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Old 09-29-2012, 10:55 PM   #1
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Unhappy Husband is an addict I am so confused

I have been married for 15 years and between porn addiction and now he is an alcoholic how do I bounce back? I gave him 30 days to move out, however how do I protect myself. When he moves out I told him that he needs to focus on himself and not to have any contact with me for 2 months. He lies all of the time, and recently I discovered he stole money from me to pay for his addictions. I am so hurt and confused? We are separating but I am wondering if that will be a wake up call to him. My husband is also a chronic liar. I am at the beginning stage of kicking hiim out, but I have no idea on what do to next. Any advice??

 
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Old 11-29-2012, 10:13 PM   #2
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

First of all, big hugs and I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I was in a similar situation about a year ago and you really are at the worst stage right now. First of all, I know things are incredibly scary right now, but congratulations on your bravery! It's always easier to go with the status quo than it is to push for change. Asking for a separation takes real strength. He's an adult and you're not responsible for taking care of him. We all have our issues, but you deserve a partner who is working his butt off to fight his addictions and compulsive lying and is able to be a support to you too. If he's not doing this, by continuing to live with him you're sending the message that it's okay to act like this in a marriage. Of course, it's not.

I really hope that this time apart will be a wake up call for him, but remember that it might also be a wake up call for you. When I separated from my husband, his self-destruction increased (i.e. quit his job, addictions worsened, treated me poorly in counseling), but I needed to see that. I'm in the final stages of my divorce now and watching what happened when I stepped back gave me the clarity that I needed to move forward. Even though it was the hardest thing I've ever been through, 13 months later the world is looking a hell of a lot brighter and I'm genuinely happy for the first time in about 3 years.

That's not to say you're heading for a divorce. Our society puts a lot of value on decisiveness, but I promise you that you will know in your bones when the time comes to either file for divorce or move back in with him. I'd really encourage you to take as much time as you need to let that decision come to you. I cannot say how important a great couples counselor is at this juncture. Remember that good counselor has seen the inner workings of thousands of marriages and can help you work through issues like no one else can. If there's any way you can afford it, go weekly. I'd also recommend a counselor for yourself too, it's an investment in the future you.

It was also helpful for me to remember that addiction and codependency often go hand in hand. Remember that you are your own person apart from this relationship and use this time apart to work on yourself and observe his behavior like an outsider. Try to put on your anthropologist's hat and ask yourself, what would I tell my friend if she told me her husband was acting like this? Remember that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. If he doesn't try to change and you jump back in and rescue him, you're not only doing yourself a disservice, you're doing him a disservice too. It might feel like you're being ripped in two when you separate, but you need to have nerves of steel and stick to your guns about wanting 2 months of no contact (except for counseling). If you need to, have a friend screen any emails or voicemails these for you and give you only the critical information in their own words. Be prepared for him to guilt trip you for leaving, to swear he'll change, to get angry, etc. On a practical level, if you're concerned for your safety, even just a little bit, go get a lawyer and file for a legal separation. This is easy to do and will allow you to change your locks and separate your finances from him, but it's not a divorce filing.

Also, remember the basics of self-care. Lean on friends and family members--that's what they're there for! If you don't have anyone that you can talk to openly who's just there for you, join a support group for separated people. Take good care of yourself--eat right, exercise, sleep lots, avoid alcohol and drugs, don't begin any new relationships or make any other big life shifts and above all remember to go easy on yourself. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through, you're not going to be functioning like you normally do and that's okay.

You are doing a really brave thing! Much love on your journey, I'll be thinking about you and I promise that either way it goes, it will get better.

 
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Old 03-11-2013, 11:19 PM   #3
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

Isillyme, i hope things have calmed down in life and feel your pain. I agree with Chicky77. Your feedback hit home with me as my spouse decided he wasn't happy in our marriage after only 6 months! Moved out 2 months ago... Limbo is no fun but it does allow time to work out issues and forces one to have new perspective.
I do think it's necessary to protect oneself legally & financially and second the advice to file for separation if you haven't done so.
Let us know how your doing.

