PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take the time to read all this. It is very important to get the whole picture before I ask my question! Please don't close this thread just because you don't want to read it. Please!!!!!
Let me first preface this by saying the man I love and I did a very bad thing. I know it, he knows it, we are remorseful. Please, no more shame..we have enough.
Now, let me explain my side of it. I've been with a verbally abusive man for the last 12 years. He can also be very sweet and kind, and that is why I stayed for so long. I wanted out when he repeatedly put himself before a dying loved one of mine and was just not there for me whatsoever. I no longer loved him.
The other man's side. He was unhappy, but not for any particular reason, just something was missing. He married his wife for the wrong reasons, but stayed with her because it was good enough. She was a good friend to him. But wasn't always there for him as a wife, like going with him to funerals or making him talk when he would come home upset about work. He did love her, and she loved him.
The 4 of us had all been friends, but mostly the friendship was between me, my husband, and the other man, and only recently (but with much less contact still) with other wife. The friendship between myself and the other man blossomed. We just clicked. I told him that this was a bad thing, to have feelings for each other when we were both married. I warned him it would only end in heartache. I protected my heart. Yet we both still fell fast and hard in love.
Then, all the crazy coincidences. We would text each other the exact same thing at the exact same time, and it would have nothing to do with the current topic. One of us would text the other a line from a song, and the other would be listening to that song on the radio at that very moment. We woke up in the middle of the night at the same time many nights (we would text each other when we woke up during the night). One time I cracked a joke about me having his best friend kick him in the shin for me. I had never joked about that before. Then he sent me a pic of his shin with a huge bruise from that friend doing just that the day before! Another time, if you used to watch Friends, you may remember the Lobster episode, where Phoebe explains how everyone has a lobster, they mate for life, etc. I'd been wanting to say that to him, and finally did one morning. That same night, I'm looking through the guide on my TV, see Friends, which I hadn't watched in years, and turn it on, and it is that exact episode. THIS KIND OF STUFF HAPPENED EVERY SINGLE DAY. I stopped believing in higher powers, fate, etc a long time ago, but this SCREAMED exactly that. I told him we were slapping fate in the face if we weren't together.
We debated what to tell our spouses. Do it the right way and just leave, but risk having the spouse insist on "working it out," or doing the honest thing, telling them everything, be able to make clean breaks, but then live with having hurt them like that, the shame of being labeled a cheater (this was new to both of us...not in either of our characters at all, despite what most people think of someone who has cheated). Long story short, we went the honest route. He told his wife first. I told my husband a few days later. The other guy was miserable alone and insisted I come be with him rather than me going to a family member's house for a while. So two days after telling my husband, and 5 days after him telling his wife, I moved to be with him.
The first week was great. But then she never stopped telling him how poorly she was doing. She didn't stop sending pics and stories about the pets she refused to let him have. (NO KIDS!!! But he is VERY much an animal person, and his pets are his kids..I'm the same way, too) She guilt tripped him every single day, quoting things from their wedding, reminding him he promised her they would grow old together. How could either of them possibly move on like that????
Fast forward 3 weeks. Three full weeks of us living together and her communicating like that, and he finally broke down. He came home sobbing. He said he felt that he owed it to her to try to make it work. He needed closure. Either to try to make it work or for her to tell him she didn't want to. But either way, he wanted to be alone for a while. I'm devastated. I thought if this was going to happen, it would happen in those first 5 days before me coming up. He made himself sick that night, literally. He could not stand to hurt me, but it was also killing him to have hurt her. Despite the way this went down, he is an honorable man. A man of his word. That is the only reason he seems to be doing this..guilt over the commitment he made. He wants me...that is not my assumption. He told me repeatedly.
So 3 days later, I left my soulmate so he could try to make it work with his wife. I haven't eaten in 5 days. I can barely function. I am having a numb moment long enough to post this.
My question is, what are your thoughts or experiences with this scenario? How likely is it to work out between them? How likely is it that he will follow his heart rather than his guilt??? Please be honest!
Last edited by KeepMeInMind; 03-28-2012 at 02:26 PM.
The following user gives a hug of support to KeepMeInMind: KatherineGAC (04-09-2012)
I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. This is a very difficult situation for you all. If he went back to her just because he was feeling guilty I cannot see it lasting. I think the best thing you can do is too give him some space to work out what he wants, meanwhile you have to start looking after yourself, 5 days without eating is not helping anything.
