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livinglife721 · 12-21-2012, 08:34 AM

This is my first post to HealthBoards, so please bear with me if I mess up here and there on the rules. That said...

Im a 35 year old educated professional guy, who was in a very unhappy marriage for 4 years. After 4 years of alcoholism (on her part), I realized that I couldn't do anything else to help (some may say I quit), and moved out. Yes, I did love her, and it took me 2 years after moving out to fully cut my ties and file for divorce. We had no relationship in that two years and barely talked. 10 months ago, I started dating an amazing girl. I was extremely honest to her about everything. About life, and how my marriage was, and how i was still very scared of getting into relationships. My current relationship has helped me move on, and I feel much strongly about this girl.

Here lies the problem. She lives in a different city. The LD relationship is not a problem. Actually helpful, cause its allowing me to heal and move on. But she is wants to move to the same city. Which, how I feel now...is PERFECT. I want her to be close, so we can get to know each other more and better. However, she says we should LIVE together. My knee jerk response was "im not ready" . I feel like that came across as I dont want to be with you to her. She is really upset now, and anytime moving comes in discussion, she really just shuts down, and seems visibly upset.
This is very opposite of her in general. She never gets upset or mad. I mean we have literally argued once in the last 10 months. However, I feel like she cant understand how difficult it is for me to just jump into the boat again. To me living mean long term committment, and marriage to follow...NOTHING WRONG with that. And in my mind, I do see her as the one I will end up with in my life. But I just cant get the point across, NOT YET. I mean my paperwork isnt even final yet for my divorce.

She says its been 2 years, and if I cant move on and take this step now, then something is wrong.

Now I am coming to the feeling that maybe there is

Any thoughts or comments? Im sure there are more of people like me out there.

rosequartz · 12-21-2012, 08:41 AM

there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your way of thinking......
I think it's too soon also! If she is "the one", then your relationship will stand the test of time. I wouldn't move in with her, I'd move close to her so you can spend time together. It will be much less messy if things don't work out.
How far away is she and how often do you see each other?
what about your job situation, will you need to change jobs?
there is a lot to consider. Actually I think your way of thinking is healthy.....
it shows that you're not afraid to be alone, or co-dependent. Don't let her sway you into doing something that your gut is telling you not to do.
If it's right, it will be right whether you're living under the same roof or not.

livinglife721 · 12-21-2012, 08:46 AM

Thank you Rose. It was something I really need to hear.
We live fairly far from each other. She lives in the Midewest, and I live on the east coast. I have a good steady job, and I have done my best to be able to see each other twice a month for a weekend or longer. I know that's not a lot of time, but Im trying to show that I do care (which I really do).
She is finishing up school, and will start looking for jobs. She is super smart, and I have NO doubt, she will land a job in my city with no problem.

I understand she is scared, probably financially. To start in a new place with a new job. And yes, it makes financial sense to live together. But I also want her to get on her own feet. That stems from my marriage too, where my ex, had two college degrees, but didnt do anything work wise for 4 years.

I hate to see my relationship through that glass, but as much as I try...i fail.

rosequartz · 12-21-2012, 09:00 AM

its good that you want her to get on her own feet and be independent also.
what is she scared financially of? how is she surviving now?
it wouldn't be a good idea to get involved that quickly until you find out more about her motives and her financial situation. She might be latching onto you for security.....not to say that she doesn't love you also, but if she's latching on for security, again that isn't a healthy relationship. I've had so many unhealthy relationships, that's why I'm on this kick about healthy relationships....LOL

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