deepestgold

I'm 33, wife is 30. 7 yr old daughter, 9 year marriage.

I just feel so alone. I'm by no means a social creature. I go to work, I go to school, I come home. Don't go to clubs, don't go to ball games or poker nights or concerts or anything really. When I'm not in class or at work, I am at home with my family. I'm content with this. But, despite the fact I had no intentions of this happening, I've apparently lost most of my contact with friends and I just don't have anyone else. My wife and daughter are, quite realistically, ALL I have. I've been perfectly content with this.

Marriage has had numerous problems. Caught her cheating in '05. She moved out (on christmas day, no less) in '06. Marriage counseling in '08, which didn't work because she was cheating WHILE we were in counseling. She moved out again in '09, while simultaneously "cheating" (we were separating. I still consider it cheating, but maybe some folks dont).

Wife is not a social creature either. She has historically had very few friends, and has had plenty that were close at one time eventually abandon her altogether. Three of her four bridesmaids in our wedding, including the maid of honor, are no longer in her life at all.

Anyhow, as you can see, lots of infidelity on her part. Which over time created a horrible monster of a jealous husband in me. But we worked through it each time. Obviously we never addressed the root problem, but throughout all 9 years I remained in love with her and each time an "episode" occurred, we worked through it.

This past August, just days before our daughter's 7th birthday, another infidelity episode. I'd agreed to let her pose nude for some artful photographs (she is a photraphy artist herself). The photographer was a fried of hers, not close friend but someone she met in her photography circles, and she came to me first and asked if I was ok with it. At that time, things were very good between us. Trust had been mostly rebuilt, we were happy, she was caring and affectionate... I agreed to it. Weeks later, the episode happened. I spent many years reading her txt messages and facebook chats, etc, but had since given it up. However, this one night I must've had an intuition or something. All I intended to do was get the phone out of her sleeping hands and set it on the table next to the bed since she was snoring away already. But something inside just prompted me to look. They didn't sleep together, but their phone conversation consisted of her telling him how she wished more had happened between them, how she wanted him to touch her all over.

I of course blow up again. Another episode cycle occurs, she apologizes, I'm weak and decide to not leave her, and she begins treating me like a king. Profesing her love for me every chance she gets. She even enrolls us into marriage counseling again, saying she wants to actually fix the root problem and heal our marriage and stop being unfaithful.

During this recovery phase, our lives are for the most part normal. I'm not holding it over her head, we're not fighting, its almost like nothing happened. Except for one thing: I cannot bring myself to tell her I love her. I reason that its my ONE way to show her that things are not all ok again. See, I did still love her the whole time, and my actions showed it, but those 3 words I just wasn't speaking. Eventually I felt bad about it. I had a moment where I thought, "If I die tomorrow, she'll forever think I didn't love her anymore". The whole time I was withholding those 3 words, I could tell it was deeply affecting her. Well, I started saying them again. I thought this would make her feel much better.

No, what happened instead was she'd emotionally detached herself from me. This also occurred during the same time period that her classes at college resumed, and suddenly she has lots of new friends who she connects very strongly with. So out with me, in with the friends.

Keep in mind, this is occurring about one month after I discovered that phone conversation. Trust issues are running wild at this point, and I'm looking for the slightest hint that something bad is happening with one of her new friends. She spends 24/7 texting him, they are never not in communication. She even woke me up in the middle of the night one night to say that he was drunk and needed a ride home, so she was going to go be his DD. Like not even our sleep time together is sacred. Nothing is sacred anymore. So there's MAJOR friction. Even despite me telling her I love her, she's growing further apart from me at an alarming rate.

In a matter of 3 months, things went from being fine, to marriage counseling and she loves me dearly and can't live without me, to I'm not IN love with you anymore but don't worry I'll find my way back, to her flat out saying she wants out of this marriage and can't wait for it to be over. She has given up.

All I ever did was love her. I never cheated, never abused. I definitely kept her on a short leash though, read her journals and chats and txt messages. She did not have much privacy at all. I'm not very proud of that, but I also feel at least somewhat justified given how many times she was unfaithful in the past.

Now every single conversation is an argument. She doesn't want to talk about our marriage issues, and I can't talk about anything else because it's the ONLY thing on my mind. She says she's emotionally exhausted. She wants me to pull the plug.

I'm lost, sad and lonely, and I have no one to talk to about it. I dont know what to do, I'm trying to keep our daughter at the forefront of any decision I make. Its not fair, my daughter shouldn't be punished for her parents' failure.