My issues hurt the person I loved the most.
Hello. I am not sure which subject to post this under, because I am dealing with many different aspects of my own personal struggle.
Here goes: I was with a woman for a year and a half. We did everything together, and we recently went on a life changing road trip. We have similar tastes in almost everything, and she's the only girl who is almost as cynical as me. Basically, I love her very much, and would do anything for her.
I have this problem though, I feel the need to flirt with other women, especially online. I masturbate VERY often also. I go after these women, get off thinking about them, and then i never want to have anything to do with them. I have been doing this for years, but I couldn't stop when I had a girlfriend. I have a very addictive personality, I went from marijuana, to alcohol, to harder stuff sometimes........Now I am realizing that I am facing some serious addiction issues, alcohol and sex being the worst.
My girlfriend and I had good sex, but not as often as she wanted, cause i was always pre occupied by masturbation or fantasies of other women. The real problem is, that i LOVED my girlfriend, more than I can even explain, but some kind of self destruct happens in my brain and I WANT these other things. I only want them tho, I never actually went out with any other girls in person. Anyway, i left my ******** logged onto her computer one day and she found a few conversations i Had with other girls. They weren't sexual in nature. But she knew I had been talking to other girls. She dumped me on the spot.
She is the sweetest girl in the world and my best friend. I hurt her, and I can't live with it, and I can't live without her. I have been crying randomly for days about nothing, drinking non stop, can't sleep, can't eat. I can't live with this guilt. I have thought about suicide, but I have too much more to live, and I could never do that to my family. I really just want to talk to someone, since I can't tell this to my friends because it is something no one but me knows about.
I just want my best friend back, and I want help fighting these demons that have ruined many many aspects of my life, put me in jail, and now caused me to hurt the one person I cared about most. Anyway. Thats my story.