I have been out of the home for 6 months. The reason for our seperation, substance abuse and pornography. He is supposed to be getting help. Instead, he overdosed on Adderall and Crystal Meth on Tuesday, which with the amount of amphetamine in his system, the doctor feels was a 4-5 day binge. While at the hospital, I looked through his phone, and found that he has been having sexual encounters with MEN (strangers), I found text messages to his ex girlfriend, telling her he wanted to have sex with her as well, and a message that he had sex with a swinger couple (wife only). The encounters with the men were this weekend, while my 2 year old baby was at his home asleep. I am absolutely devasted. I KNOW that we are over FOREVER at this point. What bothers me the most is that he doesnít even care. He can do all that stuff and not even consider the fact that we are still married. Like the last 6 years was nothing. And then, itís like, after living with this man for so long, and thinking that I know him, to imagine him doing this stuff is really messing with my head. Itís like heís a completely different person. I have no money to file for the divorce at this point, he lost his job due to his drug addiction and I have been paying everything on my own. I do NOT want my baby going over there. I do not trust him with the addiction issue, and I do not want my baby exposed to that type of sexual lifestyle. it is dangerous. What if he brings in a man that wants to do stuff to my son and they are both on meth? I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move on from this. Please help me.
you need to take control.....i think part of the pain is not knowing what the future holds, or what is going to happen next.....
if you talk to a lawyer, get a plan, and put it into action, i think you will feel more in control of the situation, and therefore less pain
it won't be easy, but it's necessisary to take the first step and follow thru.....put one foot after the other....
The following user gives a hug of support to rosequartz: jilas0127 (01-13-2012)
The number one thing you should do is remember one thing - you are not to blame. His problems are his own and have nothing to do with you, no matter what he might say. He could come up with some excuses, sure.... but in reality, it's HIS fault and he wants to justify it, not take any responsibility. It seems like he isn't a responsible person at all, especially around your child. As soon as you can, get your own job, your own place ( or stay with friends / family ), and a lawyer. If you have to, fight for custody. You will win if you haven't gotten into any trouble yourself, and your child won't have to be in that situation again.
It will take a while to get through the pain, don't try to rush it. It's a process, and it's harder because an innocent child is involved. Write yourself some notes to remind yourself that you can make it through, that your child is the most important thing to you, and that you deserve to be happy. Look in a mirror and tell yourself too, if you want to. Talk with friends and don't keep your anger and sadness bottled up, that will only prolong the process.
Good luck, and don't forget that there are so many people online who can help you, in addition to any family and friends you have.
The Following User Says Thank You to Sachimi For This Useful Post: Jaye66 (01-14-2012)
Thank you. I actually do have a very good full time job and my own place now. I moved out of the house back in July when I could see that this was all about to come down on him, and I had to protect my family, my sanity, and MY income. He had been spending all our money, not paying the bills etc. Within two months he lost his own job because of his drug use. He wrecked his car, and now he's lost his house. I heard they locked it or were going to lock it up this week. He is currently in-patient and a rehabilitation facility, but not for the sex addiction, just the substance abuse. This is his third stay at this hospital this year.
I praise God for his guidance, because He has protected me and my own through all of this. Aside from being a little strapped with money because I"m paying everything myself, I have to say I got out of this pretty lucky. I'm just heart broken. Very very heart broken. I feel bad for my son. He loves his daddy so much. I just can't bear the fact that he is not safe with him anymore. It's killing me. I feel bad for my husband. It's just been devastating to watch him and this family fall apart.
You're strong, don't ever forget that! It takes a lot to leave your partner, no matter what they've done. I'm glad to hear you're on your own, though it's difficult, especially financially. Have you looked into any kind of assistance to help with the bills or at least groceries?
There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling about your husband, but don't let it control your life or consume your thoughts. He made his choices, and while it's good that he's getting some help, they are still -his- choices. You're right that you've been lucky through this ordeal so far, and I hope that continues. Whatever your faith is, it's as strong as you and will help you through this.
He is totally blaming me for all of his problems. Obviously I know that it's not me, and that all I ever did was fight to keep our family together. Do you think he will ever realize that it's not my fault, after I'm gone? He's been talking to his ex girlfriend. I keep thinking, if he puts effort toward a different relationship, that he didn't put toward ours to save our marriage, that would be devastating. Of course I know that he didn't change over night, and he will still have the issues, but if he gets help for his ex and gets better, that will kill me. He should have done that for me, us, our family.
