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Old 03-04-2012, 03:28 PM   #1
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When will it stop???

About a month ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with a formal classmate he grew up with and lived next door to. We have always had problems in our marriage for the 21 yrs that we have been married. I was married at 18 btw so I went straight from mom and dad to live with him. The last two years have been pretty much the begining to the end, no communication, no sex, pretty much ignoring each other and staying in separate rooms most of the time. I kicked him out immediately and he went straight over to her house. The next day he begged me to come home that he would do whatever he could for me to take him back. I realized that he only did this because he had nowhere else to go. He told me this and I told him he could not come home. He immediately moved his personal belongings out of the house. I blocked him and her on Facebook but a friend who is friends with him on Facebook told me that he changed his status from married to in a relationship with so and so. He changed his profile to say that he has two beautiful girls and he is a happy man. It used to say and a beautiful wife. I am so upset over this. I never ever thought he would do this to me and everyone else was shocked as well. I should hate him but I just cant help but feel like he threw me out like trash for this woman. He keeps telling my daughters that we fought all of the time as an excuse as to why he did this. I threatened the last two years to leave and told him numerous times that I was unhappy. He never tried to make me happy when I told him this. He told me that we were going to split up anyway. I am so upset about how he is moving on so fast and I feel like how can he do this to me and my daughters? I am dealing with all of these emotions of betrayal and he is over there having the time of his life. Will I ever be able to get through this? I dont want him back that I know for sure but it is like a knife twisting in my back to know that he is so happy with his new girlfriend. We are going to lose our house and I have to file bankruptcy. Its like he doesnt realize or care what he has done to us. I want him to feel what I am feeling. I know I contributed to some of the problems in our marriage but this was no excuse for him to do what he did to me and my daughters.

 
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Old 03-09-2012, 09:17 PM   #2
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Re: When will it stop???

I am sorry you have to go through this, but I somewhat identify with it too. Some men it seems can turn on or off their emotions if they have any at will according to the situation. And it has some narcisstic tendoncies also, them not caring about who they hurt, what they are tearing apart while we are trying to make sense of it all. Every marriage has problems, but the one that does the betraying always find fault and give excuses for why they did what they did. The excuse my H gave me was he was tired of the drama, having a several month long emotional affair to which he still denies forgetting that his family lives on drama but when it came to and my family having drama all of a sudden he has this excuse. It makes them feel better if they can in their mind convince anybody it wasn't their fault. Also familiar with what you wrote about him moving on, mine did the same thing after denying most of it. Like it was just another day, get over it. Its infuriating when you put in everything you have and they move on or act like it's 100% your fault. Are you in counceling? When I first went I discussed the issues because my H refused to go, in his mind he wasn't all that wrong. I realized I needed to build me up, regardless of what H does. That was tough because I wanted answers, why did he do this to me. A year and a half later we are still in the same house but like roommates.

You feel so much loss in all aspects. He will have a time when he regrets what he did. They dont like to admit to anyone they did wrong and regret but yours will as time goes on. For him to feel the hurt, dissapointment, act. that you feel now it will be much more on him for him to see you getting back up unfazed by what he did. The more you do for you and your girls showing him that you are a well functioning enjoying life tho on the inside you want to cry, if he sees you appearing happy then his pain and anguish will begin.

God Bless

 
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Old 03-12-2012, 05:09 PM   #3
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Re: When will it stop???

Thank you so much for your post. It really made me feel better. I have been reading it when I start feeling bad or I remember what you said in my head. It just floors me that this man can go on like nothing happened. I think that is what is bothering me the most.

 
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:34 AM   #4
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Re: When will it stop???

You are welcome, It is extremely hard to understand things as I said before when the cheater takes no responsibility and acts like you never existed. I am having that now. After DD for me (discovery day) when my H saw I was not bouncing back to his normal, he bought me a couple gifts tho I said no gifts no cards, yet without any verbal communication. Like that was going to fix the prblm. Nope. Time went on to where we are now. Men like yours and mine have a detatchment capability built in. My H detatched from what he wanted to just like yours detatched from what he wanted to as well. Again for you to recover you for your benefit have to detatch as well, I am doing that also. I was not able to accept as I said earlier the way he wanted me to function, excuses or not, it is not acceptable for me to do that, it's like saying go ahead take me for granted as before and assume I am miss happy homemaker when he arrived nightly.

