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Old 03-09-2012, 08:28 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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sistoo HB User
Question year and half of silence

My H and I have been together 7 yrs,married almost5. We both have grown kids, having to help them from time to time financially. Husband has helped his late 20 two kids a great deal more than I have mine, he has supplied virtually everything for them ranging from homes,phones,sev.cars, school funding,list goes on etensively since they were teens, after H's divorce from their mother. After H and I were together a year he bought a mobile home for her and the grown kids to live in.

I contributed financially towards his kids and family, sat with his ailing mother, went with him every week to visit his mother for 6 hours, increasing later when she got worse, never expecting anything in return. My mother was ill but at the time he was too busy to take a short 1 1/2 day flight with me to see her. My grown oldest needed help with a vehicle, H helped financially but expected repayment within a week. Ok thats fine. H is more the silent type, NEVER having discussions on a personal level. I gave in to that after 3 years of trying to just have a conversation, 2 times begging for him to talk, most times completely saying nothing, staring at the t.v. I made sure supper was ready, carried his plate to him, fixed his lunch for work, gave very nice birthday parties complete with cookouts, nice gifts,friends,family, alot of money spent for the ocassions. In return none of the above except a minimal gift, most often others would supply cakes ect. In 7 years he complimented me 2 times on my appearance. Got used to that too.

Fast forward year and half ago, I discovered letters from another woman written in response to letters he wrote asking about her restless nights, showing concern, thanking him for money he gave her to help her out for what ever reason. Thanking him for his kind words and compliments, advice, and finally I found they had text each other over 800+ times over several months and talked on the phone, I knew nothing about this. H claimed she was "just a friend" that didn't have friends. H told many lies I now know of covering up the times they were txting with me in the same room, she called in the middle of the night, he lied about who it was. It was the typical very mad at me scenerio, giving the slightest amount of answers to my questions, finally refusing to discuss it by saying it was in the past, the past meant 2 weeks prior to several months previous, claiming they had nothing physical going on. During all that he was short with me often, still saying little.

After all this I said we needed to go to counceling which he refused. His theory is forgive and forget, thats it. He said he wanted to get on with his life and wanted me to be the wife I used to be. Which was the wife that was a doormat basically then. Now I am not. I have since stopped most of the things I used to do for him, and the silence has increased to if it's absolutely necessary to speak we will. Shortly after the discoveries I started going to therapy alone, still do ocassionally. He now blames me for the present situation of living in the house as roommates as if punishing me. He said he was sorry at the onset as if this was just a minor thing. I definently feel there was more to the story. She had moved out of the area then. Whether or not he contacts her I at this point don't care. Continual lying, betraying for such a long time after I had complete faith and his promise of never doing anything like writing letters, and the above mentioned put me where I am today, void of willing to bend to what he wants.

I am not able to financially move right now. I feel like I was taken for granted, he never intended for me to find out anything, then just shrugged it off. Any ideas on someone having an emotional affair and the aftermath of a non compliant spouse? Another question is why the inability to have any emotional connection for me yet able to do the exact opposite for the other person? If I hadn't given over 100% I could understand it.

 
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Old 04-03-2012, 04:06 PM   #2
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Re: year and half of silence

my heart goes out to you.....i have been married 22 years and also spent 3 and half years together prior to that.....i have caught him talking with other women in means of phone contact and visits...i was given a diagnosis of rectal cancer 2 years ago and have been thru pure He((....for the first year and a half i was in the hospital more than i was at home due to side effects of chemo...which caused TTP rare blood disorder...kidney failure and heart failure....since i became sick.......he has not supported me...acted like i was contagious....now he has walked out on me....i have a 19 year old son...that his dad has put a bunch of crap in his head..so now i am so alone.....son is moving away with father....and i am sick and all alone...what ever happen to in sickness and in health vows we took....i lost my job due to illness....am now on disability but dont' think i can ever make it on my own....due to thousands of dollars worth of medical bills...all of my friends work all the time and never come around...never hear from them much....where is my life headed...i don't see a reconcilation with the two of us...the husband has become a heavy drinker....i guess it makes him numb...had he been the sick one i would have never left his side......not sure why the good lord has left me here on this earth...i just wish my life would turn around..i lost 73 lbs while sick with chemo etc and am very embarassed to even go out..never go anywhere except to a doctors appt....does anyone have any words of support for me...i am now dying of being so alone..

 
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KatherineGAC (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 12:20 PM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: East Dubuque IL USA
Posts: 7
KatherineGAC HB User
Re: year and half of silence

You both are going through such an ordeal. As for Sistoo...I am so sorry, I have been in relationships in the past where the boy could not connect with me the way I would like and because I thought I loved him I ignored it and did all I could for him to come and find out the truth was that he could connect and loved connceting with other woman but those woman would not ever be me, the person who would do anything. He took great advantage of me and I hate to say that it sounds like the same is happening to you.

I feel so bad that you went through so many years of this I was lucky and gave up after shorter periods of time but always seemed to have it happen over and over to me by others so apparently I am just too supportive and caring and need to start making the guy work for me lol... I wanted to wish you luck and hope that you can pull through this and that it is hard but it obviously was not meant to be and you need to just let it go and leave him behind because he will never change and he is worthless. As for you justlonely.... I AM SOOOOOOOO sorry... Oh my goodness.... You truly need someone just to be there to listen. Some people just are not cut out to love and then some of us love too much..... You truly deserve better, you both do and I am soooo sorry... I cannot even imagine being in your situation justlonely.....

I wish I could be there just for you to have someone to talk to, as a matter of fact, I may not have much experience with your situation but I can be a great listener and I can offer advice so if you are every truly lonely and just need someone to listen you dont care who I promise I will be there to listen and I will try all I can to comfort you in your time of need. You are not alone and please be strong I am so sorry that this has happened to you and you feel left with no one. Just remember there is someone out there and I can be that someone if you need, I cant bare the thought of you being like this I dont even know you and it has saddened me greatly I feel so strongly for you both and truly wish the both of you can pull through this....Good luck

Last edited by moderator2; 04-09-2012 at 03:06 PM.

 
Old 04-12-2012, 05:59 PM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: east u.s.
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sistoo HB User
Re: year and half of silence

Thankyou justlonely and KatherineGAC, your words mean a lot. A betrayl whether it's emotional or physical hurts anyone. When the betrayer chooses to act indifferent rather than engaging in repair of the marriage,act as if they are justified somehow in their mind,ending up convincing themselves they are right to every lie they tell ends up adding more hurt initially until what remains as in my case anger. But thankyou for the support and God Bless.

 
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