It’s funny how up and down life can be. One day you can feel good about life, good about where your heading…then a few minutes later you can be crying on the floor wishing you could just speak to your kids, just see their smiles and give them a hug.
All I want is to move on and have peace. I spent so much of my life hurting…wanting…needing…and after two months of being alone I’m finally starting to like myself. To be able to live with myself even though I’m still neck deep in a very tough situation. I don’t care about the money, I don’t care about any of the BS, I only care about my kids. I haven’t had any contact with them whatsoever that I can’t even remember their voices.
Thank good ness for this board…it’s my way to vent without people actually knowing exactly who I am or my situation. Only two people in my life even know that I write stuff like this and both encouraged me to do so. At least I know I can trust them because if my soon to be ex-wife found out about this, she would know that I still love her…she’d know how weak I am to still miss and want her despite all she has done to me and all that I have done to her. I don’t care if she hates me for the rest of my life and I am fine with our divorce but she will always be my family…she and my three kids will always be my family even if we are technically divorced and apart and even if she remarries. I wish I could tell her everything…I wish I could tell ANYONE everything. People don’t know ½ the story and the ½ they do know is ½ wrong. But if she read this she wouldn’t believe any of it.
I hope they are okay. I am doing my best to pay the bills and provide what I can…I can do more, I will do more. She is rough though, she has not made things easy. She has written a lot of lies about me lately that are pretty devastating to read and swallow. I am being painted as a violent, abusive husband. I have been hit a thousand times and never hit my wife but I’m the violent one??? It’s hard to deal with…BUT…I know she is feeling a lot of pain and I understand that she is trying her best to do what she thinks is best for her, to defend herself, to protect her situation. So as much as it hurts me to read it, as much as it hurts me to be apart from my children, as much as it worries me to have charges against me and my life on the line…I still love them with all my heart and I will be as strong as strong can be. I will be the best man I can be.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-22-2012 at 12:09 AM.
It hurts to see the words you have typed, as I can tell the great sense of pain and hurt you are experiencing. It is evident in your words. I am so very sorry.
Of course, I do not know the details of your story, but I take your words as the truth and without judgement. The mistakes you claim to have made are really hard to read, as they seem to be simply marks of human fraility. We have all done things we regret to keep a love interest, we have all done things that embarrass us. Without any details, I cannot imagine what you might have done to please a mate hat got you in trouble, but there must be a thousand things that would do it.
As far as your last comment, the most painful one to write, understandably...never forget the power of love though, it does work and it is purest in our childrens hearts.
My deepest concern and support for you...
Janet
I put up with cheating and cheating and cheating and drug abuse and drug abuse and drug abuse. The last cheating issue was over three years with a guy. She claims that they never had sex and that it was just talking but she doesn’t understand that in many ways that is even worse. I could see a one night sexual encounter, something you do with little thought on based on animal instinct. But what she did was an intimate, long term emotional attachment, emotional relationship. She can’t understand how devastating that would be to find out about. She can’t understand how hard it was on me. She can’t understand that I need long term counseling, psychiatric treatment, and medication in order to deal with the pain of all that has happened and that my reactions were not my own but a result of a severe emotional reaction to her actions. All she cares about is revenge and hurting me…and she is doing both very well.
I didn’t do nearly what she thinks I did and what I did isn’t nearly as bad as she thinks…she is getting bad advice and bad information. But I don’t have the energy or desire to try to fight anymore. I’ve fought for her my entire life, I’ve for everything I’ve had my entire life. I am soooooo tired. I am lonely, depressed, a little driven, a little focused, a little bit of everything. It’s funn y how it works that way.
I’ve read dozens, maybe even hundreds of messages on all of these message boards from divorce, to mental disease, to obesity, to physical problems and everything else listed on this site. It is completely amazing to read about some of the trauma that people have to go through. I want it to put my life in perspective and help me realize that my life isn’t that bad…unfortunately, I just can’t do it. I understand how tough people have it. I see how tough people have it. But it doesn’t make my situation any other. It doesn’t make my pain any more palatable. It doesn’t make my missing my kids any less easy. It doesn’t make missing my family, hell even my wife and puppies, any easier. I do feel horribly for people in the situations they are in and I am often compelled to try and do something to help…write something, say something motivating or uplifting…but in the end. My words of help can’t even help myself most of the time. I have to depend on others to keep my strong and my support group is so small it’s almost nonexistent.
In the end…I can only hope that all the people and all the pain expressed on these boards get better. That we all get better. I am doing my best to be strong and I hope everyone else is doing the same thing.
That was a wonderful post, acknowledging that each of us here have some issues we are seeking support for, or offering encouragement to others from those who have been where they are now. As we all know, there will always be those smarter than us, and those not blessed with book knowledge. The same goes for our looks, our luck our backgrounds. It is when we take everything we are blessed with to use to better ourselves and to offer ourselves to others. It it true, that if we look around we will always see those suffering more or less than ourselves.
But those who really rise to the top, are those brave enough to look at themselves honestly, and ask for help where we are short, and to offer help with those things we are gifted with. We dont ever have to be completely needy, or completely giving. It is when we are in balance with our shortness and our greatness. it is ok to be sad and lonely and reach out, and it is great to respond, as we have all been there.
I have enjoyed reading your posts, and look forward to your next posts!
