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Old 03-15-2012, 08:02 AM   #1
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Unhappy I need outside opinions

The first red flag should have been the fact that he wanted to get married so quickly after a break-up he had/us beginning to talk and hang out again. Or when we were planning our wedding with us being in two different states and I chose a photographer and got a lot of grief for it. I guess he felt like he knew more about photography than I did, because the woman he dated before we started talking again dabbled with photography. That should have been a red flag. If choosing the wedding photographer caused a fight, what the hell was I thinking when I assumed that the marriage would be fine?

Another red flag should have been his ex girlfriend telling me (after we were already married of course) that he had asked her for naked pictures shortly after him and I were engaged to be married. When I eventually found out about this I was infuriated. I would have never married him if I had known that had happened, and I told him this. He acted as though because he had "learned a lesson from it" and "promised to never do it again" that I had no reason to be mad over it. Well, that was the first scar.
By this point, our sex life was barely a sex life at all. I did not have the drive to have sex with him. I felt betrayed and lied to. I felt like I had been "tricked" into marriage because SURELY the man I chose to marry wouldn't betray me DURING OUR ENGAGEMENT.

He has broken my phone, a necklace from an old boyfriend, pottery from an old friend/boyfriend from YEARS ago, the make-up mirror that my mother gave me for christmas, the doggie stairs that my mother gave me for our chihuahuas, and has threatened to break many more things.
One time I left the house because I needed to escape the screaming and insanity and he called and left me a voicemail that said "You have until minute thirty to come back or I"m breaking this, this, and this...etc."
Once when he was explaining how mad I made him, he said he "felt like knocking the teeth out of my head."

Last night he told me that he regretted marrying me, and called me pretty much every name in the book. I couldn't even try to go to sleep in the other room because he would scream for me to come back to bed or he would come get me. He threw me back on the bed and hit me over the head with a pillow (as hard as he could) when I tried to walk away. I know its a pillow, but it still HURT. My thumb still hurts from an episode we had about a month 1/2 ago. I thought it might be broken, I can't bend it the right way anymore. He has insulted my family. He called my dad names for "putting up with the way my mom treats him". He has screamed DIRECTLY into my ear. I'm talking, RIGHT UP TO MY EAR and screamed as loud as he could. When he sees me crying histarically, it only seems to enrange him even more. I just dont know what is safe to do or say to him anymore.

I am scared of him. Every fight we have he is getting more and more controlling and ballsier with the physical stuff. He told me that he isnt happy anymore but he doesn't want a divorce. He just wants me to "change".

It is really confusing because his mother is a saint and his family is very close. I just dont understand where this rage comes from. I am tired of being threatened and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. I am tired of being made to feel guilty about not wanting to have sex. Why would I want to have sex with him if he can talk to me and treat me the way he does when he gets mad at me? He makes me feel guilty about damn near everything I do. It's exhausting.

I am 22 and I am scared of staying with him. I dont want the physical stuff to get worse and it is really hard feeling guilty about not wanting to make love when there seems like there is no love to be made. I want to get out before things get worse. I feel like I made a mistake. But there is still something inside of me that wonders if what he says has some truth to it. I just want to live life day to day and try to be happy. I know he hates his job and he doesn't get to talk to anyone all day long, but that isn't my fault! I tell him all the time to start looking for other jobs that he might like better. He never does.

I may not be as affectionate as I once was but after I found out about him asking his ex for nude pictures when we were engaged, a lot of the respect I had for him went out the window. I see him differently now. He also has mentioned that he would enjoy seeing me have sex with another man. That also made me lose respect for him. If his love for me was pure, how in the hell could he get pleasure from seeing me have sex with another man? I found it very perverse and repulsive.. This is another factor that aided in the dwindling away of our sex life.
I try to talk to his mother, but she doesn't see her "baby boy" the way I do. She doesn't believe that he is capable of doing anythign irrational. She just thinks that he is "stressed out and frustrated" from all of the arguing. Well, I am too! I wish I could make it stop!
It seems that the only thing that would make him happy is if I submit to sex every night and cowar at his every demand and worship the ground he walks on. I am not nor have I ever been the kind of person to let someone walk all over me and this is why we clash.

I have tried in the recent weeks to be more understanding of his needs and wants but he is still unhappy and he is still holding onto things. He is stuck in a mindset that will not allow him to be happy.

I just dont know what to do. I want to do the right thing. We have known each other for about five years now but we have only been married for about five months. To have things like this happening so shortly after getting married gives me little hope for the future. I dont know what to think anymore. I don't know what I can or can't say anymore and I dont know which day he will have another raging episode but it makes me not even want to come home.

