I'm 39 and my dh is 41, been married 15 years this March, 2 kids (9 & 11).
We had financial issues pretty early on --not that we didn't have $$ but he would make poor spending choices (boats, new cars, etc..), wouldn't pay attention to budgets I made (MANY!!), didn't care much for paying bills on time, wouldn't save any $ etc.. He owned his own business, $$ was good and I was a SAHM so on the outside, things seemed ok.
Ulitmately, his business tanked and w/ no preparation and no savings, we lost houses, lots, had to use my 401K savings, sold my car to make a house payment --all of it. So much resentment from me b/c he would never prepare for this type of thing --would never listen to me! Sold our house and at closing, I found out we had a tax lien for $75K. There went our $$ to buy a new home. Next, I found out that the truck he purchased in my name, had been given to a co-worker who "stole" it, didn't make payments and a repo. is now on my credit. My score is embarassing. Love it!
Constant fighting, stress, arguing in front of kids and neither wanting to go home. Struggled for 2 years with decision-what is worst for kids--divorce or living this way. Eventually, I could not take it anymore and after 14 yrs, packed up myself and kids and moved. I was truly done, happy on my own and he was miserable, depressed and stalking me.
I ended up meeting someone in another state a month later, pretty harmless (no sex) but very fun and planned a trip to see him again. Dh found out just before and went absolutely insane! Took my car, left me stranded at a store one day, took my phone, freaked in front of the kids, flipped on me in a public place, told kids what I had done w/ this other person, etc..
He then took a positive turn, told me he understood why I did what I had, wanted to learn what i was getting from the new relationship and said he could forgive me. I let him move in with us 1 wk later and from day 1, it has been horrid!
We are in indv/couples counseling but he is still a mess. First, it was angry, agressive, scariness. I know he is hurt and broken. He has woken me almost every nite (4 months now) freaking about what I did, angry w/ me or crying w/ visions in his head.
I've tried to be understanding and supportive but I am beyond fried now, constant tension, emotionally drained and lack of sleep. The intensity is less and not scary anymore but he brings it up every single day and we have 1-2 hr. discussion about the same damn thing!
I'm seriously considering divorce --to set him free and to finally have some peace in my life. I feel heartless about this at times b/c he is an amazing man, very attractive, good day and loves deeply--this is why he is hurt so badly. On the other side though, there are many reasons I left and those are overshadowed by the "affair" I had (barely!) while we were separated. I just can't live with this chronic stress anymore.
Any insight, thought would be greatly appreciated. This is so damn hard!!