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Old 03-28-2012, 11:09 AM   #1
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rhochradel HB User
Unhappy Not sure how to feel

My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. Our marriage has not been a bed of roses I can tell you that. At one time or another both of us have cheated, but I thought we had worked through everything. I thought we were on the right path and for once we were in a good place. Apparently the joke was one me. He came to me about a month and a half ago and asked did I care if he talked to his old pen pal (a woman) from up north. I did not see the harm in it, he has connected with a few friends this way. I later learned that she is going through a very bad divorce and now my husband says that for the last year he has been thinking about us getting divorced.

I have been totally taken a back by this. The bad things is I have no where to go or I would leave. I am currently a nursing student and I have about a year and a half till I am done with school. He wants me to finish school and then file for divorce. But along the way he is talking to the other woman every night for hours (3 to 4). He says that they are only friends. The other thing that I am concerned about is our 3 children (14,12,7). I know that I have not been the best wife, but I am just so lost as to how I am going to make it through this.

I feel like such a failure. I am 35 years old and this will be my 2nd divorce. My oldest is from my first marriage and now she will be going through this again. I feel like a failure as a mother and as a person. I am just so utterly confused and an emotional wreak.

Sorry about rambling

 
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Old 03-28-2012, 03:02 PM   #2
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KeepMeInMind HB User
Re: Not sure how to feel

Do you trust him? Do you feel like if you asked him to stop talking to her that he would?

 
Old 03-28-2012, 03:27 PM   #3
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Re: Not sure how to feel

I know he would not stop talking to her. I asked him the other day what his feelings were towards her. He told me that he really liked her but neither of them are in a place to pursue anything.

It will be a long 2 years, but I need to be able to take care of my kids, so I just going to have to concentrate on my kids, school, and myself. What he does I guess will be on his own conceisous.

 
Old 03-28-2012, 04:03 PM   #4
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Re: Not sure how to feel

Absolutely. Do what is best for you. I'm newly single myself and it is extremely scary, and I don't have kids to feed! All I can do for myself is to think of all the strong men and women out there who picked themselves up and moved on. If they can do it, I can do it. And that's hard because I am not a strong person. But I still know I can. You can, too!

 
Old 03-28-2012, 04:44 PM   #5
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Re: Not sure how to feel

This is a very scary process. I have never been on my own before. When I graduated high school, I moved from my parents in with my 1st husband. Then when he and I separated I went back to my parents. Six months after my 1st divorce was final I got married to my current husband.

So as you can see I have never been on my own and I am hoping I can do it. But at least I will have 2 years to prepare for it. My husband and I are hoping to use a mediator when the time comes.

 
Old 03-29-2012, 07:54 AM   #6
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Re: Not sure how to feel

I'm right there with you. I moved right from my mom's house to my soon to be exhusband's house, and we were together 12 years. Last month, I left him for another man. Again, not living on my own. Now I find myself at my mom's. I don't even know if I'm supposed to pick up and move on or wait it out because the future with the new man is sketchy and very complicated at the moment. The uncertainty of that makes it even scarier for me. Sorry to hijack, just sharing so you know you are very much not alone.

Last edited by KeepMeInMind; 03-29-2012 at 07:55 AM.

 
Old 03-29-2012, 08:01 AM   #7
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Re: Not sure how to feel

I don't mind in the least. For me I think I am going to stay away from relationships for a while. While our marriage is really just a technicality at this point, I will wait to have anything go on between me and another man. When all of this came to light I was dead set on never getting married again or having a relationship again. However I have rethought this. While I am not sure about marriage again, I am not going to shy away from a relationship if one comes my way. I feel that I deserve to be happy once all of this is said and done.

 
Old 03-29-2012, 08:25 AM   #8
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Re: Not sure how to feel

I completely agree. I feel the same. Especially since I am waiting to see if mine comes back to me (the new man, not ex). It's a delicate situation so anything could happen. Even if I knew I needed to move on, I seriously can't even THINK about it. Nor do I, on paper, want to get into that bs again any time soon. So many worries, fears..ugh..it consumes you..

 
Old 04-03-2012, 11:58 PM   #9
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Re: Not sure how to feel

Hi...do you still really love him? Is there any way to get him into counseling with you? It seems like this other woman is influencing his feelings since he didn't mention divorce before.
If there is any way to try to work it out,it is worth a try...My marriage of 15 years has now ended and I would give anything to keep it together,but it is beyond repair at this point.I have been in therapy by myself trying to handle all the emotions.It feels like a death...I have been with my husband so long I don't know much else.I don't really like change and this is very confusing and heart breaking.

Neither of us can move out just yet either,so we have been trying to coexist peacefully in the same house hold too.We don't fight or anything,it just feels so strange being in separate rooms.

I still love my husband so much and always will...this is so hard...
I never thought I would get divorced.You are definitely not alone.

 
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Old 04-06-2012, 02:59 AM   #10
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Re: Not sure how to feel

I am sorry to hear that you have been going through so much lately. I am going through an ordeal myself. I know it hurts and you love him but you must remain strong. Stand your ground and try everything that is possible. If you try all the alternatives: talking to him, giving him space, or seeking counseling and none of these work then it may be no saving the marriage.

My marriage on the other hand is in trouble as well. My husband just told me before we went to bed that he wants a divorce. It hurt so much and all he could ask me is why I can't get over it. He said that I might as well pack my stuff. I feel very sad & sick. I've come onto this blog to try to help others as well as ease my pain. I'm confused, hurt, & feel stupid & desperate for even trying to make it work if he isn't.

Peace & Love

 
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Old 04-09-2012, 12:06 PM   #11
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Re: Not sure how to feel

Let me tell you something, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. This is his decision and you cannot change who or what a person wants unfortionatly. All you can do is move on and make the best of things for you and your children. Honestly it seems to me that he is not being completly honest with you why else did he want to start communicating with her, to me it seems more is going on then meets the eye and maybe it just isnt worth it. I feel so horrible for you to be stuck living there with him having to feel that way and knowing how he feels about her and still seeing him every day and night. I commend you for not just picking up and running away and still trying to do what you can for yourself and your kids. I too have been through divorce, am still currently trying to finish it off however I was the one who wanted the divorce. We married for all the wrong reasons, I was young, pregnant, and everyone told us we needed to for the baby and then the topper, because it would make our taxes even better....anyways divorce is hard and can be hard on children but sometimes staying together can be just as bad on the kids. My ex husband and I never talked I was always crying and we never were intimate at least not often and that from a child's perspective is just as bad as separation. to just do the best for you and once again I think of you so highly for being able to keep going the way you are and I wish you the best of luck. I can tell you that your older daughter might not understand yet but she will and you never know she might understand because she sees you she I am sure can see that you are truly hurting and that is not good for you. Just have faith I know you can do it!

 
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