 
Old 03-11-2013, 11:20 PM   #4
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

Isillyme, i hope things have calmed down in life and feel your pain. I agree with Chicky77. Your feedback hit home with me as my spouse decided he wasn't happy in our marriage after only 6 months! Moved out 2 months ago... Limbo is no fun but it does allow time to work out issues and forces one to have new perspective.
I do think it's necessary to protect oneself legally & financially and second the advice to file for separation if you haven't done so.
Let us know how your doing.

 
Old 03-12-2013, 01:55 AM   #5
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

isillyme,

I also applaud you for asking yourself the really hard questions, and I am sorry for all the pain and confusion that has lead you here.

Between the porn and alcohol addictions,you will always be inthird place, when you should be number one. With 15 years of marriage behind you, the fact that he has added this new addiction to alcohol to his older addiction to porn, it begs the question of what might come next?

I have a family member who is a compulsive liar, and that is something that runs very deep. Recovery from that is very rare, as it marks a very deep feeling of low self worth, which is very difficult to rise above. Particularly with another addiction added on top, masking the symptoms.

Since actions speak louder than words, it will be up to him to clearly demonstrate any decision by him to change. His words cannot be trusted as you know, so any recovery from these two issues will be up to you to decide, both when and how. I imagine it would take me years to ever believe him, with a perfect record of honesty from now till then.

How much more time you are willing to wait for his healthy self to grow into a man you can trust, love and respect? That is up to you to decide.

Addiction is an illness itself, resistant to treatment and prone to relapse.

I would encourage you to take time for yourself to live on your ow,n free of the impact of a porn loving alcoholic, and see how you feel in a few months. Since marriage is supposed to be a lifetime contract, be very sure if you can continue to commit to that kind of contract with him. You are strong enough to do this for yourself. Keep us posted on how things go. We are here to help.

 
Old 03-25-2013, 12:01 PM   #6
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

I have been separated from my husband now since Thanksgiving. I had Christmas with my family, and he had Christmas with his family. I have no desire to live with addictions. I have managed to keep my job, and staying close to my friends. My husband comes over to walk our dog, and I know when he has been drinking. His sister is part of the problem. My husband has severe disabilities, only his addictions is not a disablity and they are enabling him to continue on. I am not living with his addictions. I am also not living with a falsehood that I have been living with for so long. I am finding I like living alone. I have my furbabies, and thankful they are keeping me grounded. My finances have taken a big hit, but in time that will work out. I know what I want which is to be with a partner that manages to stay sober. I am managing to have a relationship with myself first. For me that is a first. Taking time to smell the roses, instead of wondering what other self destruction path my husband is on.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:09 PM   #7
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

I'd skip the seperation and go straight for the divorce......
do you realize you are liable for any spending he does.....runs up a credit card due to his addictions, etc

 
Old 03-27-2013, 06:24 AM   #8
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

I am going through marriage counseling on Friday. I feel so confused, but I am also managing things on my own. I had enough of the addictions. This is emotional abuse, only he doesn't see it that way. I feel so much anger, and I am hoping to get through to him one way or the other. I am doubtful on that. His sister and his brother are helping with his finances, but they too are more like parental than brother and sister. The more his siblings try to control him the more his addictions are in gear. But I am so sick of the addictions. I thought I married a grown up, and truth be told if anyone on his family ever told me about his addictions before we got married, I wouldn't have married him.
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Old 03-27-2013, 10:27 AM   #9
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

marriage counselling for what? he's not going to change.....
maybe you're going to just find out how you can deal with things, but I really think the time and money would be better spent on a good attorney

 
Old 04-18-2013, 10:33 AM   #10
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

Marriage counseling is not going to solve your problems...This may prolong the pain of going forward and doing what you said you want to do...IMO, addictions are the most difficult habits to break...Either you quit and go cold turkey (no matter what the addiction) or it can become a "I'm trying and doing better" game in life...Not easy, but it can be done...Good luck...ILD....

 
Old 05-14-2013, 06:21 AM   #11
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Re: Husband is an addict I am so confused

Not everyone believes in just calling it quits when the going gets rough. I commend you on at least trying. If it doesn't work then so be it, but at least you is trying.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-27-2014 at 12:58 AM.

 
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