Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: east u.s.
| | year and half of silence
My H and I have been together 7 yrs,married almost5. We both have grown kids, having to help them from time to time financially. Husband has helped his late 20 two kids a great deal more than I have mine, he has supplied virtually everything for them ranging from homes,phones,sev.cars, school funding,list goes on etensively since they were teens, after H's divorce from their mother. After H and I were together a year he bought a mobile home for her and the grown kids to live in.
I contributed financially towards his kids and family, sat with his ailing mother, went with him every week to visit his mother for 6 hours, increasing later when she got worse, never expecting anything in return. My mother was ill but at the time he was too busy to take a short 1 1/2 day flight with me to see her. My grown oldest needed help with a vehicle, H helped financially but expected repayment within a week. Ok thats fine. H is more the silent type, NEVER having discussions on a personal level. I gave in to that after 3 years of trying to just have a conversation, 2 times begging for him to talk, most times completely saying nothing, staring at the t.v. I made sure supper was ready, carried his plate to him, fixed his lunch for work, gave very nice birthday parties complete with cookouts, nice gifts,friends,family, alot of money spent for the ocassions. In return none of the above except a minimal gift, most often others would supply cakes ect. In 7 years he complimented me 2 times on my appearance. Got used to that too.
Fast forward year and half ago, I discovered letters from another woman written in response to letters he wrote asking about her restless nights, showing concern, thanking him for money he gave her to help her out for what ever reason. Thanking him for his kind words and compliments, advice, and finally I found they had text each other over 800+ times over several months and talked on the phone, I knew nothing about this. H claimed she was "just a friend" that didn't have friends. H told many lies I now know of covering up the times they were txting with me in the same room, she called in the middle of the night, he lied about who it was. It was the typical very mad at me scenerio, giving the slightest amount of answers to my questions, finally refusing to discuss it by saying it was in the past, the past meant 2 weeks prior to several months previous, claiming they had nothing physical going on. During all that he was short with me often, still saying little.
After all this I said we needed to go to counceling which he refused. His theory is forgive and forget, thats it. He said he wanted to get on with his life and wanted me to be the wife I used to be. Which was the wife that was a doormat basically then. Now I am not. I have since stopped most of the things I used to do for him, and the silence has increased to if it's absolutely necessary to speak we will. Shortly after the discoveries I started going to therapy alone, still do ocassionally. He now blames me for the present situation of living in the house as roommates as if punishing me. He said he was sorry at the onset as if this was just a minor thing. I definently feel there was more to the story. She had moved out of the area then. Whether or not he contacts her I at this point don't care. Continual lying, betraying for such a long time after I had complete faith and his promise of never doing anything like writing letters, and the above mentioned put me where I am today, void of willing to bend to what he wants.
I am not able to financially move right now. I feel like I was taken for granted, he never intended for me to find out anything, then just shrugged it off. Any ideas on someone having an emotional affair and the aftermath of a non compliant spouse? Another question is why the inability to have any emotional connection for me yet able to do the exact opposite for the other person? If I hadn't given over 100% I could understand it.