I've given up, I can't make myself work on it. I want a divorce."

Has anyone had a situation like this? We went to a marriage counselor once but they ask "Are you committed to saving your marriage?" and he can't say yes so we haven't went back because he said it will only make it worse. He plans on seeing an individual counselor this week, but I'm pretty sure he will file for divorce in the next week or two.

Will he "wake up?" or does it sound like he's so detached from the situation divorce is inevitable?

 
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Old 10-31-2011, 08:54 AM   #2
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Re: My husband "gave up" in one day

Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. You have two small children to be concerned with and this woman at work seems to be causing a problem with your husband's relationship with you. Do you have a pastor you can call on and see if someone could speak to him? Can you confront this woman and tell her that you plan to work on your marriage with your husband and if there is something going on then and if he will try to work on this marriage then that woman or him has to find another job. Boy, this is so sad and I'm sorry you didn't see the signs of this coming. You need to find help for yourself and tell him to leave if he is having an affair with this woman. I hope he fights to save his marriage and be a father to his children. How long did you go together before you married? Did his parents divorce and did his dad abandon them? Best wishes.

 
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Old 10-31-2011, 08:28 PM   #3
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Re: My husband "gave up" in one day

Thank you for the response. We do not have a pastor he could talk to, but he won't talk to anyone, family or friends. He says no one understands what he is feeling and why he wants to give up.

He said that he thinks he has felt this way for a long time, just going through the motions and what felt comfortable-marriage, buy a house, dog, kids, etc. He is not sure he's ever loved me, but knows he has just realized it in the last three weeks and recognizes he's been unhappy for a while.

I don't know, divorce would always be hard either way. But I wish he would at least agree to try for a few months before calling it quits. It seems so easy for him to just walk out on us now-although he says it's not. He says it'll be less painful in the end if we get it over now, but I think a few months of trying and maybe postponing the pain would be worth it if it meant saving our marriage.

 
Old 10-31-2011, 08:31 PM   #4
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Re: My husband "gave up" in one day

By the way, we dated for two years consistantly before we were married, but dated during our sophomore year of college for a few months, too.

His parents did not abandon him BUT he does feel they are unhappily married... partners but not in love. I do think that's one of his fears.

 
Old 11-01-2011, 06:57 AM   #5
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Re: My husband "gave up" in one day

I'm so sorry that he is allowing his feelings and fears to give up on your marriage and life together. It takes two to make a marriage work. Do you have family support nearby who can help you and the children. You need help for yourself to keep your children safe and happy. I hope you have close friends and family to talk to and to help you through your losing this relationship. It is so difficult and you will grieve and feel much pain especially if you still love him. I left my husband but our love had died so it was much easier for me. If he doesn't get help, please get help for yourself and you will grow from this experience. Do you work and can you financially take care of yourself and the children? Best wishes.

 
Old 11-01-2011, 07:56 AM   #6
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Re: My husband "gave up" in one day

i'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation
i would not suggest confronting this woman.....the problem is your husband, not the other woman. he's the one betraying you (if he is).
protect yourself and talk to a lawyer or two to see what your rights (and your childrens) are

 
Old 11-16-2011, 02:23 AM   #7
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Thumbs up Re: My husband "gave up" in one day

I'm sorry I posted the same message twice.. by accident..

Cheers belle xx

Last edited by belle005059; 11-16-2011 at 02:38 AM. Reason: posted twice .. Sorry..

 
Old 11-16-2011, 02:31 AM   #8
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Thumbs up Re: My husband "gave up" in one day

Hi OPHA..

I'm sorry to hear your'e having such a problem..

It's an awful feeling what your'e going thru..

and there's very little any of us can say till you start to get it sorted..

I am an older female (59yrs) but I have gone thru a divorce after being faithfully married for 35yrs..

I had 3 spinal operations but he wasn't there for me..I ended up in a W/chr ..He couldn't hack it.. so he got a new woman..

My husband was having an affair unbeknownst to me at the time..

But I started suspecting in the 2nd yr and boy did it become a issue !!

The next few yrs were very scary, he was so determined to make me go loopy.. but I perservered and he lost the battle .. with police involved and all..

So I gave him a divorce in 2006.. a LOVELY feeling

I'm living a fantastic life without having to answer to him or Anyone..

I'm Free.. a good Feeling.. and I've met a new man since after yrs of being on a dating Site.. He treats me like a queen..

But you have 2 little children to think about.!!.

and he should consider their well -being as well..

Apart from paying for their upbringing as they go thru life..
He has to be made to be responsible.. so make sure you go to a Good lawyer..

(Mine were all grown up so no worries there.. )

I wish you luck as you go on ..

(it would be nice if he gave you another chance but I doubt it..) ..

maybe he sees the end of the road anyway...

Accept it and move on for everyone's sake..

Go get some good counselling if you feel you need it..
but make sure you have lots of good friends to share with..

that's most important..

And have a good cry.. also Most important.. don't hold it in..

Lots of Love and kind thoughts .. belle

 
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