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-   -   completely devasted. Was my marriage a complete lie? (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/divorce-separation/887249-completely-devasted-my-marriage-complete-lie.html)

wintergirl82 01-27-2012 08:45 AM

completely devasted. Was my marriage a complete lie?
 
Hey everyone, I'm fairly new here, first time posting on here ever, and figured I could get some input on my situation. Thanks.. :)

My husband and I, have been together for over 11 years, and we've been married for 2.. We just got a house together about 6 months ago, and things were so good over the last couple of years. :) However, his family moved in.. about 3 months ago, because they are waiting to have their house built, and it has put a lot of pressure on our marriage.. Not just financially, but emotionally.
After they moved in, things started to change. He began to pull away, and tell me he wanted to go have more guy nights without me, and he would become very angry, if i would tell him that bills were due on a certain date, because we were both reasonable for payin certain bills..he had this things in his head where his money is his money so i can't tell him what he can and cannot buy.. so he was very impulsive with his money.. . Not to menntion the added stress of his parents coming to me and telling me how i should run my house and not to eat their food that they bought, but they would eat our food.. or the fact that we would go shopping, or a night out, whether it would be grocery shopping, or a bar, he would leave me there at midnight, for me to walk home..

My sister in law is also extremely good friends with my husband.. , he had been staying there for 2 weeks before he told me he wanted a divorce.. I tried talkin to him over and over, asking him if everything was ok, and he kept saying, I love you so much everything is soo good. but she on the other hand would start saying things like.. i set my alarm for 4:30 a.m. every time your husband works, so I can be up, when he gets home.. and she knew that there was something going on, but she said.. to mind my own business and let him do what he wants.. I talked to him the other day, and he asked if he could stay another night at their house, and i told him i really wanted him home, and then over the telephone, he said he wanted a divorce and didn't love me anymore. He never loved me over the last 11 years. He said it so casually like it was nothing. Not to mention shortly after that, My sister in law called me up and said, she didn't want to see me, and she didn't want me to see her kids either....it's almost making me believe there is something going on... if not physical.. then emotionally... something is off..

right now, i am living in the house that we bought together, and his family is still there as well, but will be moving very shortly.. I don't know how to deal with this, cause i feel like the past 11 years was a sham.. nothing more.. I didn't just lose my husband, but I lost family too.. I'm just waiting for another bombshell to drop, I put my complete trust in him and he lied to me......:( How can i still love someone, that looks at me the way he does. I don't know what to think anymore :(

Chris516 02-01-2012 05:34 AM

Re: completely devasted. Was my marriage a complete lie?
 
[QUOTE=wintergirl82;4917938]Hey everyone, I'm fairly new here, first time posting on here ever, and figured I could get some input on my situation. Thanks.. :)[/QUOTE]

I am new here, too.:(

[QUOTE=wintergirl82;4917938]My husband and I, have been together for over 11 years, and we've been married for 2.. We just got a house together about 6 months ago, and things were so good over the last couple of years. :) However, his family moved in.. about 3 months ago, because they are waiting to have their house built, and it has put a lot of pressure on our marriage.. Not just financially, but emotionally.[/QUOTE]

How many members are there in his family, that are waiting for the house to be built?:dizzy:

[QUOTE=wintergirl82;4917938]After they moved in, things started to change. He began to pull away, and tell me he wanted to go have more guy nights without me, and he would become very angry, if i would tell him that bills were due on a certain date, because we were both reasonable for payin certain bills..he had this things in his head where his money is his money so i can't tell him what he can and cannot buy.. so he was very impulsive with his money.. . Not to menntion the added stress of his parents coming to me and telling me how i should run my house and not to eat their food that they bought, but they would eat our food.. or the fact that we would go shopping, or a night out, whether it would be grocery shopping, or a bar, he would leave me there at midnight, for me to walk home..[/QUOTE]

His change in behavior as far as money is concerned, is like my ex-fiance was all the time. She was so angry about my voicing my concerns about her spending that, she LIED to a local blood donation organization about being on medication, and her having physical and mental, health problems. All in order to have her own money.:o:mad:

[QUOTE=wintergirl82;4917938]My sister in law is also extremely good friends with my husband.. , he had been staying there for 2 weeks before he told me he wanted a divorce.. I tried talkin to him over and over, asking him if everything was ok, and he kept saying, I love you so much everything is soo good. but she on the other hand would start saying things like.. i set my alarm for 4:30 a.m. every time your husband works, so I can be up, when he gets home.. and she knew that there was something going on, but she said.. to mind my own business and let him do what he wants.. I talked to him the other day, and he asked if he could stay another night at their house, and i told him i really wanted him home, and then over the telephone, he said he wanted a divorce and didn't love me anymore. He never loved me over the last 11 years. He said it so casually like it was nothing. Not to mention shortly after that, My sister in law called me up and said, she didn't want to see me, and she didn't want me to see her kids either....it's almost making me believe there is something going on... if not physical.. then emotionally... something is off.. [/QUOTE]

What he said, is almost like my ex-wife.

