portgirl

I don't even know where to begin... I guess ill start with, I gave birth to my baby boy 10 months ago while my boyfriend (the father) was in jail. He missed out on the first 3 months of our babys life but I was willing to forget all this and move on so my family could be whole.

I guess my doubts started about a month after he got out. He still hadn't found a job and really wasn't trying to hard ( I live in an area rich with jobs, especially restaurant). After 2 months I got so fed up I made up an email address and resume and sent them everywhere. So I quickly got him a job... whatever, I wanted to move on and not dwell on things.

So, he's been working at this place for a couple months and it was not paying the bills, but he does not want me to work so I can stay at home with our baby, which was ok with me as long as he found another job and he said he would. He put it off and put it off. I would get him interviews and wouldn't go. Not only were we unable to pay our bills, he would blow his paycheck on the dummiest things like eating out, scratch tickets, movies. And all the while, I lost my licence due to an unpaid seatbelt ticket and he would get so annoyed if I would bring it up or any other of the many items that my baby and I require. I kept trying to talk to him about it because for some reason I love this guy but he would just call me mean and a nag.

A couple more months went by with me biting my tongue as much as possible. I will admit, I did snap a couple times because of all the stress and lack of sleep (I did the majority of caring for our baby, waking up early while he'd sleep in until noon). But this all led to us sleeping in separate rooms, no sex, no affection of any kind! He had also betrayed my trust a few times by doing drugs (while on probation) as a way to "escape" these stressful times.

So a couple weeks before xmas I really started to give up on trying to get him motivated to start being responsible but I really wanted our baby to have to best first xmas.

A week after xmas passed, he got fired from his job. I had no choice but to get a job ASAP! I quickly found one, but only part time... not enough but something! This made him really angry and jealous. He feels so strongly about me staying home and taking care of our baby. And I've spent hours sending resumes and typing cover letters and gotten him multiple interviews that he always finds some excuse to not go to. And some of these are awesome jobs. Ones that would easily pay the bills. But since I've been working he's always telling me that I'm not helping my family, I'm actually making it harder for them, he refuses to give me rides and telling me I don't spend enough time with our son and he's mad all day cause I'm not there.

I've come to the point where I am done with this. I feel like ice been trying to hard to make a man out of this boy. But I'm really trying so hard cause he is my babys father and I want the best for our son. I don't know what the hell to do... I have no money to move out and my job barely pay my current rent, I don't have a car or licence. I don't want to be here anymore! I want to start new with my baby but I'm so scared because I want the best for him. I feel like I'm failing at being a mother and partner. I don't have family or friends aroun# here that I can stay with and I'm not going to stay at a shelter.

Ehhhh! What do I do? I don't want to have to split custody of our baby. He's my life! But I'd have to work full time to afford a place of our own and I can't pay for childcare right now. What do I do??? I can't be the only one in this position!

* sorry about all the typing errors... typed it on my phone :/