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Old 01-20-2012, 10:00 AM   #1
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rileymo HB User
New here and considering divorce

I'm 39 and my dh is 41, been married 15 years this March, 2 kids (9 & 11).

We had financial issues pretty early on --not that we didn't have $$ but he would make poor spending choices (boats, new cars, etc..), wouldn't pay attention to budgets I made (MANY!!), didn't care much for paying bills on time, wouldn't save any $ etc.. He owned his own business, $$ was good and I was a SAHM so on the outside, things seemed ok.

Ulitmately, his business tanked and w/ no preparation and no savings, we lost houses, lots, had to use my 401K savings, sold my car to make a house payment --all of it. So much resentment from me b/c he would never prepare for this type of thing --would never listen to me! Sold our house and at closing, I found out we had a tax lien for $75K. There went our $$ to buy a new home. Next, I found out that the truck he purchased in my name, had been given to a co-worker who "stole" it, didn't make payments and a repo. is now on my credit. My score is embarassing. Love it!

Constant fighting, stress, arguing in front of kids and neither wanting to go home. Struggled for 2 years with decision-what is worst for kids--divorce or living this way. Eventually, I could not take it anymore and after 14 yrs, packed up myself and kids and moved. I was truly done, happy on my own and he was miserable, depressed and stalking me.

I ended up meeting someone in another state a month later, pretty harmless (no sex) but very fun and planned a trip to see him again. Dh found out just before and went absolutely insane! Took my car, left me stranded at a store one day, took my phone, freaked in front of the kids, flipped on me in a public place, told kids what I had done w/ this other person, etc..

He then took a positive turn, told me he understood why I did what I had, wanted to learn what i was getting from the new relationship and said he could forgive me. I let him move in with us 1 wk later and from day 1, it has been horrid!

We are in indv/couples counseling but he is still a mess. First, it was angry, agressive, scariness. I know he is hurt and broken. He has woken me almost every nite (4 months now) freaking about what I did, angry w/ me or crying w/ visions in his head. I've tried to be understanding and supportive but I am beyond fried now, constant tension, emotionally drained and lack of sleep. The intensity is less and not scary anymore but he brings it up every single day and we have 1-2 hr. discussion about the same damn thing!

I'm seriously considering divorce --to set him free and to finally have some peace in my life. I feel heartless about this at times b/c he is an amazing man, very attractive, good day and loves deeply--this is why he is hurt so badly. On the other side though, there are many reasons I left and those are overshadowed by the "affair" I had (barely!) while we were separated. I just can't live with this chronic stress anymore.

Any insight, thought would be greatly appreciated. This is so damn hard!!

 
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Old 01-21-2012, 12:05 AM   #2
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Sachimi HB UserSachimi HB UserSachimi HB UserSachimi HB UserSachimi HB UserSachimi HB User
Re: New here and considering divorce

It sounds like you've been through more than enough. You should go ahead with the divorce and get yourself out of that situation. Get a lawyer involved if necessary. If you still want contact for your children's sake, that's perfectly fine - allow him to visit or even have them at his place, but at this point your own relationship with him is over. He might be a great man, but his choices have ruined your life and he doesn't seem to respect you at all. You're still pretty young, so you can still rebuild your credit and get your retirement and children's schooling taken care of. Make sure that he contributes to their well-being though! You've given him chances to make things right, and it sounds like he's continually screwed it up.

As a side note, don't rush into any relationship yet. It could really hurt divorce proceedings for you, not to mention it could be a mistake. It's so easy to get into a rebound relationship and get hurt again quickly, and you shouldn't have to deal with that. Focus on your life and making things good again, and then go ahead and look for the right person who really respects you and values your opinions.

 
Old 01-22-2012, 03:38 PM   #3
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Re: New here and considering divorce

Sachimi,

Thx so much for your reply. There is a such a big part of me that is soooo ready to do it. I contacted an attorney last week and expect to hear more from her tomorrow. This wknd got bad and dh said, "Fine, we're done. Let's do this." He called a mover and within 10 minutes, was back-tracking. During that 10 minutes, I was really fine with the idea of him leaving. I was nervous about telling my poor babies and all the logisitics but I was okay with the idea.

He ended up leaving for the day but came home at night. He was very kind and calm and has carried that over throughout today. This is when it gets really hard. He is such a gentle soul and there is so much potential for us to have an amazing relationship. We're just always on the cusp and can't quite get there.

Because he has been so consumed, and now depressed by my semi-affair this summer, he is considering starting an anti-depressant. He has asked me to stick by him while he tries this. I'm very nervous though b/c 1) he doesn't really want to take meds and is nervous himself, 2) gets upset at times that 'because of what I did" he has to be on meds and 3) I worry he will resent me while he is on them --and even more so if things aren't going well.

I truly believe I'm the love of his life. He tells me that almost everyday. I struggle b/c I know if I leave, I will break him. I also worry about having regrets b/c we do often seem very close to having a good thing. I just don't know if he can ever really forgive me and be okay though.

I hate that this has to be so hard.

 
Old 01-23-2012, 08:47 AM   #4
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Sachimi HB UserSachimi HB UserSachimi HB UserSachimi HB UserSachimi HB UserSachimi HB User
Re: New here and considering divorce

It may help him if he does, but he really needs to forgive you for your "affair" and move on. That's going to keep coming up constantly and all it does is make things worse.

I think that if he was really the man for you, then he would show you the respect you deserve. He may be great in all other ways, but no respect = no true relationship.

 
Old 01-23-2012, 03:41 PM   #5
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rileymo HB User
Re: New here and considering divorce

I do agree- and this is our biggest issue --he needs to accept my apologies (1000 of them!) and grant me forgiveness. The hard part, is that if I was on the flip side, it would be very hard to move past this, you know? How long is long enough? It's just been 4 months. Shouldn't I be expected to put up with some anger and stress as a result? While I don't deserve any kind of cruelty, doesn't some of what he is doing kind of just come w/ the territory?

he just makes it so damn hard to go when he tells me he wants to grow old me, wants to stand beside me at our childrens graduations, weddings, etc.. He means well, he is just struggling. I'm just exhausted from the struggle. Just wish i had a crystal ball to show me when (or if) he is every going to cope and be okay?

 
Old 02-17-2012, 05:52 AM   #6
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Re: New here and considering divorce

Start the divorce process... for YOU not for him. You need to do what is best for you and the children. If you go down that path do it for the right reasons not for him. Good luck.

 
Old 02-17-2012, 07:17 AM   #7
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Re: New here and considering divorce

Give it more time and be his friend- after all, even if you divorce, you will be connected for a lifetime through your children.
He obviously loves you.
Talk about the "affair" only in the marriage counselor's office where he can get support, relieve his feelings and feel that there is some chance of a hope. Meds without talk therapy is not all that effective.

 
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