My ex-wife never took our marriage vows seriously. When she didn't want to deal with something emotionally(which was pretty much all the time), she referred to it as a 'heavy issue'. Like your husband, I felt like my (ex)wife never loved me. I had noticed a pattern with her parent's(and step-mother) where, when they were upset with her, they would yell at her, but when her younger brother, step-sister or step-brother did something, they would say something instead of yell. I thought that, once my (ex)wife n' I were married, it would stop. But where her parents'(and step-mother) were concerned, not only did it not stop. When I started hanging up the phone on them for yelling at my (ex)wife, my (ex)wife got angry saying she had every right to 'talk' to her parents. When I asked her if she enjoyed being yelled at, by her parents'(and step-mother), she didn't respond. So it was obvious to me, that there was a certain family dynamic, of emotional abuse, that she didn't want to lose.

[QUOTE=wintergirl82;4917938]right now, i am living in the house that we bought together, and his family is still there as well, but will be moving very shortly.. I don't know how to deal with this, cause i feel like the past 11 years was a sham.. nothing more.. I didn't just lose my husband, but I lost family too.. I'm just waiting for another bombshell to drop, I put my complete trust in him and he lied to me......:( How can i still love someone, that looks at me the way he does. I don't know what to think anymore :([/QUOTE]

I feel the same way, too. My parents are not religious. But my (ex)wife's family is. So two years after my (ex)wife n' I met, I asked my (ex)wife's father n' step-mother to be my 'representatives' for my joining their church(congregation of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America). To me, that was almost as close to the ultimate form of love...having a baby.

When I had a seizure in bed one morning, that should have been a red flag to me about her commitment to our marriage. But I chose to forgive her, since it was the first time she had seen me have a seizure. But we had been together for five years prior to getting married, so when I had tried countless times, to get her to understand what she needed to know about my health problems, it was like talking to a brick wall. I was thinking that, 'maybe all my medical info is really hard to understand'.

Five years into our marriage, she left me. Six months into the separation, I told her I wanted a divorce. But she begged me, crying on the phone, to not divorce her. So I relented. I wish I hadn't relented. A year after she left me, she told me that, she had always wished my physical health problems "would just go away". That was when I decided to divorce her without question. The only problem was money. It was another two years before I could financially afford a divorce attorney.

The coup de grace came four years after I divorced her. My (ex)wife and her family finally admitted that, she was disabled(developmentally delayed). For the prior seventeen years(5yrs. engaged, 5yrs. married n' living together, 3yrs. separated, 4yrs. divorced), amounted to a big fat lie.

To boot, when we were engaged, her mother went on Weight Watchers with her, to help her try to lose weight. At that point she was 5'2" and 180pds.. While we were married, I tried to get my (ex)wife to use the Family Membership at the local YMCA. But she rarely used it. Ten years later(a year into the separation, I happen to go with her to the local DMV satellite office to get her state I.D. card renewed. When I saw her state I.D. card, she had ballooned from 180pds. when we were engaged, to 240pds.. Just another part of the lie.

writeleft 02-10-2012 12:36 AM

Re: completely devasted. Was my marriage a complete lie?
 
Wintergirl,

I am so sorry you have had to endure all this, but it is time now to face up to what you have been presented with, and deal with it once and for all.

When you mentioned the fact that he would leave you to walk home late at night, that was a huge red flag, and something that should have never been happened more than once. It can be so easy to look back and say what we should have done, but I certainly understand how these things can happen. When he made it clear that he had no regard for you safety being out alone on the road, that should have been a huge eye opener.

When the family members arrived, seemingly without any respect to your feelings, and then when their actions were bothersome to you, that is when your husband should have taken action and straightened things out so your home remained liveable to you. His first priority is to his wife, and that should be respected by his parents. It shows a lack of respect from all of them.

Now, this whole thing with him casually saying that he never loved you, on the phone of all things! Thats it! HE is done.

While this sounds easy, I know it is not,BUT it is time for you to move on,and right away,.Can you stay with your family or a friend for the time being? This is not a time to spend one more moment with him or his family. You don't need to offer any explanation, just leave. From here, you are only setting yourself up for more pain and anguish. Walk out and dont look back. The only thing worse that what you have been through, is to spend one more night in it.

Please let me know what you think and what you are planning to do. This is your big chance to start a new life free of this jerk and his family.

Jen0501 02-17-2012 08:24 AM

Re: completely devasted. Was my marriage a complete lie?
 
Wintergirl, I am so sorry. Wait it out before you make any quick moves. He sounds like he has lost his mind.


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