 
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Old 03-17-2012, 07:43 AM   #2
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Re: I need outside opinions

Leave. He is unstable and you cannot help him. You are in danger! He does not love you! Leave! Please....Please

 
Old 03-17-2012, 09:54 AM   #3
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Re: I need outside opinions

You need to leave this unhealthy relationship as soon as possible. The violence will get worse as will the verbal abuse. He has no respect for you to break you personal possessions is just nasty. You are only 22 chalk this up as a mistake and be thankfull there are no children involved. You deserve so much better.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:00 PM   #4
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Re: I need outside opinions

please leave. This man is abusive. It will only get worse. you cannot change to suit him because no matter what you do it will not be good enough for him
please save yourself and leave and donot go back to him

 
Old 04-09-2012, 12:35 PM   #5
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Re: I need outside opinions

I agree with everyone else. You need to leave. I have been in a few abusive relationships and unfortunately I am the type to let ppl walk all over me however you are not and should have more strength to leave. If I did it surely you can. If you feel no desire for him and have lost love for him then why stay? I know it can be scary trying to leave and maybe your scared because you will lose all of your possessions but let me say this...would you rather live the rest of your life this way just for possessions or would you rather buy new things and live happy? Your 22 you have your whole life ahead of you and even special stuff your family has given you I am sure they would much rather you just left it all behind then stay just for the sake of that stuff, if they dont then maybe they need a reality check. Get out before he starts getting braver and starts making you have sex with him. Even though your married it is still rape if he forces you and then you might accidentally get a child involved and then think what he might do to that child.............Just get out now...start over go home if have to idk just do anything but stay with him. Its only five months wasted and dont look at it as a waste, look at it as a lesson on life. Be brave and good luck!!! AND DONT EVER GO BACK because he will always say Ill change but he never will....and the longer you stay just remember thats the more he will do and the higher chances that a baby will get involved.....and dont let him convince you that will change him because he might be a perv........just get out.

 
Old 04-12-2012, 06:50 PM   #6
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Re: I need outside opinions

You have one option basically. Leave and don't look back. In a one word description of him he is a Narcissist, controlling one at that. Statistics are if they are in their 20's and slightly earlier they will not recieve help. A narcissist rarely does anyway, they don't feel the need to because you and anyone else they snare in their trap they feel should idolize them. I went through 7 yrs of Hell w/daughters father. I was in 15 womens shelters,during his reign. Each time the promises, the threats, the beatings, the bones broken would get worse. Another statisitc with someone like that is the woman goes back 6 to 7 times to worsening treatments. After that the likely chance of you being carried out in a body bag greatens tremendously.

My ex hated his job too. You know who got hit upside the head? Me. You know who had broken ribs? Me. Whatever excuse at the time is what they will use. Brainwashing. You are brainwashed into believing you are the bottom of the barrel, they are superior, if not for them you would be nothing and nowhere. The quicker you leave that situation the less you will suffer from self esteem issues like I did for 20 yrs. Trust me on this, what I am telling you wil happen if you stay in this invironment. I didn't think so either but it took 7 yrs to finally leave and not look back but much longer to get over the emotional truama. I now have permanent PTSD, one reason is having a gun pointed to my head all night one night. The faces are different, the personalities of these types of people are not changed by you, me or most professionals becuase they wont go seek help or they think you are the one at fault. Stay safe. There is help out there, use it and dont go back.

 
Old 05-01-2012, 07:11 PM   #7
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Re: I need outside opinions

Broken - I have enough experience to tell you that you need to leave, no matter what the cost. He is abusive. He will break you down and before you know it you will feel worthless and lose yourself. Go ahead and click on my screenname and look at some of my past posts. I've been where you are. Although not physically abused, i was severely mentally and emotionally abuse. I've dealt with the naked pictures and the ex thing (as you can see in one of past my posts). I know exactly how you are feeling. You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Whatever you do, do NOT end up pregos with this man. You cannot deal with him for the rest of your life. Is there any drug use or alcohol? Im pleading with you, pleae leave. I am currently seperated from my husband now. I finally left and go my own place, but I have a child with him now. My husband is an addict. He is addicted to pills, porn, sex, gambling.. you name it, he's got a problem with it. I even found him on Craigslist meeting MEN on their casual encounters ads.

This is NOT going to get better. Only worse. Someone with a temper like that, who is controllin and threatening is dangerous and will not change. Especially if he loves you so much he wants you to have sex with another man. For real... GET OUT. Go to a shelter, a friends house, family, anywhere. Get a restraining order. Please, listen to me. Please. Get out, be safe.

 
Old 06-21-2012, 02:25 PM   #8
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Re: I need outside opinions

I am 29 years old and am contemplating a divorce from my husband. I could really use impartial advice from people neither of us know. Hand to God everything i write is accurate because i really do want a fair assessment. I have been married for less than 2 years but have known my husband since i was 16. We started dating in high school, broke up a few times then got back together at 22 bought a house together at 24 and got married at 27. Right before we got married my husband lost his job and became addicted to pain killers. That was in 2009 and since then he hasn't had a steady job. He states that he has been off the pain killers since 2009 as well and that he is working hard on finding steady employment. I have caught him in lies in the past and recently as well and don't know whether or not to believe him now or not. We do not have any children but I would love to have them in the future. But i am unsure if i should stay in this relationship or not. My whole family thinks i should divorce him and have felt that way for some time but my heart would not listen. Up until the other day i was determined to stand by him but caught him in another lie and this time i do believe it had been one lie too many. I feel sick to my stomach when i think of leaving but also feel the same way when i think of staying. Is this normal? what i make the decision to leave and its the biggest regret i will ever have... or what if i stay and its still the biggest regret i will ever have.. I cant talk to my family or friends about this because they all say the same thing... leave... can it really be that simple?

 
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