The reasons may be small to him and others, I don't care, I was lied to on a regular basis. It floored me as well. I could not believe a person could just act like nothing happened. The excuses again are not buyable. My H mentioned from time to time that I wasn't happy either. Really??? When things go their way, whether it's dictating when they chose to have a conversation with you or anything you wanted, if it's not on their schedule for that particular day and time it doesn't happen. Thats when they blame you. Like you are supposed to just love everything they do and say or act and if the tables are turned watch out. Usually you are bombarded with the silence, he is punishing you. Thats the inflated ego, Narcissist like personality. Some as mine did acted like he was doing me a favor by me living here. When in fact again I suspect as women are, go way above and beyond in the giving to them. That also feeds the attitude they have now: being entitled, smug and punishing. It makes you lose all good feelings you had, seeing the real person. Hope to hear from you. Take Care.

 
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:26 PM   #5
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Re: When will it stop???

Well I am back and it's a month later. I am doing better but still having days. Today was one of them. He is posting on Facebook already about how happy he is. His relatives "like" his posts so there is no telling what he has told them. I have deactivated my facebook account to keep from peeking on his wall but my daughters both have him as friends and my daughter mentioned he posted something but didn't want to tell me because she knew I would get upset. I dont think she was thinking when she said it. It pretty much opened the wound that I have been trying to heal and made it bleed pretty bad. I want so much to think that he is one day going to tell me that he is sorry and regret everything he has done but that day may never come. I feel like this is hell.

 
Old 04-12-2012, 06:27 PM   #6
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Re: When will it stop???

It is hard to deal with. You have options since he is the one that left. Can you get an attorney to go after him with abandonment and involvement w/another woman? I would check into it. You should not have to file for Bankruptcy, he caused this not you. He abandoned you for someone else, don't matter if you fought 24/7. Another woman was in the picture. If nothing has been done legal yet, you might consider gathering every bit of info you can to legally persue him for damages, that includes {I know this is difficult} printing his messages on FB,getting someone else to do this if you have deactivated your account, anything that would tie to him to the other woman,receipts,call records,anything that would be pertinent for your case. He will wind up paying you,in settlement for his stupidity. Good Luck, stay strong. The bad days will diminish.

 
Old 05-01-2012, 07:52 PM   #7
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Re: When will it stop???

Wisegirl,

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I am to. Right now. My husband and I got married in April of 2008. Since then, I've been hurt by his porn addiction, and pill addiction. I moved out in July of 2011 because he really needed help. He had become suicidal, and was miserable, I was miserable. I moved out with all intentions of staying together, he knew that, but he had already had 2 stays at a mental health / addictions facility, and I knew I needed some counseling to work on some issues with resentment, lack of trust, and just general hurt. I thought I had married the man of my dreams, and learned I had been deceived. He was not the man I though I married. I didn't know he had a porn addiction when I married him. I did not know it was so serious that he would neglect me intimately because of the porn. I found searches on our computer of him looking for pictures of his ex that him and her sold online when they were engaged. I had no idea. Wait... it gets worse....

I move out in July because I thought we could both get the help we needed, without the pressure of the marriages "bruises". I couldn't support him with all the resent I had. The lies, the pills, money problems, etc. And I knew he would never get better with me and my anger and resentment lingering in the home. Like I said, we weren't planning a divorce, just some time apart to get help we needed as individuals. We also have a 3 year old son.

