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Old 10-16-2012, 04:20 PM   #1
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seven2030three HB User
--Yesterday my life was heading in one direction and today in another—

--Yesterday my life was heading in one direction and today in another—

I had that within a movie trailer recently and it really got me thinking…This is very true for me. Yesterday (not literally of course, metaphorically) I had a wife that I loved with all my heart, three kids that meant the world to me and who I knew would always be there for me, a good house, pets, a great job…I had what one would consider the typical suburban family. I had the family that both my wife and I were denied growing up and for the most part, I thought it was great. But overnight, it all went away.

I’ve had a lot of epiphanies lately, I a lot of time to reflect and look back on my life…my mistakes…my regrets…my accomplishments…everything. I regret that I wasn’t always the perfect husband. I regret that during the early part of my relationship that I had a temper. I learned to control my temper and over the last ½ decade or so, I feel strongly that I am in control of it. I regret that as a youngster I was immature and controlling of my partner. I loved her but the cheating left me with little trust. I felt that I was moving in the right direction before all this mess occurred. I rarely questioned where she went; I didn’t tell her what to spend our money on or who to be friends with. Sometimes I expressed my concerns, but I tried to do so respectfully and with an ear to her side. I doubt that I did enough to appease her in this department but I never held her back like I’m sure she thinks I did.

My main regret is that it took me so long to realize that I wasn’t ever right for her. She never loved me, she just stuck with me to try and save her family and have a family. She might’ve thought she loved me at some point, but I realized recently that it was never true love. As stupid as it sounds…I truly loved her. She will never forgive me for some of the dumb things I did in our relationship and she will always blame me for things that I didn’t do…I’ll never be able to show her the truth about the situation. But despite all that she has done to me…all the lies, the cheating, the drugs…I still love her. I can’t say that I forgive her, but I can say that I love her. It might not make sense but it is the truth.

You might ask why I’m writing all this??? I guess it’s another therapeutic exercise but it’s also an affirmation, a realization. I now understand that I was never loved by her, that it was never real. I now understand that I am heading in another NEW direction. I did my best to be the best father, husband, provider, care-giver, lover, friend possible and it wasn’t good enough for her. Now I must move on. Now I have moved on. My tears won’t stop, my sadness won’t stop, my need for medication and psychiatric support won’t stop. But what will top is my hope for a future with the one I love. What will stop is my love for that person. What will happen is that I am finally ready to move on. I’ve survived hell on earth since I was a baby and none of it has prepared me for the pain I’ve felt over the last couple of months and I don’t look forward to the pain I am going to have to endure in the future. But I am going to do it with the goal, with the knowing fact, that I am a new man, in a new direction. I will not fight court battles, or beg for visitation, or continue to pander to other peoples desires or wills. I will focus on myself and my emotional and mental well-being. I will be what I felt I could be as a young teenager growing up…back then I just knew I was better than the circumstances I was living in and that I would do something about it. Well…the sleeper has finally awakened. My eyes are closed no more. Whatever happens with my civil and criminal cases will not define me. What will define me is what I say defines me. If that means moving to Seattle, then that’s what I’ll do. I had an interesting talk with someone about a potentially great job offer in Australia. 18-24 months on the other side of the world doing something better for the world. That sounds fantastic to me.

So to all the lonely, sad, lost people coming to this board looking for advice…looking for help…not knowing what to do. I write this to you. No one can define you. No one circumstance can ruin your life. No matter what happens, life will go on. You are in control of yourself even if you aren’t always in control of your situation. Strength isn’t always measured the same way and as crazy as it sounds…time makes a difference and we all can make a difference for ourselves. If you can’t see your kids, it’s not the end of the world. If you did your best then you did your best. If your husband or wife cheated on you that is there loss. If they left you because you were sick…that is there loss. If you don’t think you can do better and you feel like you will be alone for the rest of your life…that simply isn’t true. For one, being alone isn’t as bad as you think it is and for two, if the person who left you or who you are leaving doesn’t want to be with you…let it go…let it go…let it go. Give yourself a chance to be happy with yourself and happiness will find you. It only makes sense because if you are happy with yourself, what else do you need? Someone truly happy, confident, self-aware is someone I want to meet and someone I want to be. Peace and love my fellow travelers.

 
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Old 11-05-2012, 11:05 AM   #2
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sixxswine HB User
Re: --Yesterday my life was heading in one direction and today in another—

I can relate to a lot of what you're speaking of. My wife dropped me the bomb on July 7th and my life went into a tail spin. All I can say is don't beat yourself up-- marriage issues are a 50-50 thing. Make the needed corrections so that you can better yourself. I guess the one thing I've been hearing over and over is time. I hate that! It appears to be the truth though.

 
Old 06-20-2013, 07:27 AM   #3
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writerchick9557 HB User
Re: --Yesterday my life was heading in one direction and today in another—

Thank you for taking the time to write that. It helps to know that others feel the same kinds of things.

 
Old 08-31-2013, 12:02 PM   #4
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Re: --Yesterday my life was heading in one direction and today in another—

I honestly feel like I could have written your post. Probably 80% of what you've written closely follows my own path. I am in process of ending 15 year marriage, we have 3 lovely daughters together. The first couple years we were married I was immature and wasn't a very good husband. She had an affair, and it was a huge wake up call to me. I got my act together and have been a different person ever since. For last decade have had a way above average job and lifestyle and try to spend every free second with my daughters and until she left her. However the affairs never stopped, every 2 to three years it would happen and would be blamed on me. I constantly changed and tried to make her happy, I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I have given up all friends and hobbies or interests and tried to just please her. It is very painful when the truth sets in and you realize that you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back and never has. I still love her eventhough she has hurt me as we'll as the children over and over. My daughters chose to stay with me, I find myself still feeling sorry for her and inviting her to functions we have so she can see them. They don't want to see her, but I still feel its the right thing to do. The most recent affair was revealed 2 days before she graduated college. She also had some addiction problems kids noticed way before I did sadly. We've all encouraged her to her help. Nothing has come from it she doesn't see a problem, and you can't make someone right theirself. It is so hard feel like I should hate her, but I don't still paying part of her bills and I truly hurt when she hurts. Thought it would be a wake up call when she moved out and I wasn't there to blame anymore but it wasn't she keeps blaming me.

 
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