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Old 01-19-2012, 06:05 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Celiviel HB User
So lost

I never thought I would be on this end of things.

I've been with my husband for 11 years. We have a beautiful, disabled son of 9 who is so loving and sweet.

But he decided last night he couldn't be with me. Because he would always be in love with his first love. And he found she's dying of cancer.

At first it was he was obsessed by it because she was dying. He'd never considered a life without her. But now he's consumed with the sorrow of her dying and him being a world without her. All the women after her was him chasing the shade of his first love.

We've separated twice due to his having a mid life crisis. But got back together in the belief that we were stronger than the problems we had. I love this man with my whole heart and soul. I've fought so long and hard to make this relationship work. Only to stare defeat in the face.

He doesn't remember when he stopped loving me, but says I'm important to him and he doesn't think it's fair to be with me anymore. Because when she dies, he will have nothing left to give anyone. He'd rather be alone.

I feel so out of focus. I feel lost, bereft. I am not sure how to put the first foot forward in a world without him. Because to me, a world without him is colorless and insubstantial.

 
Old 01-20-2012, 06:49 PM   #2
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Re: So lost

Hugs to you and hugs for me. I completely understand. I too was with my partner for 11 years and he too left me and ended up back with his x girlfriend. They were together for nearly 2 years before he met me. They had split up (she left him) I thought they were done, but they weren't. Funny even after he left in September, I've been waiting for him to hit the breaks, think what have I done and come running back home. In my heart I know he never will (this time). He's come and gone before, but this time is different. He stopped calling, stopped calling our daughter but saw her this morning in fact for the first time since Christmas. I sincerely love this man, but he was never really mine. Through him I've learned so much about me but I've always known I was his rebound. It hurts like crazy and when he first left I absolutely couldn't sit still; I cried so much .. I'm still sad, but I'm tired .. I think my personal grieving and sense of loss started long before he actually left, but I still can't believe (some) days he really left. I know the pain of our children wondering where daddy is and when he will be home. My daughter idolizes her dad and it's heartbreaking. She used to be so proud of him she couldn't wait to pull him over to her friends to have them meet him. His x girlfriend was married at the time they were together; she ended up leaving her husband and her kids but by then he and i were together so she went with someone else for some time .. I think if I do the math I can see they were probably seeing eachother before he left me. The only peace of mind I have is knowing I will never have to worry about who he's seeing on the side again or if they have spoken .. When the pain passes this time, it's done even though that feels like forever. I wish I had the words of comfort to give you except it's one day at a time .. Hang in there through the pain it hurts because when 2 people are married it's like tearing flesh when they separate .. the 2 shall become 1 etc .. The pain won't last forever although it may yet be awhile .. I've been surfing the net for support ... Hugs to you and your son .. keep sharing ..

 
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