If he's a smart man ( deep down ), and not just being stubborn, then yes he will realise that you were right and not to blame. He may not admit it to you though.
I think the same as you - if he's putting effort into another relationship, then he isn't putting any into your marriage and family. That's something that he has to deal with though, it was his choice to do these things. It's between him and God ( I'm not so religious, but you are and I know you can appreciate that ). Tell him ( if you're still talking to him ) that he needs to put some effort into getting better for his son, if for no other reason at all. If he can't do that, and it will take some time, then you have a couple options. Cut all ties and let him rot with his bad decisions, or go the legal route and get child support from him. His personal finances after you leave him are no longer your concern.
By the way, are you divorced? If so, do you have sole custody? If not, do you have anything shared such as a bank account, leases, loans, etc? Get these things taken care of before he can ruin your life further, and the life of your child.
Hello and first let me say I am sorry to hear about your relationship issues. I udnerstand you are done with your ex husband but due to a child contact will continue.
Your exhusband addictions are driving his behaviour and yes he is putting himself and people close to him at risk. You do need to protect yourself and your child so please seek legal help with your separation and emotional support for you.
Not sure if your husband is Gay but based on your email hid addictions are pulling his self esteem down and he is acting irrationally and it is possbile he is gay and he is dealing with it by seld medicating with drugs, NOT YOUR FAULT
You can and will find happines in your life, it does hurt to see someone we love or loved being self destructive pray for him and distance yourself from the behaviour.
You will find happiness and someone who loves you, in the mean time continue to take care of yourself, like yourself and celebrate all that you do have not easy I know but I am sure you have alot to be happy for , your child, your life and all that is ins store for the 2 of you.
The following user gives a hug of support to headset: jilas0127 (01-18-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to headset For This Useful Post: jilas0127 (01-18-2012)
What a mess. There are a few things you can and should do.
It sounds like your soon to be ex is bi-sexual (has sex with both sexes).
Please look for attorney's who do pro-bono..where I live all atty's have to do three(3) pro-bono's a year or if you feel you can do it you can do your own divorce but it takes time..the cost is a couple of hundred dollars if even that.
If you think your stb-ex was cheating before you left him then please go get checked for STDs so you can have piece of mind.
Go to your local Courthouse and ask one of the Clerks about
having adult supervision when your child is in his care..they should give you info how to go about this and while you're there ask about the 'do it yourself divorce'..people there are willing to help..they've heard it all and can guide you in the right direction.
I hope some of this has helped and that you get a firm grip on how to keep your child away from your stb-ex until he gets his life cleaned up.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take it away. This is not helpful at the moment but time will heal this wound. It won't help you tonight but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. Hang on.
It must horrible to go through what you are dealing with. No wonder you are overwhelmed with pain.
There is no excuse for your husband's actions, but it might help to remember that a lot of what's happening and a lot of what he did has to do with his drug addiction. Taking large amounts of amphetamines causes hypersexuality. And amphetamine binges lasting 4-5 days...he's got a very serious problem. Like I said, there's still no excuse for his lying to you, for bringing drugged-up strangers into his home when his child is there, etc.
You are right to not want your child going to stay with him while he's this messed up. It would be best to try to keep documentation and lots of records of his hospital stay and the doctor's opinion (because it proves he is a drug addict) and if possible, keep proof of or notes on the info you saw on his phone.
If you don't have money for an attorney, you can call your state's bar association and ask for a referral for divorce attorneys doing pro-bono work. I would also look around to see if there are any non-profit organizations that could help. Organizations for child welfare, state-run programs meant to protect children, churches, anything you can think of.
You might also want to call the police and file a report- show them his phone, the hospital records and ask if there is any legal action they can pursue. And ask the police if they know of resources that could help you keep your child away from your husband until he gets off drugs and gets help.
I know it hurts so much to see him doing all this, and then acting like he doesn't even care. It is likely that he is so wrapped up in meth that that is all he cares about. His feelings may be very blunted to anything but drug-seeking behavior. If he feels pain and remorse for what he's done, he may automatically shut those feelings out. If he recognizes them, he would have to face the reality of how much he's hurt other people, the shame of his actions and above all, he would have to face the fact that he is an addict. The addict's brain fights to suppress these feelings, because they would get in the way of his relationship with drugs. Unfortunately, that relationship prevails over all else until he gets help.
It would be best if you could find some support from people who understand how hard all of this is. It helps a lot to talk about all of it with people who have been there, too. There are probably groups in your area that meet for support. Try going to one. It can help you make sense of everything and get relief so you can heal.