I know. I wish I could eat, but even looking at food makes me nauseous. Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. Like I said, he chose ME/US. When I first told him I loved him, he said it right back and said he wanted to wake up with me every day. The few weeks we were together, I always had to sit up for a few minutes before going to bed (belly kind of full from taking medicine), and I would hold him, and run my fingernails over his back and shoulders until he fell asleep on me. I miss that so much. I'd give anything for that again. He dozed off once while I was still there (after he told me all this), and I video'd him snoring with my phone. The dumbest thing..I miss listening to him snore.
Just an update. We spoke on the phone this morning, and all contact has been cut off. He is doing the same with her. He is focusing on himself and his business. He does want me to continue to talk to his best friend..kind of a way for us to check on each other without directly speaking. Of course, we will both only do it as a means of updating, not any kind of interference or persuasion.
Also, I ate for the first time last night. Just a few bites. Then ate a little this morning. Again..just a few bites. I LOVE food, and ate nonstop when we got together. Bad food, too. Cookies, chips, candy, fried food..whatever I wanted (my husband used to watch what I eat for me, call me fat, etc). I'm lighter now than before we got together..lightest I've been since my early 20s.
If it means anything, he and I are both in our 30s.
Hi, I am glad you have started eating. He is giving himself some space to think in my opinion. That is a good thing, he is also checking you are all right through his friend. I do not think you have any choice but to leave him be for the moment and see what happens.
Another twist in all this is that we are both public figures in a certain hobby/community. He owns a business well known in that community. Us doing what we did was a huge risk that we both thought out (making our relationship known). We've both been dragged though the mud publicly for a few weeks now. Daily. We knew this was going to happen, though, and we both decided it was worth the risk. We are both shunned by the community, as expected.
It is so hard to think back to things like this, of how absolutely sure he was, only to have him end it. I respect his commitment to her, but I just keep going back to...this is what he wanted. I didn't pressure him. I didn't rush him. It was planned. He wanted this.
The following user gives a hug of support to KeepMeInMind: merri2 (04-07-2012)
I know that you going through something difficult but you will find the strength to move on. A married man is always likely to try things again so please be careful who you give your heart to. Maybe they will not work out and he will come back, but be mentally prepared for the opposite. I am married and we are having problems and I hope we work things out. I also don't want him to break any hearts in the process. Good luck and remember that you are beautiful and you will find love again.
True love is difficult to understand, love in general is difficult. If you love something, let it go, If it is meant to be it will come back to you. You love this man, you let him go even though it hurt you so deeply, that love though if it is meant to be will bring him back to you so have hopes and for now prove that you can be the same person without him but he is still the one you will do anything for but please please do not let your feelings get in the way of your health or of how he could possibly use you later in life. I have been through some difficult times with relationships and abuse, and if he knows you would do anything for him I hope that he remains honorable enough to not have you do anything for him and still not be your one and only so please just be careful and think of yourself. the rest will come with time and patience if it is meant to be until then live your life love and be happy I wish you the best of luck!
Good you are eating. You I think know you must give him time to think things through and let fate take it's course. If all that occured prior to you getting together then if its in the fate cards you will be back together. But he needs time to break the ties with her and if you give him time to be by himself he will sooner be able to make a clear decision with feeling the need to go back to her. If you force the situation you will force him away to what he is familiar with. Send happy comforting thoughts his way, thoughts are very powerful, the more positive you send the better.
All the best for your good outcome. Eat to gain strength and have strength for positive thoughts and love towards him.
Thank you, all! Had a very positive few days, but then he pulled away again. I'm very confused. He is not one to string someone along, so when he sent HUGE signals, I believed them. But at the same time, I do understand that it has only been 3 weeks today since I left, and that is not enough time. So maybe he knows what he wants, what makes him happy, but it is going to take more time. He is also the type to not want me to get my hopes up for nothing, so that may be why he reached out then pulled back. I know that he would want to know 1000 times for sure that it's over between them before letting me get excited. At the same time, he has not told me that he and I are over, that I need to move on, etc. We don't talk, but messages are relayed. This is a new development.