The first red flag should have been the fact that he wanted to get married so quickly after a break-up he had/us beginning to talk and hang out again. Or when we were planning our wedding with us being in two different states and I chose a photographer and got a lot of grief for it. I guess he felt like he knew more about photography than I did, because the woman he dated before we started talking again dabbled with photography. That should have been a red flag. If choosing the wedding photographer caused a fight, what the hell was I thinking when I assumed that the marriage would be fine?
Another red flag should have been his ex girlfriend telling me (after we were already married of course) that he had asked her for naked pictures shortly after him and I were engaged to be married. When I eventually found out about this I was infuriated.
I would have never married him if I had known that had happened, and I told him this. He acted as though because he had "learned a lesson from it" and "promised to never do it again" that I had no reason to be mad over it. Well, that was the first scar.
By this point, our sex life was barely a sex life at all. I did not have the drive to have sex with him. I felt betrayed and lied to. I felt like I had been "tricked" into marriage because SURELY the man I chose to marry wouldn't betray me DURING OUR ENGAGEMENT.
He has broken my phone, a necklace from an old boyfriend, pottery from an old friend/boyfriend from YEARS ago, the make-up mirror that my mother gave me for christmas, the doggie stairs that my mother gave me for our chihuahuas, and has threatened to break many more things.
One time I left the house because I needed to escape the screaming and insanity and he called and left me a voicemail that said "You have until minute thirty to come back or I"m breaking this, this, and this...etc."
Once when he was explaining how mad I made him, he said he "felt like knocking the teeth out of my head."
Last night he told me that he regretted marrying me, and called me pretty much every name in the book. I couldn't even try to go to sleep in the other room because he would scream for me to come back to bed or he would come get me. He threw me back on the bed and hit me over the head with a pillow (as hard as he could) when I tried to walk away. I know its a pillow, but it still HURT. My thumb still hurts from an episode we had about a month 1/2 ago. I thought it might be broken, I can't bend it the right way anymore. He has insulted my family. He called my dad names for "putting up with the way my mom treats him". He has screamed DIRECTLY into my ear. I'm talking, RIGHT UP TO MY EAR and screamed as loud as he could. When he sees me crying histarically, it only seems to enrange him even more. I just dont know what is safe to do or say to him anymore.
I am scared of him. Every fight we have he is getting more and more controlling and ballsier with the physical stuff. He told me that he isnt happy anymore but he doesn't want a divorce. He just wants me to "change".
It is really confusing because his mother is a saint and his family is very close. I just dont understand where this rage comes from. I am tired of being threatened and feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. I am tired of being made to feel guilty about not wanting to have sex. Why would I want to have sex with him if he can talk to me and treat me the way he does when he gets mad at me? He makes me feel guilty about damn near everything I do. It's exhausting.
I am 22 and I am scared of staying with him. I dont want the physical stuff to get worse and it is really hard feeling guilty about not wanting to make love when there seems like there is no love to be made. I want to get out before things get worse. I feel like I made a mistake. But there is still something inside of me that wonders if what he says has some truth to it. I just want to live life day to day and try to be happy. I know he hates his job and he doesn't get to talk to anyone all day long, but that isn't my fault! I tell him all the time to start looking for other jobs that he might like better. He never does.
I may not be as affectionate as I once was but after I found out about him asking his ex for nude pictures when we were engaged, a lot of the respect I had for him went out the window. I see him differently now. He also has mentioned that he would enjoy seeing me have sex with another man. That also made me lose respect for him. If his love for me was pure, how in the hell could he get pleasure from seeing me have sex with another man? I found it very perverse and repulsive.. This is another factor that aided in the dwindling away of our sex life.
I try to talk to his mother, but she doesn't see her "baby boy" the way I do. She doesn't believe that he is capable of doing anythign irrational. She just thinks that he is "stressed out and frustrated" from all of the arguing. Well, I am too! I wish I could make it stop!
It seems that the only thing that would make him happy is if I submit to sex every night and cowar at his every demand and worship the ground he walks on. I am not nor have I ever been the kind of person to let someone walk all over me and this is why we clash.
I have tried in the recent weeks to be more understanding of his needs and wants but he is still unhappy and he is still holding onto things. He is stuck in a mindset that will not allow him to be happy.
I just dont know what to do. I want to do the right thing. We have known each other for about five years now but we have only been married for about five months. To have things like this happening so shortly after getting married gives me little hope for the future. I dont know what to think anymore. I don't know what I can or can't say anymore and I dont know which day he will have another raging episode but it makes me not even want to come home.