In September of 2011, found emails between him and another man that he was conversing with on Craigs list casual encounters. I was floored. He was talking in the craigs list ling "m4m", "I can host a sexy cd right now" (cd on craigslist mean cross dresser in case you didn't know) I wanted to die. WHO IS THIS MAN? Is he gay? Bi-sexual? ***? I was so hurt I couldn't see straight. When I confronted him about it, he told me it was just talk, and that it stemmed from his sexual addiction. I thanked God that I had moved out before finding this.. but still thought "maybe" it was just talk. In January of this year he overdosed on Adderall. The ER doctor thought maybe he had taken something else as well, because of the seriousness of his pchycotic episode. I decided to check his phone to see if I could get any information as to what he had been up to, what he may have gotten etc. I found text messages between him and another man that had actually gone to the house (while my 3 year old son was sleeping) and had oral sex (maybe more, I don't know) All I know is my husband sent this MAN a message after the guy left and said sorry I was so nervious, that was only 2nd time with a "sub" (I don't know what that is, I assume submissive) but told him that his lips felt good on his (you know what). I also found text messages of him telling this man that he knew a couple that was looking to bring someone else in, and that he (my husband) had f***ed this guys wife. I also found messages between him and his ex girlfriend of him telling her he wanted to have hot passionate sex with her. When I brought this up to him, and I was in complete hysterics, wanted to die. He acted like he didn't care. He didn't care that he destroyed our family, he didn't care how much I hurt, he didn't care about us. I felt like a piece of trash he just threw away and never looked back. How could he do this to me? I just wanted him to hurt the way I hurt. I still do. I want HIM to feel like I do. I want HIM to want to die, like I have. But I know, that he is sociopath, and is not capable of remorse in any way.

I know how you feel. It is a horrible, aweful, unthinkable feeling. He lost his job becuase he failed a drug test at work. This is an educated man with a college degree. When we met, he was on fire for the LORD, very active in our church. Now, I am coming to the realization that he is not who I thought he was. And I know now that he couldn't have ever loved me if he could do that to me, and not even care. The financial strain has been devastating. I don't have any family here, no support, just my 14 yr old daughter, my 3 yr old son, and one really good friend whom I trust. It been very very hard on me. But guess what, the sun is starting to shine again.

1.) Filing bancruptcy, althoug it sounds bad, is probably a great idea. You can stop paying on the house, bank some money, work on filing bancruptcy and get your own place. Try not to let the bill thing get to you. After all, they can't take your children. Hold on to what matters with all you have. Set goals. Get yourself looking HOT! Work out....

2.) Try to remember the bad things about him, and know that this person is going to have to deal with the same things eventually, and guess what, he will likely cheat on her too.

3.) It gets easier. I promise. He will never know how much you hurt, and you can't make him hurt as much, especially if he's with someone else.

My husband is currently in an 8 month rehabilitation facility. He is wanting to save our marriage. I am unable to afford a divorce lawyer right now, but I will file. NOBODY, is going to be allowed to do what he has done to me, and ever have me back. You will be in your husbands life for a very long time because of the children. She may not be. You have his kids, and he WILL have to deal with you moving on with your life. He WILL one day see you with someone else, and YOU WILL BE HAPPY. I know it sounds impossible now, but you will be.... WE will be. It gets easier. I promise. Keep in touch. I think we can help each other.

 
Old 06-13-2012, 04:01 PM   #8
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Re: When will it stop???

Wow, I'm so sorry. It's only been a month so it's understandable why you're still hurting this much. And not for nothing but knowing what he's doing and putting on facebook is only making it worse. I think you should tell everyone not to inform you on anything he says and puts on facebook because it's preventing you from moving on. It isn't fair that he's moved on and "loving his life" and you're devastated over it. It's still fresh so no one can say to move on already but I will tell you to start taking control over your life and taking care of yourself. Let him live his "perfect" life with this girl. One day you'll find someone like he found her. In time you'll see that him leaving was the best thing to ever happen to you because if he can up and leave you just like that, then you know you deserve a lot better and honestly, if he had stayed with you, that would just prevent you from finding true happiness. Don't start dating anyone just because he moved on so fast. I know sometimes we take comfort in other people knowing someone we loved moved on. But chances are you aren't ready just yet. In time you will be and in time you will find someone. Take care of yourself first and take things slow.

 
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